SEEKING APPROVAL

“Trying to finding oneself by seeking the approval of

  others means the murder of oneself.”

This dramatic quotation by an Unknown Author, effectively describes a situation that is far more common than it ought to be, and is one that is not easily corrected. Most people rather than trust themselves to use their own judgment and arrive at their own conclusions, prefer to choose instead, to act in a way that meets the approval of others. This formula, although very convenient for group behavior, inevitably leads to negative, uncomfortable, unfulfilling results, and as the quotation suggests, ultimately to destruction of the individual’s ego. The consequences are well known and predictable, as another Unknown Author succinctly observed:

“Seeking approval from others and listening to opinions that don’t resonate with you, is detrimental to happiness.”

Unfortunately, this almost universal tendency of people seeking approval of others for everything they do is neither a recent nor is it an unexpected behavior. In fact human beings have exhibited this innate need for approval for all of their existence on this earth. Its onset is directly related to the need for survival in prehistoric times, when staying together was the only way to ensure safety. Non-acceptance or rejection by the group triggered such an intense fear of risk to life that people became subconsciously conditioned to do whatever necessary to avoid any form of disapproval in order to stay alive. This attitude became deeply embedded in our psyche and has been passed on down from generation to generation. It has continued to dominate human behavior. 

In addition to this development, there is psycho-physical component to be considered. Many studies in human social behavior over the years have shown that the center of response in the brain that reacts to rejection and fear is closely related to the one controlling physical pain, and that they both tend to trigger the same unpleasant responses. This would explain why people will do anything to avoid any of these unpleasant experiences. Because of this relationship, people are naturally wired to look for approval as a way to prevent having to cope with any of them, at any cost. This mind-body relationship has been long recognized but not clearly understood, as the following quotation by an Unknown Observer noted:

“Evolution has programmed us to feel rejection in our guts. This is how the tribe enforced obedience, by wielding the threat of expulsion. Pain and Fear of rejection are not only psychological, they are biological as well.”

 Another factor which contributes to the individual’s subsequent actions of seeking approval is the Quality of Upbringing. From birth, children are brought up with an attitude to seek approval from all adult figures in their life, including the parents, the teachers and others in authority. They quickly learnt this was the best way to secure and maintain attention and be rewarded. Equally they also learnt that the best way to make and keep friends was to seek approval from them. This was the easiest way to ensure acceptance and secure inclusion in the group. Further, in school and at home they were actively taught to act and share together in groups and strongly discouraged from trying to do otherwise. They learned early on, that this was the most effective way to be recognized and to readily fit into the world around them; a world which actively frowns upon those who chose not to do so, or to be different. The result of this is that they develop firmly entrenched belief systems that they must always be responsive to other people’s opinion and feeling, before making any decision or action that might be different. In short, children are encouraged to be followers rather than leaders or originators.

                                                                       

It should be no surprise to any one that people who need and seek approval usually have a low self-esteem and lack confidence in themselves, and in their ability to stand alone. They are often self-critical and are constantly searching for approval before undertaking any task. The underlying basis is not only, as is often suggested, the result of inheritance acquired from centuries of exposure, but in addition there is a strong learned component acquired directly from exposure to influences in the early years. Children brought up with constant criticism and in an over protective setting are more likely to develop a dependent and defensive personality. They tend to spend more time comparing themselves to others, and worrying about any difference. They are prone to make decisions designed more to avoid criticism than to choose the right course to suit their needs. On the other hand, when children are encouraged to be independent and to try everything out, they are more likely to be confident of themselves and to chose their own direction and set their own course. Denis Waitley, the very successful and highly respected American author, inspirational speaker and consultant, emphasized the importance of this aspect when he wrote:

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

The individual who is deprived of this opportunity, who grows up smothered by over protection and fear, will experience a great deal of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in his relationships, and be more eager to search for approval, if only for his own reassurance. This indeed, is probably one of the major reasons for the rampant and increasing incidence of insecurity and neuroticism that exists in the society presently. In this setting, far too frequently, when people are faced with situations caused by others making decisions that do not meet with approval, they will allow them to pass unchallenged for fear of criticism, and then pay a price for doing so. Their lack of confidence and of conviction clearly prevents them from doing otherwise.

Vernon Howard, an American philosopher, author and lecturer, who specialized in the psychology of personal development, drew clear attention to this situation when he wrote:

“A truly strong person does not need the approval of others, any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.”

