DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

 Finding Your Value

 “The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone”

         This indisputably profound observation was made by the very enigmatic Jewish Russian-born American author and philosopher, Ayn Rand (Alisa Zinovyevna Rosenbaum). It formed an integral part of her philosophical approach to life which she called, Objectivism. She viewed that man’s primary purpose in this life is to achieve as much happiness as he can, and to do this, he must become fully aware of his own values, as well as the value to him, of everything and everybody associated. with him.

         It is very difficult indeed, to challenge this statement, especially since in fact, the ultimate standard of survival as a human being is based on the value each person has of himself and his environment. She elaborated further, by stating that the acceptance of this standard and goal requires us to accept the three cardinal values of reason, purpose and self-esteem as the foundation for man’s ultimate value, which is life itself. She insisted that:

 

“Personal values were therefore, not just the means to obtain as much as one can out of life, but they were themselves, the ultimate success of a person’s life.”

          For as long as he has been inhabiting this earth, man’s erratic behavior has demonstrated that it would be impossible to live the full and valuable life that we will all prefer to live, without having a full awareness and knowledge of what our true values should be. Yet despite this fact, far too many of us continue to spend an inordinate length of time just struggling to find direction, or to make decisions, or even to know how we should best spend each moment to get the best out of it. Most of us prefer to choose to float along from one activity to another like so much flotsam, allowing ourselves to be carried along by the changing tides of other people’s opinions and decisions. We then wonder why we remain so confused and dissatisfied, even as some others around us are celebrating their contentment. Clearly any life spent in this manner is a life that will remain unfulfilled and wasted, as Professor John Norman (John F. Lange Jr.) a respected American philosopher and author, confirmed in no uncertain manner, when he observed:

 “Life is too short and too precious to waste it living out someone else’s values. We must find our own values.”

.               No one will question that any life that is devoid of, or even incomplete of, a full list of values, and of beliefs, will ever be able to provide the strength or the integrity needed to derive full satisfaction. Because, without these fully established and functioning, there will be little self-awareness, and even less ability or desire to understand the reason for persevering through uncertainty and adversity. Values do not only serve to reflect the kind of persons we are, but they represent all our thoughts and our thinking, and to a large extent, will even predict our choice of behavior.

           They determine the kind of persons we are, or would like to be, and provide the groundwork, and if needed, the determination for the necessary actions needed to accomplish the task. They are the reason for all our meaningful ideas and our attitudes, and the source for the inspiration needed to keep going forward under difficult situations. They are, in many ways, the foundation on which our behavior is built, and without them, it would not be possible to make and hold on to good decisions, or to know both our true needs, and our capability.

          Core values are developed from the fundamental beliefs, and the strong, unwavering truths held by the individual.  They form the basis for the priorities for all the decision-making by the individual. They project his identity, determine right from wrong, and influence the decision in choosing between friend and foe. They faithfully serve as a personal compass, continually pointing in the right direction, while rejecting any wrong turns. They are, as the name implies, strictly personal, based much more on the individual’s interpretations and his personal perceptions, and therefore are not necessarily, consistent with other people’s values, often giving rise to conflict.

         These conflicting differences can be sources of disagreement between the expected behavior from others, and the person’s core value. They can give rise to a great deal of concern especially when a situation arises where there will be disagreement between what is expected, and what is correct behavior. Each time this situation develops, the individual is called upon to make a choice; he must choose to give in, or to stand firm. Clearly, the more confident and more grounded the individual is in himself, the easier the task becomes to be able to make the right decision to accept or to reject. Roy Disney, elder brother, and partner, of the great entrepreneur Walt Disney, confirmed his own attitude, when he stated:

 “It is not difficult to make decisions when you know what your values are.”

             Core values are not inherited like the color of your eyes, but must be instilled, nurtured and modified to satisfy your needs. Since they determine who you are, what you stand for, and what kind of life you want to live, it is of vital importance that it forms part of early education. But knowing one’s values is neither automatic, nor is it easily achieved. As children, we are taught blindly to accept and to believe in certain actions and principles and to follow them implicitly. It is only after a while, as we matured further, and became aware of our core needs, that we begin to question some of them, and to appreciate our own identity. This is the time when the urge to search out and to establish the principles and the values needed to become the person we were meant to become.

