DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

The Wonder of Gratitude

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.”

         This exceedingly intriguing and heartfelt comment was made by Jean-Baptiste Massieu, an 18^th century French bishop who led an unusually contradictory social and political life. These included such  major decisions as eventually renouncing the clergy, getting married, and becoming deeply involved in the French revolution. In making this statement however, he was reminding us that any true expression of gratitude can only be meaningful when it come from the depth of our hearts. He insisted further, that it was only by showing appreciation for any kindness rendered to, or for us, with genuine gratitude can we truly express our sincerity, and confirm that the good deeds done will be remembered. The message is all the more poignant because it was delivered by a person whose compromised physical and emotional life-history was such that it could have been dominated by resentment, but instead, it overflowed with gratitude.

Marcus Tullius Cicero, one of the greatest of Ancient Rome’s statesmen and orators, an accomplished lawyer who, more than 2000 years ago, rose from a life of slavery to occupy positions of power, was no stranger to the value of gratitude, which he described the following terms:

”Gratitude is not only the greatest virtues,  but the mother of all virtues”

 In saying this, he was acknowledging that gratitude was not just a virtue for ensuring a good life, but was the foundation of all that was needed to do so. He insisted that to be grateful is not only about being thankful, but it required in return, a deep-seated readiness by the recipient to not only show appreciation, but equally, an understanding and a desire to return kindness. For him, the genuine practice of gratitude in everything, serves as a panacea to conquer the negativity of others, protect against their antagonism, and endorse confidence in oneself.

         Being grateful is much more than an expression of thanks, or an act of courtesy. It provides a sense of personal liberation, a way of crossing established emotional boundaries, and breaking away from the mindset that controls behavior. It is, in fact, a genuine expression of appreciation and thanks that can mean so many things to different people. It is a deep-seated manifestation of the person’s innermost expression and constitutes the very foundation of his personality and his life. Only when there is true gratitude deeply embedded within his psyche, can a person appreciate life with a clearer vision, unhindered by the tinted lenses of suspicion and distrust. As a result, he is happily able to savor all life’s goodness without any preconceived expectation. As the following quotation by an Unknown Author so accurately suggests:

 “It is not happiness that brings gratitude.

It is gratitude that brings happiness.”

          Without doubt, the virtue of gratitude, if seriously acknowledged and practiced, ensures ideal conditions for living a good and productive life. It serves to reinforce a life of self-discipline and self-respect, and at the same time, an awareness of the needs and importance of others. It will not survive in a milieu of negativity, suspicion and doubt, and blooms when applied during moments of happiness and satisfaction. Gratitude is a virtue with total universality of application and can indeed be applied to every aspect of human behavior, that may involve any aspect of personal and external interactions. It should always be considered as an integral part of life itself, because of the fundamental fact the gratitude can be readily and consciously applied and does not require a cause or reason to justify its use. As the late President John F. Kennedy so wisely declared in his first inauguration speech:

 “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

         Unfortunately, because this current world that we all share, appears to be driven by the unending demands of competition, a desire for acquiring more and for sharing less, and for the control of everything, gratitude is clearly a commodity in very short supply. In this setting, where suspicion, anxiety and depression are rampant across the social scale, it is not surprising to find that we are in constant conflict, weighed down by unhappiness, dissatisfaction and negative beliefs. The wholesome concept of gratitude appears to have faded into oblivion, and in its place, we have introduced a sense of entitlement where we are encouraged to feel that we are owed something that must be satisfied. In this setting, there can be no room for gratefulness and in its place, there is one of self-gratification at the expense of everything else. No one can deny that the present conflicts and the acrimonious behavior that appear to be unfolding at all levels of society, and among the different societies, are a direct consequence of the loss of a sense of gratitude. Unfortunately, unless we succeed in turning the tide around, it will continue to grow in complexity.

          To a significant extent, we have been failing in our practice of gratitude, not because we reject the concept, but rather because of our lack of appreciation of it. We spend all our energy and effort focusing on the outcome of our encounters, and not on the happiness they will produce. We spend far too much time looking back at the past and remembering our failures, instead of the successes we achieved along the way. Again, we seem to forget that life is not founded on the pursuit of perfection, but rather on satisfaction. So that our waiting for that ‘perfect moment’ to be thankful can become an unfulfilled illusion. The moment to show gratitude is now! For it serves to bolster the belief in oneself, provide the confidence needed and the faith and trust to go forward. This is what I believe this Unknown Author meant to convey with the following observation:

 “Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

 -This indeed is the true wonder of gratitude, one which should make you start each day by listing everything, and every person for whom you are grateful. Doing so will go a long way to guarantee a good day and a good life, no matter what!

 

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

Giving the Benefit of Doubt

“By giving a person the benefit of the doubt, you are able to unlock the doors to friendship and common humanity.”

         This definitive and powerful statement was relayed to me by Joseph Sabga, a cousin and lifelong friend, during a discussion we had on the subject of personal integrity. He was in fact quoting his late father, my uncle, Abdou Sabga, a man for whom I have the highest possible regard as a man of true quality and integrity, and a man who spent his whole life devoted to these principles. He was certain that on the countless occasions during his lifetime he had chosen to give others the benefit of doubt in situations where most people were reluctant to do so, and had enjoyed surprisingly rewarding outcomes.