Seeking approval from others is never a formula for satisfaction and happiness under any circumstances. It only serves to lower your self-esteem, reduce your drive and confidence and help you to build your own private prison with the bars of fear and rejection. It is amazing what people will do to achieve affirmation and acceptance from others. They fool themselves into believing that by doing this, they are in fact helping others, especially if the action is acknowledged or reinforced with praise. It is almost as if a void exists somewhere in the psyche craving praise and acceptance from outside sources because we ourselves cannot do so on our own. To complicate matters, after a short while this approval-seeking need becomes quite addicting and like any other addiction, leads to entirely new habits and actions to justify its continuation. The amazingly unbelievable rise of the Social Networking Phenomenon that has taken place over the last few years is the most glaring example of our addiction to the need to seek approval, even if it involves exposing our lives in every detail.

Yet despite all of this, it is truly gratifying how much can be achieved when one is able to stop living a life of seeking approval from others. When you no longer allow yourself to be defined by others and when you trust yourself to make the right decisions, your world opens in ways that were unimaginable to you. All the successful leaders and innovators of this world grew strong and powerful not by seeking approval, but rather by standing tall on their own principles. Jonathon Lockwood Huie, the great American author and inspirational speaker, and one of the leaders of the self-help movement, spoke directly and clearly to this when he advised:

“Know that you are unique and magnificent.

You do not need the approval of others.”

Steve Jobs, undeniably one of the most successful entrepreneurs, originators, inventors and business magnates the world has ever witnessed, spent all his life pursuing his own dreams while aggressively rejecting approval from friends and enemies alike. He summarized his attitude during the memorable address he made in 2005 during his commencement address to the graduating class at Stamford University in this simple but poignant advice:

“Don’t let the noise of other opinions drown out your own inner voice”

This statement will forever stand as a testament against having to seek approval of any kind.

         It is a matter of urgency that we begin to teach our children that they do not have to seek approval from anyone but themselves and equally, they need not be concerned about others disagreeing. That is natural, healthy and acutely needed, if we entertain any hopes of changing the next generation's dealing with society's attitudes. The earlier they can recognize that the seeking of approval is often an admission of lack of trust and confidence in oneself and one’s ability, and that any respect offered can only be genuine when action chosen is inherently correct. It is the only way to ensure that the decisions taken are essentially one’s own, and to affirm one’s right to seek a happy and purposeful life. It does not exclude the possibility that others may have differing views which must also be respected, but this can take place so much better from a position of strength! The great American author and folklorist, Mark Twain, was extremely convincing when he made the following observation:

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

He was in fact speaking to every one of us who find ourselves needing approval to get by in life!

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FORGIVING OTHERS

“By not forgiving a person you don’t really hurt him, you hurt yourself. You build a high wall between yourself and God. This prevents his good graces from flowing back to you, and you become filled with such bad feelings that consume all of you, and your relationship with everyone else around you.”  

         These words were spoken by my cousin Starr Sabga during a discussion on the evils of not forgiving others. In her simple but direct manner, she focused correctly on the true effect this action has on us and our life situation. Like a rotting fruit which, if not replaced destroys everything around it, so too, not forgiving will affect everything we do, or think, or believe or hoped for.

It has long been recognized that the action of not forgiving others for their transgressions against us can induce profound changes in our ability to relate with others or even with ourselves. We become angry, suspicious and frustrated and quickly begin to mistrust other people’s intentions, even accusing them of planning against us.  Before long we often end up losing sight of the original conflict, as we develop an ever widening circle of “enemies” in our lives. In short we begin to change, becoming in some ways, unhappy people with different attitudes and different expectations. Jonathan Lockwood Huie, the gifted and prolific American author and inspirational speaker, expressed this thought in the following simple but direct manner:

“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness,

But rather because you deserve peace.”

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Forgiveness is a virtue, and like Love, is among the most popular  words appearing in the Holy Bible; and for that matter, in the holy writings of all the major religious beliefs. There are more than one hundred references to forgiveness in the Bible. Every one of them specifically and unequivocally directs us to forgive our transgressors as we are forgiven for our own wrongdoings. In no instance are any conditions specified and in all instances we are expected to willingly and unconditionally forgive others. Without this condition, we cannot be expected, nor are we able, to receive forgiveness for ourselves from God or from man. Every one of the major religions of the world have references in their holy writings on this topic and there are almost identical attitudes expressed by all. The following are examples: 

        

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins

 against us.

