SLICES OF LIFE - Living with Anger

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

These appropriately descriptive words of wisdom were spoken by the great Indian ascetic monk, philosopher, and founder of Buddhism, Lord Buddha, more than 400 years before Christ. They speak clearly and unambiguously to the dangers of living with anger, and are a powerful reminder of the potential pain, suffering and disruption that can be inflicted anyone’s emotional responses.

Seneca, the great Roman philosopher, stoic and thinker, who lived during the time of Christ, was one of the first people to undertake a serious study of anger. Interestingly, the findings he established with regard to its recognition, management and avoidance have remained virtually unchanged over the succeeding centuries of civilization and are as relevant today as they were thousands of years ago. In his famous essay he described anger as a “plague” which has cost the human race more than anything else. He concluded quite appropriately with the following observation:

“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury it provoked.”

I cannot think of anyone, including myself, who is not guilty of responding to threatened situations with inappropriate anger over and over again, and then finding that rather than solving the conflict, we had inevitably aggravated the situation. So many times I have responded in anger to situations for which at the time I felt justified, only realizing subsequently that no resolution occurred, and even worse, that the situation was further compromised. It is abundantly clear to me that anger is never productive nor is it ever justifiable or excusable, except in highly selected instances. Everyone loses a great deal more than they ever gain, and the resulting loss can rarely, if ever, be regained. This is a lesson that only few ever bother to take the time to learn.

Lawrence Douglas Wilder, the 1^st African-American to be elected as governor of an American state, Virginia, in 1990, writing about his own experiences in public life, took the time to warn others in clear and definitive terms of the dangers of anger when he recorded:

“Anger does not solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”

-Indeed, anger is the single most destructive force in human behavior!

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SLICES OF LIFE - Mutual Respect

“We are all one family in the world. Building a community that empowers everyone to attain full potential through each of us respecting each other’s dignity, rights and responsibilities, makes the world a better place to live in.”

These words were spoken by Pope John Paul II, the recently canonized Roman Catholic pontiff, recognized as one of the world’s most successful religious leaders, and a staunch supporter of the achievement of mutual respect among peoples and nations, worldwide. During his tenure he was able to significantly improve the respect and understanding among all the great religions and to reduce the levels of antagonism between nations. He spent his whole life preaching on the need for mutual love and social justice among all people, and the importance of mutual respect to all.

Mutual Respect is the very foundation of every successful relationship. Not only does it ensure current understanding and respect, but it serves as a guide post for subsequent behavior. It is the most fundamental value of any society, and when present, will allow people of all types to understand and respect their differences and their boundaries, create closer bonds, and ensure peaceful co-existence in an atmosphere that is mutually beneficial to all. When decisions are made and actions undertaken in a spirit of mutual respect and responsibility, the results are invariably more satisfying to all, and even more, serve to encourage further trust and satisfaction. In this setting, relations will grow stronger and will inevitably lead to support and respect for each other, and encourage help to the weakest to ensure success to all parties.

Far too often, people have preferred to reject this principle and instead, choose to take different roads guided by personal greed and self-satisfaction. These people are motivated far more by a need for self-protection at all cost, with a total disregard to the needs and aspiration of others. This approach, whether adopted by an individual, group or nation, is doomed to produce continued disagreement, strife, and conflict, and invariably cause more pain and dissatisfaction. This is the single, most important causative factor in most of the current socio-religious conflicts that are raging among the world’s nations and religions. It has resulted in extensive damage to interpersonal relationships of people, and widespread political and inter-religious distrust between nations. In all of them, the root causes are less to do with insurmountable factors, and much more to a selfish desire for personal gain and accumulation, and an accompanying unwillingness to respect and understand the needs of others.

Mutual respect does not require nor does it insist that there must always be common agreement on all things every time. It will only survive however, when there is goodwill among all parties, a level of trust, understanding and respect for different needs and boundaries, and a genuine and a sincere effort to accommodate them. Whenever this happens, there is always an aura of harmony and a sense of loving, caring and mutual enhancement that encompasses all the people concerned. As the internationally respected Buddhist Leader   His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama so very wisely noted:

“The message of love and compassion will travel far and wide if all who follow a spiritual path work together in harmony and mutual respect”

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SLICES OF LIFE - The Measure of Honesty

“The true measure of life is not Length, but Honesty.”

         This very astute and accurate observation was made by John Lyly, the 17^th century English author and poet, considered to be among the best of the English playwrights of that time. He was clearly confirming that a truly worthy life is never related to the number of years lived, but rather to the quality of the life lived.

