LIVING WITH ANGER

“You will not be punished for your anger.

You will be punished by your anger.”

This quotation whose source is generally accepted to be Buddha, is a powerful reminder of the real consequences of anger. There is no doubt that uncontrolled anger has caused more personal pain, disruption and suffering than all of the other major emotional expressions in human behavior put together.

But anger itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact the human mind works effectively when it uses anger to ensure its survival and protect it from becoming victim to external forces. By exhibiting anger, the individual draws attention to a situation that needs resolution. It is the key emotion which serves to alert and prepare the individual to respond to attacks, or warn of any potential threats that may develop or which may exist throughout the animal kingdom.

The ability to show anger develops very early in life and can be seen in very young babies who use it to communicate discomfort or hunger. During life, when it is used correctly, it is a constructive force which forms part of the flight-or-fight response that alerts us and motivates us to take protective action. In addition, anger when judiciously utilized, can go a long way to solve potential problems and prevent conflicts that would have become worse if no action had been taken.

Whatever the cause, angry reactions give rise to identifiable physiological and psychological symptoms and signs which can be readily identified and measured. These are related to the ‘flight or fight’ response and predominantly involve the autonomic system. The most common outward signs are widely open eyes, hot flushed appearance, elevated heart and respiratory rates and temperature. This is accompanied by agitation and overall muscular tension. The attitude, one of aggressive suspicion, may be accompanied by an altered voice tone.  Quite often, especially in the pathologically angry individuals, these feelings are accompanied by actions that are out of proportion to the original trigger and have been known to lead to serious psychological and physical trauma, including murder.

Such rage reactions are not uncommon and may occur in every age group and every setting known to man. They cause a great deal of pain and suffering whenever they occur, and very rarely, if ever, lead to any resolution or satisfaction. They are often accompanied subsequently by regret and remorse by the perpetrators, but of course this will serve no useful purpose to the victims of the abuse. The remorse and regret is usually transient and recurrence of the behavior is quite consistent. The end result is that these people tend to be shunned and avoided by the rest of society and find themselves ostracized to the periphery.

Seneca, the great Roman philosopher, stoic and thinker, who lived during the time of Christ, was one of the first people to undertake a serious study of anger. Interestingly, His findings, with regard to its recognition, management and avoidance have remained virtually unchanged over the years and are as relevant today as they were thousands of years ago. In his famous essay he described anger as a “plague” which has cost the human race more than any thing else. He concluded quite appropriately that: “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury it provokes.”

Whatever the cause and whatever the circumstances, anger is never justifiable or excusable. Everyone loses something that can never be replaced, but the angry person will lose much more than most. As the great Buddha himself, is fond of reminding us:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal

with the intent of throwing it at someone else;

But you are the one who gets burned.”

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LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

                                                                       

These controversial and often misunderstood words are by Helen Keller, one of the most extraordinary women I have ever encountered. They speak volumes to her unmatched confidence and her profound convictions as a person. Born with the dual debilitating conditions of total deafness and blindness, she, by dint of personal courage and determination, became one of the most respected persons in the world. She was able to rise above her profound disabilities, and be recognized around the world as a symbol of an unrelenting spirit always willing and never afraid to challenge the establishment on behalf of a variety of social and environmental causes. She was driven to accomplish all this, not as some people have suggested, as an overcompensation of her disabilities, but rather as a response to an indomitable, insatiable adventurous spirit. To her, life itself was the adventure and she willingly grasped all the challenges that came along as the fearless matador grabs the horns of the raging bull.

         But however much she deserves our respect and our admiration, her story is neither unique nor uncommon. In fact history, as far back as records have been kept, is replete with examples of people who have achieved great success in life by challenging the prevailing status quo and rising above their expected levels. Even in our own lives, all of us will have no difficulty in pointing to countless examples of our friends and neighbors who, in some special way, readily fall into this category and who have achieved levels of performance far above those anticipated.

They all fulfill the long accepted rule that in all things in nature, there is no such thing as a ‘safe level’ and that everything worth achieving in life has some risk. It is always left up to the individual, and only him, to decide how much he is willing to risk, and how much reward he is willing to strive for. When the Jamaican-born, current Olympic sprint champion Usain Bolt broke the world record for the 100 meters at the World Games in 2009, he was asked the reason for his success. He confidently replied, with a sense of relief, “I knew I had to give more than my best!”

         The word Adventure conjures up different images and different ideas in the minds of people. For the young, it represents an open road with opportunity to experience new challenges ahead, to face unknown obstacles, and test their own mettle. How much they accomplish and how far they will travel on that road is totally dependent on how much they are willing to expend in imagination and effort. To them the journey is beginning and the ultimate goal is as yet uncertain. But to the older person whose journey had already begun some time ago, it serves to revive memories of the opportunities taken and others not taken, and of the successes or failures that resulted. It also offers a chance to review lessons learnt or opportunities lost, and if it is not too late, a reminder than the journey is not yet over and perhaps there is more that can be done before the last chapter is written in their adventure of life.

But Adventure should never be restricted only to those unusual or extreme events that we all undertake from time to time. In fact it more correctly relates to an ‘attitude’ we should all acquire for the day to day living we undertake, as we travel on our road of life. From any view one chooses to adopt, life itself is the adventure, and with it we are afforded the opportunity to do as much as we please. Everything experienced will clearly influence the individual’s attitude at the time, which ultimately determines the outcome. Bob Bitchin, the very popular American speaker, author and adventurer, effectively explained this situation in the following simple but accurate observation: 

“The difference between an adventure and an ordeal is attitude.”

