DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - Living without Kindness

“A single drop of water falling into the sea will create a ripple 

that will be felt all over the world.”

     This very interesting, creative, and truthful observation by an Unknown Author serves to effectively remind us of the wonderful and uniquely powerful effect that an act of kindness can have on others, even far away from its original location. Like the single drop of water falling into the sea, a kind thought, word or deed, well placed, can deliver a response far beyond its intended focus, and leave an impact that will continue well beyond the original source.

         A true act of Kindness, quite unlike many of the other human emotions, must be given unconditionally, without any underlying motive attached, and with no expectation of reward. Charles Darwin, the great English anthropologist and author of the definitive, Origin of the Species, insisted that kindness is an instinctual behavior in man that is always accompanied by genuine concern and consideration for others, and associated with feelings of well-being and satisfaction. It is, without doubt, the single most important key to ensuring a life of fulfillment, sustained genuine and meaningful relationships, and a future filled with optimism. It is however, effective only in the presence of love, the main driving force, which always guarantees truthful implementation, and it will certainly die in any milieu dominated by greed, selfishness and anger.

         The language of kindness is universal, readily understood and appreciated by all living beings. When executed on a regular basis, such behavior induces lasting effects on the person’s well-being, his emotions and his inter-personal commitments. Such responses are so deeply embedded in the psyche that even a single act of kindness can induce lasting positive effects on the person, and result in stimulating a desire for continued kindness in all the aspects of living. Kindness can be exhibited using every form of sensory expression, and is readily identified and appreciated by others by the satisfying effects it produces. It is, without doubt, the most reliable image of love, and with trust, it forms a solid underpinning for any good relationship. Its value to human existence has long been understood, and it is a most important requisite of all known religions, irrespective of underlying doctrine or beliefs, where all members are taught and encouraged to express kindness to all others.

         The popular connotation that kindness is associated only with the weak and the naïve and therefore it should be discouraged, is a myth and blatantly false. In fact, an act of true kindness is a skill that requires courage and strength to implement successfully against the prevailing environment of greed, selfishness and individual gain that presently dominate modern societies. It is not a virtue that can be adopted or showcased only in specific situations or under selected conditions, but rather, to be truly effective, it must function as an integral component of the individual’s belief and behavior make-up, and must be expressed in everything they do. Anything else is merely a sham!

Unfortunately, by their very nature, acts of kindness can be, and are very often exploited by others for their own gain. In fact, people generally, have lost the ability to treat each other with the kindness and respect due to them, and this is clearly evident in all the daily interactions.  The once routine attitudes of respect and care for people and for the environment are being replaced by fear, suspicion and the questioning of everything. So that an act of kindness even when freely offered, is often viewed with skepticism and suspicion as an ulterior motive, rather than accepted in good faith. The rising incidences of social unrests, racial and religious conflicts, and open hate crimes point clearly and definitively to the loss of this virtue of kindness among the peoples of the world. It should come as no surprise therefore that the whole world is in turmoil, with no solution in sight.

There is urgent need for the world to recognize that this loss of a sense of kindness that seems to be so prevalent will only confuse and compound the raging distrust and conflicts that presently engulf the societies. This has made it difficult, almost impossible, for people to feel, far less offer, goodwill and help to others in need, and has served only to underline and reinforce fear and distrust. This indeed has become a major human failing where we are conditioned to be quick to judge that we are victimized or hurt, and react with antagonism and revenge. It is precisely because of this progressive deterioration in our attitudes that we find it hard to feel goodwill to others, to understand their needs, and to offer help. We are even choosing our leaders who are determined to champion this attitude.

The answer lies not in prolonging the situation by judging right from wrong, or to take sides for, or against anything, but rather to find and hold on to that fundamental thread of kindness that binds us together as human beings, and bridges the many divides of sex, race, religion, politics and nationality. This demands a concerted effort by all, and it must begin with the fundamental commitment to first, do no harm to others, followed by the expression to all the people of genuine kindness. In this respect, we seem to have completely forgotten those immortal words of wisdom by Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian statesman, which spoke directly to the real power of kindness:

“The simplest acts of kindness are far more powerful than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.”

 

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DAILY SLICE OF LIFE - Life without Regrets

“The only thing standing between you and a life without any regrets is you.”  

            This very definitive observation was made by Caterina Rando, a noted American psychologist, author and life coach. In her brief and precise statement, she unequivocally confirmed the fact that we ourselves are the major reasons for the feelings of regret and disappointment we experienced throughout our lifetime. By our unwillingness to accept responsibility for our actions, we invariably put up barriers that quite often will render situations much worse than they need to be.

