DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - The Joy of Forgiveness

"To Forgive is to set someone free,
and to find the prisoner is you"

        

This very poignant quotation, written by the renowned American author and theologian Lewis B. Smedes, speaks eloquently on the true effect of forgiving by the forgiver. The generally held view that the act of forgiving is directed at the person who committed the transgression is very far from the truth. In fact the true purpose of seeking to forgive others for any wrong committed is fundamentally an attempt by the victim to find personal resolution of the conflicts raging within him, and the hope of restoring his emotional balance.

As the quotation correctly implied, when there is no resolution we become prisoners of ourselves and end up developing profound changes in our ability to accommodate ourselves and others. To protect ourselves from further hurt, we become angry, frustrated, suspicious, and begin to be distrustful of other people’s intentions. We quickly lose sight of the original cause of the conflict, and continue to develop ever widening circles of “enemies” in our lives. In short we become different people with different outlooks and different expectations.

The act of not forgiving is a disease which if allowed to continue uncorrected, will affect the mind and body of all those concerned.  It damages the environment in the same way that a rotting fruit, if not removed, will quickly destroy everything around it. If unresolved, it will adversely color everything we think, believe, expect and do in our lives and will interfere with our good judgment. While, by the very act of granting forgiveness, we will allow ourselves to grow in strength, confidence and maturity. Indeed, to forgive is not only therapeutic to the victims, but it is a blessing to everyone concerned.

However, the act of forgiving another, even when he is at fault, can only begin with the forgiving of oneself. It is impossible to forgive others of any transgression, if we are not able to deal with our own internal conflicts. There is fundamental resistance by all of us to admit our own weakness which forces us to hold on to the feelings of resentment and hurt, and reinforces our determination to resist any change. Because change means admission of personal responsibility and this is something most people are reluctant to do. It is a fundamental failing of human nature that has been in existence for as long as men have interacted with one another. Jesus Christ, in Mathew 7:4 may well have been alluding to this fact when he drew attention to it in another context:

“How can you say to a brother take the speck out of your eye, while there is still a beam in your own eye?”

         There are many reasons that may give rise to the difficulty for someone to easily forgive others. Some people will hold back because they feel that by forgiving, they are in effect admitting that the original acts were justified. Others believe that by holding on to the bitterness and the anger they will in fact be somehow punishing the offenders. There are others who labor under the misguided impression that by forgiving them they will suffer greater remorse. So many of the victims are so consumed with their own self-righteousness, that withholding their forgiveness gives them great satisfaction even if in doing so they continue to suffer themselves. All of these arguments are totally false and untenable, for forgiveness comes from a position of strength not weakness, and requires a range of such personal characteristics as faith, confidence, love, empathy, trust, openness and vulnerability to function effectively.

I can think of no one in my lifetime who can truly deny that he was not guilty of such behavior on many more occasions than they care to recount. For my own self, I continue to pay the price for something which happened many decades ago, in which I allowed my misguided self-righteousness to prevent me from doing the right thing and as a result caused more unnecessary pain and disappointment to so many. They may have caused the first wound, but by not forgiving I was just as guilty for everything that transpired subsequently.

By not forgiving and releasing the hurts, they will continue to eat you alive. You continue to blame everything on them, but in fact, you are the one who is inflicting the pain on yourself and on others. In the end, no one ever gains by holding on to the hurts caused by others and everyone will gratefuly relish the joys and the relief that comes from forgiving. There is no doubt that forgiving others has a lot of personal benefits and deep down most of us believe it is the right thing to do. This is precisely what an Unknown Author so very wisely advised in the following quotation:

“You will only begin to heal when you let go of the past hurts. Forgive those who have wronged you, and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.”      

We will all do well to take deep note if this advice, to place it deeply in our memory banks, and to be sure to fully implement its intent on every single occasion when we are calked upon to do so.

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DAILY SLICE OF LIFE - Finding Fault in Others

 

“The Monkey never sees his own tail.”

 This interesting proverb, a comment on human social behavior, is a long established part of the West Indian Islands Folklore. It refers specifically to the general tendency of people who are quick to point out other people’s faults, while paying little regard to their own baggage. It confirms the universal finding that people in general, are conditioned both physically and psychologically, to search for possible faults in everyone around them, mainly as a way of protecting themselves against the potential exposure of their own blemishes.

It is an unfortunate fact that people by nature are generally inclined to always focus on the other person’s faults and seek to use them as weapons against the individuals. Instead of spending the time to look for the meaningfulness and kindness in the actions of others, they prefer to spend this time searching for some distortion to use against them. This type of screwed perception is undoubtedly one of the root causes of much of the confusion, misunderstanding and lack of trust that exists today. By insisting on viewing everything through our distorted and clouded lens, we are more likely to assume that the whole world must also be equally distorted, dark and unacceptable. Under these circumstances, clearly any action done is more likely to appear to be different than it really is, and lead us to genuinely assume that the world was wrong, and therefore by inference, we must be right. This explains why whenever we are challenged we are likely to react with righteous indignation because we believed we were right and that the others were at fault.

Psychologists explain that this behavior is a deeply-embedded defense mechanism driven by our internal insecurities, causing us to look for the flaws in others as a way to affirm that our actions are justified. This is the reason why it is always a difficult task to persuade anybody that their perception may be compromised. Unless we are able to identify the fundamental causes for the distortion, we are more likely to turn to the subconscious urge to blame others as the root cause for the existing faults, and by doing this, provide reason to feel good about ourselves.

Unfortunately, by continuing this attitude of constantly looking for fault in everything, or by mentally prejudging others in any way, we will inevitably cheat ourselves of the opportunity to see the beauty and goodness that exists all around us and can end up, like so many people in the society are doing, viewing everyone and everything as threats to our peace and stability. It does not need great effort to see that this is in fact what is happening in the world around us, where people and nations are spending great time and effort in blaming each other for the sorry state of anxiety and constant treat we live in. This is precisely what the great English author and publisher, Samuel Richardson observed more than two hundred and fifty years ago, when he noted:

“It is much easier to find fault in others, than to be faultless ourselves.”

         Because of the many deep-seated and complex emotional factors involved in its development, correcting this behavior is never an easy undertaking. It must begin by a willingness to appreciate and then acknowledge one’s own insecurities, and then try to understand the reasons for our generating the negative thoughts and the feelings towards others. This will only take place after some insight is achieved, and the individual begins to understand and accept his own fears and weaknesses. Only when this occurs, can the individual begin to see more clearly the futility of using negative thinking, and the great benefit to be achieved from being honest and truthful to oneself. This fundamental fact was very effectively demonstrated by Satya Narayan Goenka, the highly respected Burmese-Indian guru and master of meditation in his writings which is effectively summarized in this quotation:

“When one experiences the truth, the madness of finding fault with others disappears.”

-The great power of this statement, when clearly understood and implemented, will go a long way to correcting this universal tragedy of constantly finding fault in human interpersonal relations that currently envelops this world that we all share.

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