“The only thing standing between you and a life
without any regrets is you.”
This very definitive observation was made by Caterina Rando, a noted American psychologist, author and life
coach. In her brief and precise statement, she unequivocally confirmed the fact
that we ourselves are the major reasons for the feelings of regret and
disappointment we experienced throughout our lifetime. By our unwillingness to
accept responsibility for our actions, we invariably put up barriers that quite
often will render situations much worse than they need to be.
Most
of the time, such unanticipated feelings of regret can give rise to some of the
most difficult individual responses. For a person to have to admit from deep
within him that he had failed himself by his own hand, is more painful and
unforgiving than occurs in any other emotional response. Yet despite the fact
that most people know this well, very few are willing to truthfully admit to
the fact, and even less, accept the responsibility necessary to exercise the
effort to correct it. Without this, they risk continuing to render themselves
vulnerable to having regrets all their lives, to being incapable of taking
chances, or to satisfying personal ego. Instead, many will find easier and more
expedient excuses by blaming other people, or the prevailing circumstances, or a
variety of external factors for their shortcomings.
Repeated
studies have confirmed that the great majority of incidents that give rise to regretting
appear to be centered around two separate but related circumstances; either
doing things just to please or impress others,
or alternatively, knowingly doing something wrong while rejecting the right
action for personal gain. It really makes no psychological difference whether the
action was undertaken to please others by following them, or to please oneself,
the fact of knowing it is wrong, will precipitate feelings of regret, with the
accompanying feelings of pain and disappointment and the induction of emotional
insecurity that is difficult to manage.
Without
doubt the harboring of unresolved regrets, like so many other emotional factors
operating in life, can adversely define who we are and control how we behave. The
symptoms tend to linger on in the background, undermine confidence, interfere
with relationships and make it impossible to enjoy life fully, or to plan for
the future. Even worse, if they are allowed to continue unresolved, they are
capable of significantly affecting interpersonal relationships, increase distrust
and suspicion to everyone, friend and foe alike, and induce severe emotional
reactions. They can indeed cause undesirable changes in personality and behavior.
Perhaps
the greatest impact can be seen on people approaching the end of their lives. So
many people reach the end of their life loaded with unresolved regrets, quite often
knowing there is little time or hope of resolution. This fact was brought to
attention in 2009 by Bonnie Ware, an
Australian palliative care nurse in an article she published on the internet
entitled “Regrets of the Dying”, in
which she detailed her experiences. She stressed, over and over, that one of the
greatest concerns expressed by her patients were the total inability to address
the factors causing them to regret and that by far the great majority of regrets result
more from poor personal or interpersonal relationships, rather than from lack
of material or personal success. A multitude of separate studies in different
settings have confirmed Bonnie Ware’s
findings.
There
is no doubt that to be free of regrets, one must begin by first being able to
understand oneself and one’s needs, and to try to satisfy these without the
need to copy what others say or do. By doing this, one is more likely to avoid the
many pitfalls that may result and far better able to accept responsibility for
the outcome. This initial action of just admitting to, and accepting, failure
will provide an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, and hopefully to gain the
insight to begin again with new resolve to do it right. Clearly instead of having
to regret the missteps, we can recognize, embrace and learn from them, and use
them to become the persons we want to be.
Contrary
to the general impression that failure only serves to engender more failure,
regretting an action should only be used as a trigger to correcting behavior,
and never be accepted as the final outcome. This indeed, is the advice that was
meant to be conveyed by an Unknown Author,
when he wrote:
“Don’t regret anything you do, because in the end, that
can just make you who you are.”
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