                                           …..The Holy Bible (Luke 11: 4)

When asked by an offender for forgiveness,

one should forgive with a sincere When mind and a willing spirit, 

-for forgiveness is natural to the seed of Israel.

                                                   …..Mishneh Torah

He who Forgives, and is reconciled unto his enemy,                                                                                                  shall receive his reward from God.

                                                       …..The Holy Koran

 

In the law of Karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing forgiveness,

                                                       ....Buddhist Teaching

Righteousness is the one highest good;

Forgiveness is the one supreme peace;

                                                   …..Hindu Teaching

                                                  

                  

There is absolutely no doubt that for as long as man has been in existence, his inability or his refusal, to offer or accept forgiveness, individually or collectively, has been the cause of more suffering, turmoil and soul destruction than any other single factor in human relationship. This has been the cause of more animosity and hate among the peoples and nations of the world and has given rise to more conflicts and wars than any other factor in human behavior. The history of the world is replete with examples of unnecessary conflicts and suffering resulting from unwillingness to forgive or even to understand other people’s actions until much destruction, pain and suffering has taken place. By far, the greatest tragedy that has befallen this world is that man has yet to recognize the importance of seeking understanding and forgiveness in times of conflict, and as a result continues to commit the same grave mistakes over and over again.

              

Forgiveness is considered by Psychologists to be one of the Primary Principles in human behavior. It is a state of resolution which essentially serves to restore and maintain a balance in normal human response and behavior.  It is a quality by which a person ceases to feel further resentment against another for a wrong committed against him. To forgive means to give up the feelings of antagonism, stop resenting and pardoning someone for an offense committed. That action, when effectively done, will go a long way to restoring the previous balance and trust that existed. It is impossible, both psychologically and physically, to maintain any form of equilibrium when one remains encumbered by any state of unresolved emotion. It inevitably creates internal forces which tend to further induce overt alterations in subsequent behavior and leads to further deterioration in outcomes. In the end, irrespective of whether one feels justified or not, no one will ever gain, and there inevitably will develop further destabilization in the lives of all the parties.

But the act of forgiving another can only truly begin with the forgiving of oneself. It is impossible to forgive others of any of their transgression, if we are not able to recognize and deal with our own internal conflicts. People involved in conflict resolution will invariably attest that before any resolution can take place, the individuals must be encouraged to undergo their own self-evaluation and resolve their own conflicts before moving forward. This is not difficult to understand, since in the great majority of cases, the basic reason for the conflict itself can quite often result from or is exaggerated by, the individual’s own innate or preconceived make-up. Far too often, conflicts arise as a result of misunderstanding or misinterpretation of situations or actions and the unwillingness for the parties accept or forgive mistakes. This gives truth to the statement that is so often repeated but rarely noted that:

 “It is not what you intended to do, but what they think you are intending to do, that creates the difference.”

         Most people are not aware that the act of not forgiving is a disease which inevitably affects the mind and body of all concerned, and that to forgive is as therapeutic, as it is blessed. The relief that results is very palpable and very personal. Despite this, many people will not let go, but will continue to travel on that lonely road. They become prisoners of their own making, even as it destroys them, internally, and their ability to maintain good relationships, outwardly. Over and over during my many years of practice I have witnessed dramatic changes following successful resolution that I am convinced that this is the rule rather than the exception. I have seen amazing transformation occurring after a situation is successfully resolved. The aura of relief and joy is palpable to all and the sense of peace and happiness is overwhelming, as understanding and trust returns with both parties. The impact is so powerful at times that I am convinced that even the heavens celebrate these moments. Lewis B. Smedes, the renowned American author and theologian, in a brief and poignant note eloquently described the true effect to the forgiver, when he successfully forgives:  

 “To forgive is to set a prisoner free,                                                                                                                                                                                            and discover the prisoner was you”.