           These formative years, on which all of the person’s future life is  dependent are vital, but sadly neglected. This is the time of self-discovery, when the individual feels the stirrings of his inner being and starts to experience his likes and his dislikes. This period of self-awareness, which essentially spans the years of adolescence, is a vital component of personality development which should never be ignored, but carefully nurtured and supervised. Unfortunately, however, in these days of the modern, ‘advanced’ societies, this vital stage is being allowed to unfold without the need for supervision. As a result, we are developing a generation that is being encouraged to be free to choose as they pleased, and who will end up living a life that, to them is perfect, but one which does not fulfill their deepest desires, dreams and priorities. Erik Erikson, the German-American psychologist and an expert in development psychology, reminded us all of this fact, when he stated:

 “The attention and environment you provide, shapes the child’s brain development for life.”

         This to me, is single most significant failing of our modern societies. In our urge to encourage total independence of thought and action, we have succeeded in reducing the importance of core values in favor of choosing the more rewarding ones. No longer is anyone encouraged to question himself on whether a particular value will enhance his self-image, but rather whether it will succeed in enhancing his competitive image. And no longer is he encouraged to finding ways to help others in need, but instead to be more aggressive and selfish in holding on to as much as he can.  In addition, we are witnessing a steady rise in such negative values as hate, social and economic discrimination, greed, abuse of power, cheating and, lying by people in the highest levels, all in the name progress. And at the same time, there appears to be a commensurate erosion in the long-established positive principles developed over the centuries of civilization. For less and less are we sharing with others such noble values as empathy, respect, love, attention, honesty and truth, all of which constituted the binding glue that bonded societies and enhanced life.  

          There is no doubt that society as a whole should begin to take a hard look at its values. Yet however, it is an unfortunate fact that the great majority of humanity is neither concerned with, or even aware of, the importance of having a firm grasp of their core values. They seem to prefer to live from day to day, reacting to changes in their environment without ever knowing if their responses are consistent with their values. It is therefore no surprise that we find ourselves feeling lost without direction, overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, and a constant sense of being unfulfilled, without being able to understand why we are feeling so. These are all manifestations of living without values. They are not new by any means, but have existed for as long as we have been around. It has not changed much over the centuries, as this 16^th century statement by Michel de Montaigne, the highly regarded French author and humanistic philosopher, whose work continues to be sought after, observed:

 

“The value of life lies not in the length of days, but in the use that we make of them. Whether you find satisfaction in life, depends not on your tale of tears, but on your will.” 

 

  -This indeed is the message that has been lost to so many of us. We continue trying our very best to be like others and in so doing, give up the most important gift of being ourselves. Elvis Presley, one of America’s greatest entertainers, who succeeded beyond anyone’s expectations to stamp his own values on the world, offered the best reason I have ever seen. 

 

“Your values are like your fingerprints. Nobody’s is the same, but you leave them all over everything you do.”

 

-Life will be so much more rewarding if we remember this in everything we do.

 

 

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

Life with Today’s Mother

[THIS ESSAY WAS FIRST PUBLISHED SEVERAL YEARS AGO. IT HAS SINCE BEEN VIEWED BY COUNTLESS NUMBERS OF PEOPLE. SOME HAVE AGREED AND OTHERS HAVE NOT, BUT NO ONE HAS DENIED THE VITAL PLACE OF MOTHERHOOD IN THE LIFE OF THE FAMILY.]

 

          As children we would often ask our late mother: which of the seven of us is your favorite one?

She would invariably answer, without the slightest hesitation, by reciting this old and tested Arab proverb:

“My favorite child is:
The baby, until he grows up.
The one who is sick, until he gets better.
The one who is away, until he comes home.
The one who is worried, until he stops worrying.

And then, all my children, for as long as I live.”

         Historically, a good mother is expected to devote her whole life to her family. She is the glue that held the family together, that provided the loving, supporting care they needed, and ensured the stable and consistent environment that is so important for the growing child. Above all else, she provides that tender nurturing that plays such a vital and irreplaceable role in the growth and maturity of the child. She in fact, is the care-giver, the nurse, the provider, the teacher, the advisor and the protector, all wrapped up in a single, unique, and beautiful package.