Benjamin Franklin’s famous comment, “honesty is the best policy,” has been used so often at home, in school, at work, on the sports field and in church that we take it for granted, and very rarely do we question its validity or necessity. We give lip service to it whenever we are trying to reassure ourselves or impress others of our good intentions, but yet continue to live our lives and do the things that are convenient, rather than correct. When challenged, most people will rather make excuses or hide their true feelings or their intentions rather than admit the truth or accept responsibility. They are willing to do or say anything they think might get them by, not so much to be intentionally deceitful, but rather to protect their egos from being exposed and equally, their self-image being compromised.

Honesty, the quality of being honest, is a basic value of human behavior which is definable in variety of ways depending on how it is viewed. In terms of human communication, people are considered to be honest when they tell the truth to the best of their knowledge, or do not withhold or alter what they know or think. In respect of behavior, honesty refers to doing the right thing or abstaining from wrong or unacceptable actions, such as stealing or cheating. In essence, honesty incorporates all the concepts of truthfulness and reliability, and should always be an integral part all human thought, words, actions and relationships. The very well respected American religious leader James E. Faust, explained this in a simple but highly crystallized clarity when he said:

“Honesty is more than just lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.”

But even in recognizing the validity of this statement, it must never be considered as complete and irreversible. For in the course of living, there are times when unrefined honesty may give rise to pain and suffering even if it is done unintentionally. While any conscious dishonesty is never ever desirable, there are times it is more prudent to withhold or qualify such honesty especially if such action is in the other’s interest. Therefore to be truly honest, one must strive at all times to be humble and critical of one’s intentions and needs, while also being fully aware of the impact of one’s actions on others.

-In fact, by far the best measure of a person’s rewards for honesty is not in his level of satisfaction but in the effect it has on others.

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SLICE OF LIFE - In Search of Freedom

“Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of men’s desires, but by the removal of desire.”

This wonderful observation on man’s personal freedom was recorded by the highly acclaimed Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus, recognized as one of ancient Greece’s most respected and honored social philosophers. He firmly believed that all human beings must be held responsible for their own actions, which they can control through vigorous control of their desires. This belief has continued unchanged over the succeeding centuries of man’s existence on earth even to the present.

Freedom is never meant to imply the unlimited expression of personal desires irrespective of their effect on others. And it certainly does not imply a free license to think or say or do whatever one chooses without due consideration to the prevailing circumstances. Freedom is not a right bestowed upon an individual by virtue of birth, position or ability, to act or not to act as he pleases. Freedom should never be equated to survival of the fittest or control over the weakest, nor is it ever related to success or domination. These are all merely excuses designed to enhance the ego and reinforce power and desire.

Freedom in fact is all a total state of mind. It exists only when the mind is free of fear, or of any compulsion or risks that undermine living. It is not necessarily related to success, achievements or recognition, nor is it a reflection of one’s aspirations, ambitions or educational achievements. These are all merely manifestations of satisfaction of the ego and have nothing to do the fundamental desire for freedom of spirit. Freedom is in fact, a deep desire to pursue one’s own hopes and expectations in one’s own way, so long as that effort does not deprive others of their own, or impede their efforts to obtain their own.

Freedom demands acceptance of responsibility for the way the world is viewed and also, how that view affects one’s behavior in the world. If successful, this results in freeing oneself from the prevailing external circumstances and becoming master of oneself and no longer slave to events beyond control. This freedom, one of hope, thought, expression and action, is an innate right of every person to share. But it can be easily lost or abandoned by inexperience, or trampled upon by another person or circumstance. True freedom begins from deep within and always with an expression of inner satisfaction. But this is not strictly, as so many believe, the right to do whatever one pleases so long as it does not affect others, but rather doing those things that are right, even when doing so is at the expense of personal desires. As the great South African freedom fighter Nelson Mandela so very wisely observed:

“For to be free, is not merely to cast off your chain, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

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SLICE OF LIFE - Choosing Happiness

“Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others do so whenever they go.”

         This wonderfully perceptive comment by Oscar Wilde, the brilliant, flamboyant and very highly acclaimed Irish playwright, speaks volumes to the powerful effect of happiness on other peoples’ responses. In this simple statement of fact he clearly differentiated between the positive and dynamic effect by some in creating true happiness, and the completely opposite effect by others.

