THE LIGHTHOUSE - A Father’s Role

“You represent that Lighthouse to me, because no matter how stormy the seas of life became, you were always that pillar, the beacon of light to guide me through the trying times. No matter how rough or dark things may seem, your strength and your unmistakable guiding light brought me to a sound conclusion.”

These words, written by my son Ted on the occasion of my 75th birthday, touched me more than anything else I heard that night, or since. I can think of nothing that so completely describes the role of a successful father, and distills his responsibilities as he performs his sacred duties of guiding his child through the stormy seas of life.

A lighthouse is a structure placed by the maker to guide and protect its people as they navigate through life’s stormy and treacherous waters, and to provide the necessary light and signals by word, by action and by example to bring them into safe harbors. To be successful, the lighthouse must stand as a constant and reliable source of strength, be a monument to motivation and inspiration, and be consistent, persistent and unwavering in its standards. To be effective, it must remain tall and strong against bad influences, and must be able to withstand the pounding of the waves of criticism, the onslaught of hate and prejudices, the terrors of life and the thunder of enemies, all the while its tireless beacon showing the way consistently without change or interruption.

As I see it, a father’s role is no different, and no less sacred than that of the lighthouse. He must first recognize that his children are precious and sacred responsibilities merely entrusted to him for care and guidance, as Khalil Gibran, the great Lebanese-American poet and philosopher so beautifully described:

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. 

They came through you, but not from you, and
though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.”

Like the Lighthouse, the father’s role is to be committed to provide the guiding light to help them navigate through the troubled and daunting road to maturity with fairness and consistency, but never to own or to possess.

The way each person sees the world depends on the experiences and lessons acquired on his journey through life and the guidance he receives as he travels along. And with the lighthouse present, success or failure is directly related to the strength of its omnipresent structure and its guiding light shining over every character and every action, providing warning and giving direction. This is the true role of the father and one which, to be effective must be undertaken with intense determination and care.

As I see it, the role of a true father is being present to offer guidance and direction without control or domination, while providing the necessary learning, tools and opportunities to help the child develop to its full potential. Clarence B. Kellard, the prolific American author brilliantly described this responsibility in one of his essays in such eloquent simplicity:

“My Father didn’t tell me how to live;
He lived, and let me watch him do it.”

Nothing is more unsettling than to encounter fathers whose selfish motivation drive them to compete with, rather than guide their child. Or worse still, the absent father whose callous, wanton abandonment of his responsibility makes him worse than an animal. They all hide behind such statements as “my father never helped me and I did very well on my own”. This is very unfortunate and to my mind, very unacceptable. There can be no excuse for abandonment of this sacred responsibility except in illness or death. Even when, for whatever reason the parents separate, there can be no excuse for the Father to relinquish his sacred role of guiding his children.

There is inevitably a feeling of an indescribable honor and pride in every father who is blessed with children in whom he is able to reap the reward of his efforts. No amount of material wealth or personal possessions or fame or fortune can match the feeling of a proud father savoring the successes of his children; or for that matter, replace the desolation and disappointment of disenchanted children on their failed father.

 But like all very successful lighthouses, there has to be constant attention paid to maintaining the highest levels of performance and a willingness to adapt and adjust to the prevailing changes. A father’s biggest mistake is to continue to take things for granted and not recognize that as the prevailing circumstances change, so do needs and expectations. He needs to know every day that to be worthy of the respect of his children, demands eternal vigilance and flexibility.

For myself, I often recall a prayer written by an unknown author to constantly remind me of this noble responsibility. I strongly recommend it to all true fathers: 

 One night a father overheard his son pray:
“Dear God, make me the kind of man my Dad is.”

 Later that night, the father prayed:

 “Dear God, make me the kind of man my son wants

  me to be.”

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