TRUSTING YOURSELF

 

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch, but on its own wings; 
  -Always believe in yourself!”

        

These very perceptive words, contained in a quotation by an Unknown Author, speak directly to the power of trusting oneself. Without the confidence that comes from trusting one’s ability, neither this nor any other action can be accomplished. Trusting oneself, as the quotation implies, must begin from within, with a belief in oneself and the courage to follow through. It does not, and must not be controlled by any other influence or by any external force. Rather, it must originate internally, arising directly out of the person’s willingness and confidence to rely on his own initiative, ability and integrity to deal with the challenges in his life; -free from any dependence or reliance on help from other sources!

All the members of the animal kingdom, with the exception of the humans are, after a short period of nurturing, left to seek their own resources to survive as best as they can. They quickly learn to do so by their own effort, without having to rely on anything else. But in the case of human beings the very opposite applies. From birth, the child is nurtured fully, coming under the influence and the control of belief systems of family and friends as well as to a multitude of different surrounding cultural surrogates. As the child’s development progresses into adulthood, it continues to be influenced to varying degrees, by the demands of people in authority with whom it comes in contact, in addition to the accepted practices of the society at large.

 The main thrust of these influences is aimed toward personal protection, self-preservation and conformity to the existing status quo. Since these are predominantly fear-based and limiting, and do not encourage or support change or risk-taking, it should be no surprise therefore that having lived through this period of conformity, the adult rather than being free to experiment and take risks, ends up with a sense of hesitancy, uncertainty and fear of making any choices that tend to go against the prevailing behavior patterns. The end result is the acquisition of an undercurrent of doubt in trusting itself to make good choices, even when it may judge them to be justifiable. This hesitancy explains the constant need of so many to look to, and find reassurance from others in any thing they do. It is this attitude that prompted Dr. Benjamin Spock, the well recognized American-born pediatrician and author of the most successful book on child care, “Baby and childcare” in 1964, and a leading advocate of positive child behavior, to offer this reassuring advise:

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think.”

Sigmund Freud, the renowned Austrian-born, American neurologist and the acknowledged father of Psychoanalysis, was the first to explain that behavior has less to do with what we think we know, and more about the effect of our past experiences and their influence, real or imagined, on our unconscious mind. He postulated that all our painful experiences in childhood remain repressed in our subconscious and as a result, they control and modify our subsequent behavior. The intent of the subconscious is to avoid further perceived pain and conflict, and because of this, all our actions are directed away from any risk-taking, challenges or change. In this setting, it becomes easy to understand why trust in oneself is replaced by a fear of failing, and confidence becomes suppressed by caution.

 It should not come as a surprise therefore that so often we find ourselves looking to others to try to find solutions because we do not trust ourselves to do the things we know we are capable of doing. We have become so defensive that we are content to create safe zones which serve only to protect the status quo, and cheat ourselves from all the joys of full expression. It is this sub-conscious lack of faith in ourselves, and what we are capable of doing, which interferes with our ability to produce our best, and forces us to stay within ‘comfortable’ limits by firmly discouraging risk-taking.

 Further, people who don’t trust themselves, actually create, within their psyche, a self-perpetuating cycle of fear and inadequacy that serves to continually convince themselves, at the subconscious level,  that any attempt to seek the happiness and satisfaction they wanted, may have serious consequences. They continue to live in this quasi-paradoxical way of accepting less than they know they are capable of achieving, in order to avoid the perceived consequences of trying and failing. Instead, they follow others, in order to avoid having to blame themselves in the event there is failure.

         Every act of trusting involves a constant interaction between the past experiences, the present desires and the future anticipation. The ultimate results will depend on which of these are dominant. If the past experiences are dominant, then the actions taken are likely to be defensive and without risk resulting in extreme caution in oneself, and greater dependence on others. On the other hand, when the future dominates, without truly taking into account the past experiences and failings, and ignoring present needs and capability, the results are equally unrewarding and disappointing. Trusting can only be truly effective and rewarding when a balance exists between the recognition of past experiences, the correct assessment of future needs, and a realistic knowledge of present ability. When this combination is operating, when one is able to function fully and unencumbered, then and only then can the greatest levels of freedom, satisfaction and contentment be achieved. A study of any of the very successful entrepreneurs will readily reveal the strong presence of this balance, without which they could not have achieved success.

        Learning to trust one self is neither difficult nor impossible, but requires understanding, commitment and persistence. It must begin with an honest evaluation and incite of who you are and what you truly want out of this life. Only then can you proceed forward confidently, guided by your past experiences, your good sense and your intuition to achieve your goals. The late Steve Jobs, one of the most successful entrepreneurs of all time, founder and CEO of such successful companies as Apple Inc, and Pixar Animation Inc, in his classic commencement speech to the graduating class of Stanford University in 2005, concluded with the following advice:

“Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something; -your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever! This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Nothing I have heard before and after can match the power and the accuracy of this advice. In just a few short lines Jobs laid out the framework that every person who is seeking to learn and to implement how to trust himself, should follow.

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