“Let us learn to live with kindness, to love everyone;
even when they do not love us.”
This heartfelt exhortation was made by the current patriarch of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis, the Holy Father, in his recently published 3rd encyclical entitled “Fratelli Tutti” (All Brothers). He was lamenting the sad loss of love and friendship that has been taking place in the modern societies, and with it, the loss of the basic sense of kindness that is so much part of Christian life. And at the same time, he was fervently drawing the world’s attention to the urgent need for fraternal love among all people, friend and foe alike.
It is indeed a sad fact that in our headlong drive to acquire and secure as much as we possibly can for ourselves, we have abandoned the fundamental Christian principles of love and sharing, and have replaced them by new standards of selfish aggression and suspicion. In this regard, Pope Francis further expressed grave regrets that we have deliberately abandoned the basic acts of kindness which had served us so effectively to ‘free us from the cruelty that is infecting human relationships, and from the anxiety that prevents us from thinking of others.’ He added that in our frantic urge to gain as much as we can, we forget that others have the same right to be happy and to be treated with the kindness they deserve. He worried that we are losing the beautiful art of kinship that once dominated society, and in its place, introducing egotism and ideology. No longer do we bother to concern ourselves with those simple courtesies as ‘thank you’, ‘pardon me’, ‘excuse me’, ‘have a good day,’ that spoke so much for respect and kindness.
Sincere expressions of kindness are, without doubt, the single most important keys to ensuring a life of fulfillment; ones that secure sustained, lasting, and meaningful relationships and a future filled with optimism. But this quality of kindness however, will not stand alone, for it can only be effective in the presence of love, the main driving force which always guarantees truthful implementation. And just as surely, it will certainly die in any milieu dominated by greed, selfishness and anger. But that notwithstanding, the potential for kindness is present in every person, and like so many potentially good deeds, just waiting to show its head if we allowed to do so. but as so often happens in our lives, the reason for not allowing it to do so lies more in our deep-seated urge to hold back for fear of losing what we already possess. Lucius Annaeus Seneca, one of the foremost of the ancient Roman philosophers, more than 2000 years ago, firmly reassured us all, of this ability when he stated:
“Wherever there is a human being,
there is an opportunity for kindness.”
Kindness is generally defined as the quality of being generous, friendly, and considerate to others. It also carries an endless number of connotations that include: affection, gentleness, concern, warmth, and caring, among many others. All of which pointing to an instinctual desire toward helping others by using personal resources to improve the quality of life and opportunities for happiness for them. True kindness however, cannot be sustained without there being a deep-seated desire to do so. It will never survive in a milieu of deception or make-belief, and will always flounder in the absence of love and caring. And contrary to the general belief, it does not imply an admission of weakness, dependence or naivety, but rather as occurs in countless occasions, to be kind can demand a certain courage and strength of character to sustain it.
It must be noted that, quite unlike many of the other basic human emotions, the act of kindness to be truly effective, must be given unconditionally, free from any underlying motive, and with no expectation of reward. In addition, Psychologists unanimously agree that, because of the fact that it arises from the deepest levels of the human psyche, the same place that love and respect reside, it serves an important role in sustaining meaningful human behavior and relationships. Charles Darwin, the great English anthropologist and author of the definitive, Origin of the Species, insisted that kindness was directly responsible for ensuring the survival of the species by encouraging basic support within the groups. He described it as the only instinctual behavior in man that is always accompanied by genuine concern and consideration for others, and associated with feelings of well-being and satisfaction.
Unfortunately, man, in his headlong desire to choose self-preservation at all cost, has chosen to bury the noble instincts of kindness to others and to the environment, and replace them with those of ego-gratification. Instead of choosing the wholesome benefits derived from sharing and group support, he has deliberately chosen the completely opposite direction of selfishness and dominance. It is no surprise therefore, that this world, blessed with so much potential to provide happiness and fulfillment to all its inhabitants, has devolved into a sordid morass of nothing but destructive negativity. Where people, whether as individuals, groups, religions and countries, prefer to spend their time in suspicious, aggressive, distrusting and destructive antagonism of one to the other. Where those who have more, insist on acquiring even more, without any regard to their needy brothers. Where there is constant conflict, often leading to violence and wars, among countries and the religions, often in the name of the same God in total disregard of his teachings. All of which, as Pope Francis so very firmly reminded all of us, could have been substantially avoided if man had chosen to live with kindness.
Recurrent studies have convincingly demonstrated the great benefits of consciously sharing resources with others rather than keeping more and more for oneself. It not only brings about lasting feelings of well-being on both the giver and receiver, but serves to encourage trust, stability and satisfaction in any further interpersonal relationships. But for this to be truly effective and not appear to be condescending, requires a great deal of skill and care. It must always be free of any selfish motives, and reflect genuine concern and caring. To be truly effective, it must be accompanied by a desire to celebrate the other person, and not to reward oneself. And above all, it will never survive without a foundation of truth and honesty, or by any attempt to manipulate and deceive.
Kindness, to be truly effective requires significant interpersonal skills. Above all however, it must begin by first being kind to oneself. For without this, without being honest and sincere with oneself, it would be impossible to be true to anyone else. Beyond this, kindness is essentially about treating others to way you would like to be treated. It requires:
-Empathy, to identify with the person in need,
-Patience, to listen and to appreciate the person’s needs and problems,
-Respect, in order to understand and support the person’s fears and anxieties,
-Mindfulness, being aware of the people, the circumstances, their status and positions in life. And,
-Sincerity, born of honesty, love and compassion, allowing true understanding and responsibility.
Most people are dismally unaware that kindness, rather than being an unnecessary imposition on the individual’s life style, is invariably accompanied by emotional warmth and satisfaction that lasts far longer than the deed performed. There is always an increase in the chemical hormone, oxytocin, which not only induces a feeling of well-being, but directly contributes to cardiovascular and other health improvement. Even more, it will always induce genuine psychological leveling with improved trust, bonding and reduction of the emotional distance between all parties. There is in fact, universal agreement that regular kindness at all levels, creates a milieu of peace and respect among all.
In addition, it is now well established that kindness has a tendency to inspire others to be equally kind, and can in fact, create a ripple effect that often spreads out to others, quite far beyond the original actions. This is based on the long-established principle of reciprocal behavior that any action is likely to reciprocate a similar reaction. But unfortunately, the opposite is also equally potent, where, as is prevalent in this current world, kindness has been replaced by distrust and conflict, and people are inclined to withhold goodwill and love. Without this thread of kindness binding us together, we are doomed to continue the strife and aggression that has presently engulfed the world, and in doing so, lose the respect and dignity that insures a good society.
In this respect, the world appears to have completely rejected those immortal words of wisdom spoken by Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian statesman, which spoke directly to the power of kindness:
“The simplest acts of kindness are far more powerful
than a thousand heads bowed in prayer.”
-Indeed, in whatever language you choose to speak, or whichever country you find yourself in, the single most universally accepted action that ensures confidence, caring and love among everyone, friend and foe alike, is the universal language of kindness.
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