          Every moment of every day in countless ways, life presents us with opportunities to help us achieve our dreams; whatever they may be. It is up to us to grasp the opportunity with both hands and to ride the adventure to fulfillment. We need only to look around us to see living examples of people who have done just this, and have then succeeded beyond their own wildest dreams. People like Walt Disney, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and so many other pioneers who started with an idea to improve the world, an imagination to search and discover, and above all, the courage and conviction to stay on the adventure. They were ordinary people with extraordinary abilities to make use of the opportunities offered, and did so!

But one does not need to be a Bill Gates or Steve Jobs to be successful in one’s endeavor, or to enjoy the adventures that life offers. The young child who overcomes his fear of falling and finally masters his bicycle and proudly rides it to school is, in his own way, as happy as Bill Gates can ever be. And equally, the student who recites the Gettysburg address to the class despite his tendency to stutter, or the soldier who risks his own life to get to his wounded colleague, or the firemen who daily face the blazing infernos of forest fires to save other people’s home, have all lived adventures. The examples are endless, the reasons are equally endless, as are the decisions taken, but there is a constant over-riding theme in all these instances: They all start with a commitment to an idea, the courage of conviction to execute the idea, and a determination to complete the task.

 This indeed is the true joy of making full use of the endless opportunities we have available to us in the adventure of living. It does not mean that we are always successful nor does it mean that we are protected in some way from failing. But it does guarantee that life will be far more rewarding and the experience far more satisfying than choosing to lock ourselves up, as so many do, in a prison of our own making, avoiding the uncertainties of the adventure. The price we pay for this action is to my mind unacceptable. As Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), one of America’s greatest authors, entrepreneurs and lecturers, so effectively commented in the following observation:

 

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do, than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover!”

This advice is as relevant today as it was when he wrote it so many years ago, but unfortunately however, despite the passage of all these years and all the examples all around us, many of us have learnt very little and continue to lock ourselves in our own prisons of “safety” and  end up cheating ourselves of so much joy and satisfaction that comes only from making our lives an adventure in living.

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FACING YOUR “JUMBIE”

“You can’t live your life until you face your Jumbie”

I still remember the episode as clearly now as the day it happened more than 70 years ago. I was about 10 years old and I was staying with my family in Mayaro, a small, picturesque fishing village in the southern tip of Trinidad. It was full moon and everyone was getting ready to go down to the beach to catch crabs as they migrated inland. I was deathly afraid because I had heard that ‘Douen, the local Jumbie’, a mythical spirit of the local Caribbean culture, comes out at full moon to snatch and eat young boys. It took Jacob, the kind caretaker of the compound to persuade me to go with the others. He reminded me of the above quotation, an old Caribbean Island proverb, and the fact that unless ‘I am able to face my jumbies, I will never be able to live my life.’

As I grew up, I learnt over and over again, the truth of this statement, on the countless occasions when I came face to face with the obstacles and challenges facing myself and others around me.  In some of them I was able to face and successfully overcome my ‘jumbie’ and that made me proud of myself. But on others, I unfortunately succumbed to the threats, and subsequently paid the price. These experiences have all left indelible images on my psyche and have served to produce the person I am today.

They confirmed to me the wisdom of the statement often repeated by the incomparably successful entrepreneur, actress, television and talk-show pioneer, Oprah Winfrey, that:

“The thing that you fear most has no power over you.

It is your fear of it that has the power; Facing the truth really will set you free.”

         No human being is immune from experiencing fear. In fact, humans are genetically predisposed to experiencing fear as a normal response, but how they react to fear is what determines the difference. Fear is basically an intrinsic and protective evolutionary instinct embedded in the human psyche and designed to ensure survival of the species. The problem arises when we lose control of this instinct, either as a result of inadequate defense mechanisms, or of saturating exposure to threatening situations. When this happens, the body’s natural inhibitory ability and basic control is lost, resulting in being left to the mercy of these unharnessed anxieties.

          Be that as it may however, for the individual who unfortunately is a victim of these events, life can be extremely challenging. At its worse, it can literally consume every moment of one’s life, rendering it a living hell, and occasionally forcing extreme measures including termination of life itself. In my many years in medical practice, I, like all my medical colleagues, have witnessed countless examples among our patients. In fact repeated studies have supported the suggestion that directly and indirectly, this condition is responsible for the majority of visits for medical assistance.  It causes far more morbidity, increased visits, exaggeration of symptoms and prolonged recovery than any single factor in medicine. At home, it causes severe disruption of life and of relationships, often leading to conflict and dissolution of the family. This will often taking place even though the patient and family recognize the facts and what must be done, but are still unable to do anything to curtail the outcome.

There is only one way to successfully deal with these fears. They cannot be suppressed, ignored or willed away, and any attempt to do so might at very best, provide momentary relief while serving to aggravate the situation by further reinforcing its power. L.L. Cool J, the very popular actor and rap artist, gave the right advice when he said,

“Stand up and face your fears or they will defeat you.”

There is an underlying current of low self-esteem that underpins all our feelings of fear and inadequacy that must be addressed before any change can take place. This must begin with Insight Formation, understanding and acknowledging them and recognizing the hold they have. Until this happens, no progress can take place. This should be followed by a process of Reciprocal Inhibition, where there is a conscious effort to face them and replace them with positive alternatives. By thinking positively and by replacing pessimism with optimism, it is possible to change the way you perceive things and this will result in a change of your life. This process is necessarily slow and tedious and requires on-going commitment by the patient to stay the course.

In the end, I can do no better than to recall the famous statement of one of America’s greatest industrialist, Henry Ford, when he made the following comment based on his own experiences that:

"One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do."
                               

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