Doing this however is never as easy as we may think. In fact, it is a lot easier to remain in the negative state of choosing to withhold forgiveness while instead, laying blame on the other person or on circumstance. To face up to this reality is, at minimum, very demanding on our psyche. That we may indeed be responsible, if only in part, triggers a deep-seated, fundamental resistance to admitting our own weakness. This forces us to hold on to resentment and hurt, and to reinforce our subconscious determination against change. For any change means admission of personal responsibility, something most people are reluctant to do. It takes a strong person to willingly forgive and move on. Anyone else will spend so much time wallowing in self-pity and resentment that they end up losing sight of their own reasons for being sorry for themselves. This I believe is what the great Indian guru, Mahatma Gandhi meant when he observed:

“The weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

But to me, perhaps the best advice anyone could pass on to those people suffering from the pains of “Not Able to Forgive” are the words in the Holy Bible, contained in Ephesians 4:31-32:  

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you together with all malice.

And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”.

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COURAGE TO STAND ALONE

 

“It is easy to stand in a crowd,

 but it takes courage to stand alone.”

These words by the great Mahatma Gandhi, pre-eminent leader of India’s independence movement and the architect of the principle of non-violent civil disobedience that has since dramatically influenced the world, have become a universal banner for commitment and courage. For as long as recorded history is available, the world has witnessed acts of individual courage, where committed individuals have stood out against tyranny and unacceptable social conditions, submitted to untold pressures and suffering, only to succeed in their effort to improve their world. They stood up alone, whe the rest were content to cower in fear and apathy!

But when we chose to take an unpopular position and speak out against unsatisfactory prevailing conditions we must recognize there may be a price to be paid. We must be prepared not only to find ourselves standing alone, but very likely be exposed to ridicule from friends and others. We must also be prepared to face the onslaught of embarrassments and criticisms likely to follow. It means having the courage to stand on our beliefs, to hold steadfastly to the truth as we saw it, and resolutely express it. It means being prepared to move away from our comfort zones if this is needed, and push ourselves further beyond our safe limits. It means also, and above all, being prepared to accept that we might not be always right, and when that happens, be honest and willing to accept responsibility and learn from the experience. These are the criteria that are absolutely necessary to make sure that our efforts can be successful. They bear no relations to our natural ability or physical or intellectual endowment, but every thing to our innate character and spirit. U. G. Krishnamurti, the renowned Indian philosopher, very wisely and simply explained this in the following manner:

“You can have the courage to climb mountains, swim lakes, go on a raft to the other side of the Atlantic or Pacific seas; That, anyone can do. But the courage to be on your own, to stand on your two solid feet, is something that cannot be given by somebody.”

Consider the following outstanding examples of people who chose to stand alone and in doing so, succeeded in effecting major social changes the world:

Mahatma Gandhi: an excellent example who he led India, his nation, in non-violent action against British rule. Even though he was jailed several times for his protests, he persisted to eventual victory with total independence in 1947.

Nelson Mandela: who gave up a chance to enjoy a privileged life, to fight against the unjust system of apartheid in South Africa. He persisted even after a 20 year prison sentence was pronounced. But before this was completed, as a result of world pressure being brought on the government, he was released to lead a free Republic of South Africa.

Martin Luther King Jr.: an ordained minister, who will always be recognized as the symbol of the non-violent fight against racial discrimination in the US. He faced extremely virulent opposition and blatant discrimination by certain sections of the American population. His efforts eventually forced a change in the US law and led eventually to the election of a black president in 2008.        

Malala Yousafzai: the young Pakistani schoolgirl who chose to defy the dictum by the Taliban Muslim extremists and to campaign for the rights for education for girls. Despite being almost killed, she has become a global symbol for education and women’s rights and was awarded the Nobel Prize.

These are but four of the endless number of people who have chosen to stand apart and to fight on their principle. They had chosen national issues and as a result have gained national recognition. But every day in so many ways, people have exercised this principle of standing apart from others, and have exhibited the courage to stand their ground. Even in our mundane day-to-day living, when you stand up against cheating, when you show courage to remain faithful in your relationships even after others urge you otherwise, when you refuse to drink beyond a reasonable degree even in the midst of celebrations, when you chose to work on, when others urge you to join them in protest, these are all examples of special people in special occasions exercising their right to stand alone. This is courage at its best. As Eleanor Roosevelt, the accomplished author, poet and wife of America’s longest serving president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, so wisely observed:

“When you have decided what you believe, what you feel must be done, have the courage to stand alone and be counted.” 