         He explained that his giving other people the benefit of doubt was founded on his belief that people are fundamentally good, and are not intent on doing harm. Therefore, he believed that before anyone might allow himself to pass judgment on others, he should always try to understand the reason why they chose the action. Far too often he insisted, he will find that the action that appeared to be misguided or unhelpful to him, had actually made good sense to the person at the time. Because of this, he was convinced that with the benefit of understanding, many potential distrusts and antagonisms can be replaced with friendship and respect. To him, this type of approach was certainly more likely to lead to better understanding and more accommodation than one of confrontation and/or avoidance. He often advised that instead of judging people simply by their actions, it makes more sense to try to ascertain the reasons for the action, “since no one really knows what personal battles others have to face, then the least we can do, is to give them the benefit of the doubt

         Contrary to the popular sentiment that we are all born with an instinct of self-protection, repeated neuroscientific and behavioral research confirms that at birth, our brains are hardwired to trust others rather than doubt their intentions. Just look at the newborn baby’s instinctual responses to anyone, to be convinced that trust is inborn. Unfortunately, when this is betrayed for whatever reason, a short circuiting of the instinct occurs, and it is replaced by the “fight or flight” survival instinct, and with it, the element of distrust, suspicion, and doubt. It is not surprising therefore, that people by nature, find it difficult to trust, and are more comfortable being suspicious of the other’s intentions. They would rather adopt the defensive mode, trust no one, suspect every one, and give no one any benefit of doubt.

         This is mainly the reason why to a large extent, the initial instinctual response to any unpredictable action by most people, is to question the intention, while at the same time activating the internal defense mechanisms. Accompanying this, there is usually a vasovagal response that includes tensing the muscles, and feelings of anxiety which serve to further heighten awareness and increase suspicion. These responses become embedded in the personality structure. and over the years become totally automatic, often occurring without reason or thought. After this, there will be no turning back, the degree of trust needed to satisfy acceptance will continue to rise substantially, as do the levels of doubt. It should come as no surprise therefore, that the more sophisticated and more complex societies are far less inclined to consider giving the benefit of doubt than are the less sophisticated societies.

         To give a person the benefit of doubt requires the fundamental belief that that their intentions in that moment, are honest, and that even when there may exist uncertainties and doubts about the actual circumstances, there was no malice intended. But this can only be effectively carried out when the individual himself has the courage of conviction to not only believe in the basic goodness in man, but also to over-ride any personal doubt about the outcome. No one likes to be judged harshly, or to be misjudged, for making a decision that might end up against their better judgment, yet unless one is able to find the confidence in ourself to still give the benefit, even when there is some doubt, it will not happen. This indeed, is why the true measure of the man should never be based on how successful he may be, or how much power he has accumulated, but rather on the courage of his commitment.

         Belief itself, has a way of creating its own self-fulfilling prophesy, that becomes a source of ‘feedback’ conviction. The more negative the outlook of the individual is at the time will produce equally negative attitudes and result in negative experiences. Equally, a more positive attitude will go a long way toward producing a good outcome. The prevailing mindset always plays a major role in determining behavior, so that the question of doubt is directly dependent on the state of mind. The open-minded person, when faced with a situation, would be more inclined to search for reason before condemning the action. And before reaching a conclusion, they will take the time and effort to try to understand or search for an explanation for the behavior. This is in complete contradiction of those who instead, react with fear and suspicion, and try to find a hidden intention, or place the blame on others, or reject it outright. They will never try to understand the behavior, and even less, try to find accommodation.          

         Just as important is the fact that at times, the major cause for the negative behavior may in fact be the result of our own behavior. We all, without exception, tend to view life through our narrow, restrictive lenses designed to strictly protect us at all cost. Rather than recognizing that the complexity of behavior of people demands that we use a wide-open lens in order to appreciate all the underlying factors we tend to selectively search for, interpret, or recall information that serve only to confirm our pre-existing beliefs and take action without considering the alternatives. When however, we give ourselves the benefit of doubt, we may in fact end up learning a great deal about ourselves, the role we were playing, and our impact on others. It is only when this is done, that we begin to understand the role we may have played, wittingly or otherwise, and will begin to understand why others do what they do, and why we too, must also alter our own views.

         The indisputable fact is that we all tend to make choices based on our beliefs. If we spend our time looking for ways people try to take advantage of us, we will undoubtedly find endless examples. To no small extent, this may often be less factual, and more likely because we are looking at life through our tinted lenses. By giving the benefit of doubt however, we might begin to see more clearly, to understand the view from the other side, and to look for the goodness and the positive intent. This does not in any way, deny that there are those who deliberately set out to deceive, but by setting good boundaries for yourself, the chances of being hurt are substantially reduced, while still enjoying healthy respect and associations. This is in fact, is what I believe my uncle recognized and lived by. The following quotation by an Unknown Author tried to convey this concept in these well chosen words:

“Assume the best in others. Give people the benefit of the doubt. You’ll be rewarded with a healthier mental state, and fewer conflicts in life.”

         But giving the benefit of the doubt all the time, is however never as easy to accomplish as it sounds for anyone of us. It requires us to learn to consciously shift from our “victim mindset” which serves to limit what could happen to us if we lose control, as well as the fear that if we are not careful, bad things could happen to us. In its place, by deliberately giving the benefit of doubt, we take control of our own destiny and avoid having to judge, blame or resent others who may appear to be different. It also allows us the opportunity to better understand others, resolve potential conflicts and improve relationships. Instead of having to worry about what might happen to us, we become more interested in what can be done to improve relationships. This I believe, is the real intention of that beautiful advice contained in the Holy Bible, in Ephesians 4:2:

“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with others, making allowance for each other’s faults, because of your love.”

-Indeed, giving the benefit of doubt by us to anyone can only take place as an expression of love from us. For without love, there can be no caring or respect, but only suspicion and mistrust.

 

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