         Without ever being asked to do so, deep down within her spirit, she feels obligated to care for the family and to put their needs before all else. And she willingly, and unhesitatingly will set aside all her personal aspirations; however urgent they may be, to devote her life to the welfare of her family. And although her family may take for granted her special role as the 24-hour, unflinching source of all their needs, yet to her, her children were all God’s gifts to her, and she was not about to fail them. This role was beautifully described in the following quotation taken from the pages of the Godey’s Lady’s Book, 1867, a popular 19th century publication. It is certainly one that will garner unanimous agreement from everyone:

"About every true mother there is a sanctity of martyrdom, and when she is no more in the body, her children see her with the ring of light around her head."

         But, unfortunately, over the last several decades women's roles have been changing so much that many of the accepted facts relating to the priority of these roles have also changed. Especially so, is society's present vision of a woman as a multifaceted creature; one that should be able to manage her professional and personal aspirations with equal success and finesse, as her maternal responsibilities. While this change in many ways is admirable and desirable, the resulting conflict between the complex expanded roles of the new mother, and those with traditional beliefs, have given rise to many problems. So much so that many good and genuine women now find themselves being tested as never before, leading some to even question their own ability.

         Compounding this conflict are such factors as the increasing role of the mother as a second breadwinner, the resulting breakdown of the conventional family unit, and the rising tendency of the single-parent household. As a result, it is becoming extremely difficult for mothers to be able to provide everything a child needs to ensure optimum growth. She must now, not only provide the physical care and emotional support a child needs, but she must, at the same time, also provide enough income for the family to live on. Unfortunately, even with the best intentions and with increased effort, this situation frequently leads to problems of coping within the family. Many of these could result in serious negative effects, some of which may well compromise the ultimate growth and development of the children.  

         The true art of good motherhood is not, as so many men tend to assume, a natural or automatic instinct inherited by the mother. It takes a great deal of learning and practice to become a genuine and worthy mother. In the past, when they were raised in a caring home by a caring parent fully committed to passing it on to the child, they were certainly much better prepared. Unfortunately, in today’s setting with her increased demands, the mother is not able to spend the time and attention to the children, and as a result, not able to truly pass on the “old fashioned” maternal skills in the way that her mother was able to do.

         This has led to a succeeding generation of young women with less of the skills of their predecessors, and even less inclination to follow their examples. And when this is added to the increasing demand for self-sufficiency, and expanding work opportunities, it is not difficult to visualize the changing image of the role expected of modern motherhood. Among these are the increasing use of adjunct help like nurseries, pre-school, and babysitters to augment the mother’s role. All of which can play a significant role the child’s growth, but should not ever replace the mother’s influence. Yet, in many ways, if we are not careful, the children are at risk of losing their distinct identity, and having it replaced it with a common ‘herd’ one.

         I make no excuse for being so old-fashioned in lamenting the progressive demise of the full time, stay-at-home mother, with all the irreplaceable advantages it carries for the successful care, support and growth of the family. Equally, I do not deny that even in this modern day of the multifaceted mother, there are still, many instances of exceptional work done by many mothers whose children themselves, have become wonderful examples of caring mothers. The problem is that it is so much more difficult to ensure optimum results with the impersonal approach.

         No one can ever deny the unique and special place held by the mother in every society, and in every family unit. It is a role that must never be compromised for any reason or excuse whatever. Not enough can ever be written of this unique role the mother plays, nor should we ever be willing to relinquish our responsibilities toward them. But in the end, I cannot ever hope to do any better than to repeat the words of Washington Irving, the great 19th century American author and historian, in his own sensitive and special way, describing his view of a Mother:

“A Mother is the truest friend we have. When trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us, when adversity takes the place of prosperity, and when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine but desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels, to dissipate the clouds of darkness,
and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

-Indeed, as W. R. Wallace, the 19^th century Scottish-American poet so very wisely declared:

“The hand that rocks the cradle

is the hand that rules the world.”

 

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“God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.”

                                                                            …Rudyard Kipling

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my Angel Mother.”

            ………Abraham Lincoln

“No gift to your Mother can ever equal her gift to you:                         - Your Life!”                                     .... Unknown Author

“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all little children.”

                         .... William Makepeace Thackeray

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about my Mother, I could walk forever in my garden.”                        

 .... Claudia Gandhi

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