Unfortunately, society as it presently functions is intent on resisting any change that disturbs its status quo, and as a result does not easily accommodate dissention. Indeed society works best by encouraging the majority rule, and discouraging any attempt by individuals to be different. Added to this is the fact that people in general prefer to follow the crowd and relinquish the responsibility to the few chosen among them as de-facto or designated leaders. It is clearly a lot easier for the establishment to maintain uniformity and control by maintaining this status quo, since it does not have to deal with objections or disagreement. In like manner, it would appear that it is preferable to the leaders if the public follow the crowd in the direction laid down by them and avoid doing anything that “rocks the boat.” But doing what is needed to be done at the right time, to the right people, in the right manner, especially where the stakes are high, takes confidence and courage. Haldór Laxness, the internationally respected Icelandic poet and Nobel Laureate brilliantly and precisely summarized this position in the following manner:

                             

“A man is not independent unless he has the courage to Stand Alone!”

 Each culture or society or organization functions with certain core values, beliefs and objectives. In the natural state there are dynamic processes constantly operating that, on the one hand try to encourage the acceptance of new ideas and concepts while the others insist on not changing but continued stability. It is clearly a lot easier to maintain the current status and many will go to great lengths to do this. Most people are inherently predisposed to resist change or to accommodate any change in the environment without objecting, even if they consider the change helpful. Any one therefore who stands up to object, or to try to introduce disruptive change will undoubtedly have a negative impact on major segments of their society. This is the reason why so many are discouraged from standing up, even if they felt it necessary, and risk the possibility of resistance and ridicule from society. As E. Arnold Bennett, the highly respected English poet and author so wisely noted:

   Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”

    

 Friedrich Nietzche, the famous German philosopher, social critic and author who found himself in repeated situations of having to stand up against social and religious inequalities during his lifetime made the following observation:

“The individual has always to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes even frightened.”

There is indeed great truth in this statement, since the road to be traveled and the struggle to be endured is invariably a lonely, difficult one, strewn with boulders of disgust, disdain and disrespect designed and engineered by those who resist the change. It invariably demands a great deal of courage and forbearance to survive the storms that gather from friend and foe alike.  As J. K. Rowling, the greatly acclaimed author of the world’s best selling series The Harry Potter Fantasies, writing from personal experience, noted:

 “It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies

  But it takes a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”

Indeed, there is often a very steep price to be paid for having the courage to stand up for your beliefs and ideals, but equally, you will pay a similar and difficult price in the subsequent regret and remorse you may feel for not doing so.

But history has shown however, that in the end each one of us at some time in our life, will be called upon to stand up and defend our principles. We are the only ones who will decide whether to answer the call or not. We will always be faced with two choices, either to remain seated and let others do the fighting, or do as the late great Jamaican Reggae exponent Bob Marley strongly advised us all in the chorus of his very popular song entitled “Get up, Stand up:”

‘Get up; stand up for your rights.

Get up! Stand up! Don’t give up the fight.”

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LIVING WITH VIOLENCE

 

“America is, by far, the most violent country in the world, when measured against comparable industrialized nations.”

This statement contained in the 2007-2008 Annual Report by Edmund R. Brown, Jr. California’s then Attorney General, accurately crystallizes the true status of violence in America. He continued to further explain his conclusion in the following manner:

“Violence is deeply rooted in our society and has become woven into the fabric of the American lifestyle. A culture of violence has emerged that invades our lives at every level, from our most intimate relationships at home, to all our schools and work environments.”

Indeed, compared with the other advanced countries of the world, America has the highest rate of prison incarcerations, with more   than 2 million prisoners in the prisons at any time. This is a number that equates to more than quarter of the world’s prison population. In addition, the country has consistently reported the highest per capita homicide rates in the industrialized world, without any exception. Even of more concern is the fact that more people of all ages possess more forms of military-style weapons for “self-protection” than all the rest of the world’s population put together. By any socially accepted yardstick this phenomenon seems to be a truly American obsession, and to quote the words of H. R. Schiffman, an American psychologist:

“Violence is as American as Apple-pie.”

The last 50 years has seen profound cultural changes taking place throughout our society which have affected our attitudes, our expectations and our behavior. Not only have we seen a steady, progressive breakdown of the once sacrosanct family unit, but there is a systemic degradation of the fundamental value of life as well. And compounding these changes there has occurred a steady increase of abandonment of conventional parental responsibilities, and a parallel increase of antisocial behavior among the young. This milieu has resulted in projecting an aura of violence in our society and concomitant fear within us. This increased awareness of violence around us has forced us to change the way we live in our homes, our workplaces and our neighborhoods in more and more areas of our cities. It has made us feel like prisoners in our homes, often afraid to venture out alone.