Most of the time, such unanticipated feelings of regret can give rise to some of the most difficult individual responses. For a person to have to admit from deep within him that he had failed himself by his own hand, is more painful and unforgiving than occurs in any other emotional response. Yet despite the fact that most people know this well, very few are willing to truthfully admit to the fact, and even less, accept the responsibility necessary to exercise the effort to correct it. Without this, they risk continuing to render themselves vulnerable to having regrets all their lives, to being incapable of taking chances, or to satisfying personal ego. Instead, many will find easier and more expedient excuses by blaming other people, or the prevailing circumstances, or a variety of external factors for their shortcomings.

Repeated studies have confirmed that the great majority of incidents that give rise to regretting appear to be centered around two separate but related circumstances; either doing things just to please  or impress others, or alternatively, knowingly doing something wrong while rejecting the right action for personal gain. It really makes no psychological difference whether the action was undertaken to please others by following them, or to please oneself, the fact of knowing it is wrong, will precipitate feelings of regret, with the accompanying feelings of pain and disappointment and the induction of emotional insecurity that is difficult to manage.

Without doubt the harboring of unresolved regrets, like so many other emotional factors operating in life, can adversely define who we are and control how we behave. The symptoms tend to linger on in the background, undermine confidence, interfere with relationships and make it impossible to enjoy life fully, or to plan for the future. Even worse, if they are allowed to continue unresolved, they are capable of significantly affecting interpersonal relationships, increase distrust and suspicion to everyone, friend and foe alike, and induce severe emotional reactions. They can indeed cause undesirable changes in personality and behavior.

Perhaps the greatest impact can be seen on people approaching the end of their lives. So many people reach the end of their life loaded with unresolved regrets, quite often knowing there is little time or hope of resolution. This fact was brought to attention in 2009 by Bonnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse in an article she published on the internet entitled “Regrets of the Dying”, in which she detailed her experiences. She stressed, over and over, that one of the greatest concerns expressed by her patients were the total inability to address the factors causing them to regret and that by far the great majority of regrets result more from poor personal or interpersonal relationships, rather than from lack of material or personal success. A multitude of separate studies in different settings have confirmed Bonnie Ware’s findings.

There is no doubt that to be free of regrets, one must begin by first being able to understand oneself and one’s needs, and to try to satisfy these without the need to copy what others say or do. By  doing this, one is more likely to avoid the many pitfalls that may result and far better able to accept responsibility for the outcome. This initial action of just admitting to, and accepting, failure will provide an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, and hopefully to gain the insight to begin again with new resolve to do it right. Clearly instead of having to regret the missteps, we can recognize, embrace and learn from them, and use them to become the persons we want to be.

Contrary to the general impression that failure only serves to engender more failure, regretting an action should only be used as a trigger to correcting behavior, and never be accepted as the final outcome. This indeed, is the advice that was meant to be conveyed by an Unknown Author, when he wrote:

“Don’t regret anything you do, because in the end, that can just make you who you are.”

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DAILY SLICE OF LIFE - Living a Full Life

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

         This quotation, by Diane Ackerman, a highly acclaimed American poet, essayist and field naturalist, whose name and work is recognized worldwide, speaks clearly and unambiguously to the great importance of living a full life. The statement was made while she was lamenting the current behavior by so many, of being content to merely exist in the world, just going through the motions, and stumbling along through life like programmed robots, and in so doing, ignoring the very purpose and reason for living.

Far too often, we find ourselves searching for reasons to justify not doing what we ought to have been doing, or even holding back in our efforts, when instead we should have been making full use of the opportunities available to us. Many of us will rather spend the time and effort looking for ways and reasons to justify our inactions, and if necessary, be more than willing to blame circumstances or people rather than accept responsibility and find the truth. And we will continue to do this over and over, even when in our hearts we recognize that by adopting this action we are cheating ourselves from getting the most we can from the life we have.

We tend to confuse having a ‘busy’ life, stuffed full with endless schedules of routine activities, assignments, and trying to satisfy other people’s expectations, as tantamount to having a ‘full’ life.  So many of us labor under the assumption that to live a full life equates always to living a life of continuous joy and happiness, free from pain and disappointments, and we fail to recognize that those situations where courage and strength of spirit is needed to cope with pain and suffering, are equally necessary to fulfill the task of living. People fail to acknowledge that living a full and satisfying life can only flourish in the presence of extremes, and that a good life should never be measured by quantity but always by quality.

Living a full and satisfying life can only be truly acquired by the slow process of self-exploration, by finding meaning in challenges, by facing and overcoming obstacles and by pushing past one’s comfort zone. Doing things to impress or to please others may ensure acceptance; and even lead to fame, popularity and often to success. But this reaction can never be as rewarding as the deep feeling of fulfillment and of satisfaction that comes from truly living life to the fullest on one’s own terms. Indeed, in  retrospect, anything we do in our lives can only have meaning when it is done on our terms, and not on those of anyone else, or for any other reason. This is the hallmark of living a true and full life; nothing else matters!