                  The true meaning of happiness is a question that often comes to the minds of everyone looking for answers in living. People spend endless hours searching in every direction, but only few ever succeed in finding genuinely true happiness. This occurs because of our innate tendency to look outside of ourselves for our needs, or to follow others by trying to be like them or trying not to offend them. This only leads to more frustration, disillusion, and disappointment, but very rarely to happiness. It is abundantly clear to all who care to look that happiness is in no way related to the acquisition of success, power or riches as so many believe, but everything to do with personal contentment, love and gratitude.

Happiness is feeling secure with yourself and not be anxious about your actions. It is about being satisfied with enough and not be hungry for all, and being grateful for who you are, rather than envious of others. These are the pillars on which all happiness stands. No outside source can ever provide happiness to you; it must come from inside of you. In truth, happiness is about loving who you are, and knowing where you are in life, and what you hope to be; -and never ever, about what you think you are entitled to be or ought to be!

Happiness can only occur by exercise of choice, it will never arise as a result of the influence of others. Epicurus, one of ancient Rome’s most influential philosophers stressed that “true happiness is the end and aim of living.” He rightly described it as not being the hedonistic behavior that results from the demands of the senses to satisfy personal pleasure without regard to need, but rather, comes from the wisdom to choose correctly.

Bonnie Ware, the Australian palliative nurse whose publication entitled “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” is a classic in the field of caring for the terminally ill, placed this in the correct perspective when she wrote:

“Many did not realize until the end, that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in their old patterns and habits. Fear of change had them pretending to others and to themselves, that they were content.”

The profound truth in this statement rings loudly and clearly for all to see and hear. for we are our worst enemy by continuing to live our lives dominated by pretending to be who we are not, rather than choosing who we really are.

For happiness to truly take hold, we must first free our hearts from the poison of hate, anger and suspicion, and free our minds from worry, shame and regret, and trust ourselves to do the right thing; while being grateful for everything received. Happiness is never measured by another’s yardstick, but only by the individual’s own, and can only be stored in the memory banks of that individual alone. These memories are never lost to him, but remain embedded to be recalled at will, especially in time of stress and uncertainty. For this reason, no one should wait for the right time to find happiness. It is always ready to be found. As an Unknown Author once wisely advised:

“Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how great it’s been! Sometimes a short walk down memory lane is all it takes to appreciate where you are today. Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself with others.”

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SLICE OF LIFE - Know Yourself

“Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you does not need one, and the person who dislikes you won’t believe you.”

   This quotation by an unknown author relates specifically to the need for you to know yourself, to know who you are, and to avoid the temptation of measuring yourself with other people’s yardsticks.

The statement is a statement of fact, which does not need any explanation. You do not need to prove anything to any one but yourself. Those people who know and like you, will already have sought out the needed information about you, and will have formed a favorable opinion; and a level of trust. On the other hand, for those who, for whatever reason, have an unfavorable opinion, no amount of explanation will be necessarily persuasive; they will always find cause to find fault.

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates in his teachings often declared:

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“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”

This statement speaks loudly and accurately to the fundamental need to know yourself in order to achieve happiness and peace of mind. Without a true knowledge of yourself, it will impossible to develop a sense of identity, to understand the qualities that define you, and to successfully interact with others. With self-knowledge, there will develop a deeper understanding and a genuine discovery of your inner needs and an honest and meaningful relationship with yourself. These are the hallmarks of a confident personality. Leon Brown, an African-American baseball player and an accomplished author, placed this in the right context when he advised:

“First know yourself; then you will begin to understand why things are as they are, and why life is as it is.”

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SLICE OF LIFE - Gratitude

DAILY SLICE OF LIFE

1. Gratitude

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,

                    but the mother of all the others.”

These words were recorded by one of the Ancient Roman Empire’s greatest orators, philosophers and political leaders, Marcus Tullius Cicero, who lived in the 1^st century BC. They speak eloquently to the true value of Giving Thanks to others and to yourself; and to its immeasurable importance in maintaining good human behavior.

True gratitude, the genuine expression of appreciation and thanks, can mean many things to many people. It is much more than just saying “thank you” to someone for something or some act done for you. It is rather, a deep-seated manifestation of a person’s innermost expression, and constitutes the very foundation of his personality and his life. With true gratitude deeply embedded within his psyche, a person has no difficulty in seeing life from a positive field of vision and to savor all its goodness without any preconceived expectation. Perhaps this is best expressed by the following quotation by an author whose identity is Unknown:

“It is not happiness that brings gratitude.

It is gratitude that brings happiness.”

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