Without doubt, moving forward is the essence of a full and worthy life and at all times, one’s personal expectation is all that will truly matter. What others may do or think or expect should be of little meaningful consequence, since it is of utmost importance that everything done must satisfy a deep need and provide personal fulfillment to the individual. Indeed a good life will only be appreciated when there is a purpose and a meaning. Sir Winston Churchill, one of Great Britain’s greatest statesmen, who led the country to victory in the 2^nd World War, very clearly implied this when he declared:

“It should not be enough to have lived.

We should be determined to live for something.”

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DAILY SLICE OF LIFE - Finding Peace of Mind

“Only when you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find peace of mind is waiting there.”

         This profound observation was recorded by George Harrison, a founding member and lead guitarist of the very successful and world-renowned English rock band, “The Beatles.” His own personal search for his Peace of Mind ended after many years of intense and focused effort, among the mystics of India where he also formally embraced

 the beliefs and lifestyle of Hinduism.

         The human mind can in many ways, be viewed as a vast ocean of our emotions which when left undisturbed, remains essentially calm, peaceful, and free from turmoil. But when it is stirred up by the winds of our restless thinking, and the raging storms of our anxieties and our fears, it becomes a boiling cauldron lashing out at all of life, causing 

deep pain and suffering, and fomenting increasing feelings of anger, inadequacy and hopelessness. This unfortunately is the price that we 

will inevitably pay when we allow our insecurities and our weaknesses

 to take hold of our minds and of our thoughts, and in so doing, make 

us prisoners of ourselves.

Far too many of us are convinced that in order to survive and be accepted in this world of strife and conflict which we all inhabit, we must be willing to give up the peace and the calm and caring confidence that comes with fulfillment and satisfaction. We must instead, learn to replace these with the anger, suspicion and jealousy of greed and selfishness that are the standards of modern societies. And in so doing, end up surrendering the serenity, happiness and satisfaction of a secure and contented mind, and injecting it with the poison of worry, shame, anger and distrust; all of this done in a useless attempt to gain acceptance. This is precisely what the Dalai Lama was alluding to, when he declared in a short but precise note:

“Anger is the destroyer of Peace of Mind.”

         When there is peace and calm in the mind, life is a joy to behold. The past, instead of being a source of regret and worry, now becomes a source of good memories; no longer a source of concern. The future is 

not yet here, and will therefore matter little. And each day, the mind, 

now unencumbered by any unnecessary thoughts and fears, will view everything in its right perspective. Difficulties and problems now appear as challenges to be solved, or at least controlled, but never to be feared and avoided. And with the mind, now freed of the clutter caused by the many imagined obstacles, that may or may not even be present, both understanding and insight will improve, and so too, will logic and reason. The mind us at peace with its world!

 Although problems and difficulties will not disappear, yet they will be more readily managed by a mind not distorted by turmoil, and fully able to focus more clearly and effectively, while disregarding any interference. This singular hallmark of a mind at peace with the world was exquisitely described by Marcus Aurelius, one of ancient Rome’s greatest emperors and stoic philosophers in these terms:

“Whoever values peace of mind and the health of the soul, will live the best of all lives.”

True Peace of Mind however, should not merely be seen as the absence of mental stress, fear, or anxiety. Rather it should truly relate to a deep state of inner peace, a state of genuine mindfulness that speaks out, without fear or anger, free of inhibitions, and focused solely the enhancement of the spirit. This peace of mind arises deep within the soul, where calm, comfort and composure are usually found. But unfortunately, so often because of centuries of unhelpful life exposures, they lay buried beneath layers and layers of conflict, pain and disappointment that had been laid down, they lose their ability to bring joy and happiness and instead, remain atrophied, dormant and without hope .

Unfortunately, finding inner peace is neither easy to acquire, nor

is it readily achievable. It cannot be acquired by learning from others, nor can it develop by dint of exposure or experience; these are all merely false facades that will never withstand the test of time. It must always begin with a person’s basic desire to know himself, and his willingness to recognize the truth of his inner being. Without this,it would be impossible to recognize one’s needs or desires, and to exercise choice. But when this is found, it will serve to liberate one’s ego, reinforce the will and permit the person to overcome the fears and the uncertainties that threaten his spirit and the world around him.

Perhaps this is what James E. Faust, the highly respected American politician and clergyman was referring to,  when he declared:

“The Savior of the world taught us to seek that inner peace, which taps the innate happiness in our souls.”

Unfortunately, only a few of us ever choose to heed this advice. The rest are content to aimlessly float along the seas of convenience, like so much helpless flotsam, just searching for acceptance, and never ever knowing who we truly are.  

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