The increase in gang formation and activities, the drug violence, the drive-by shootings, daylight muggings and the indiscriminate personal attacks occurring with painful regularity has deeply altered the dynamics, so that no one can feel immune from these incidences of violent behavior. They continue to grow in strength and regularity at a faster pace. No one can forget the catastrophic event that occurred recently, in a Parkland, Florida high school, when a disgruntled 19 year old ex-student walked in and callously murdered 17 and injured 16 people in a 61/2 minute outburst of violence. This was just another example of what has become a increasingly common event. Is it any surprise therefore, that some of the fastest growing industries in this country are private security and weapons?

 The late great Roman Catholic Pope John Paul 11 in his unique inimitable way, described the effect of violence in communities when he said:

“Violence is a crime against humanity, for it destroys the very fabric of humanity.”

Although we publicly lament the existence of violence in our cities, within our society, and in our schools, we ourselves, continue to be guilty of sending mixed and confusing messages to our children and to the world. By encouraging wanton violence on our TV screens and in our cinemas, by highlighting and openly encouraging violence in sport and entertainment and on the playing field, and by not objecting to the increasing violence in the video games and arcades easily available to our children, we are in fact encouraging them to think that this type of behavior is acceptable. Further by making and endorsing heroes of crooks and criminals, we are succeeding in indoctrinating our children that violence in society with totally wrong standards. And even worse, by our silence in the face of public pressure from politicians and from organizations with vested interests such as the NRA, we compound this abomination. For all of this has the effect of encouraging us and our children to think that violence is a reasonable and acceptable alternative. So many of our politicians, especially the large numbers who enjoy direct support from these interests, are choosing to close their eyes rather than see the truth and risk loss of the “perks” they enjoy. Is it any surprise that we find ourselves losing the battle to curb violence?

Even our media, by their eagerness and insistence in reporting all the gory details of violent incidents, contribute to the glorification of violence as a means of achieving solution. By their endless reporting of incidents, repeated over and over, they succeed in persuading people, at the subconscious level at least, that such behavior is acceptable, thus making the next action easier to contemplate. Very rarely is an effort made to register the public abhorrence of the behavior and their genuine resentment of the perpetrators. In fact, in the name of “good journalism” they should search out negative sources and give equal exposure; The shameful attempts by some politicians, reporters and members of the NRA to mute the outcry by discrediting the many young survivors of the Parkland massacre and launching personal attacks on their characters is a glaring and insulting example that has as yet not been effectively challenged.

Society, while recognizing that the perpetrator needs help, must not lose sight of it’s responsibility to punish the action, protect the victims and above all, to take the necessary steps to correct the underlying causes. The recent outbreak of violence between the police and some black communities is no different both in the outcome or management. Clearly we can not begin to deal with the problems until some consistent, rational attitudes are adopted. Edward Bond, the well respected English playwright and dramatist, was more direct in placing the blame when he wrote:

“Violence shapes and obsesses our society, and if we do not stop being violent we have no future.”

Tragically we, as individuals and as a society, have yet to learn any lessons from the violent actions around us. We continue to witness horrific examples of grossly abnormal behavior among our young people such as the Columbine and Parkland school killings, the Orlando and Las Vegas massacres, the vicious and brutal attacks on the homeless and the gang-like acts of rape and brutality such as publicly setting a boy on fire for enjoyment. Though occurring in different areas and under different circumstances, these and the thousands of others taking place daily, appear to have one constant ending; the progressive disintegration of society’s responsibilities and lowering standards of behavior. Nathan Kalmoe, an assistant professor of political science at Monmouth College, writing in the Washington Post, pointed to one of the major factors that serve to propagate this dilemma when he noted:

“Political leaders, pundits and citizens regularly demonize opponents and emphasize the righteousness of their own goals.”

Indeed, nothing has contributed to the continued growth and rapid exfoliation of this curse in our society as this single observation.

But violence is not a disease, that can be passed on from person to person and it cannot be treated by simply administering a quick fix. Violence is a reflection of the society and represents the worse aspects of the prevailing attitudes within the society. As I see it today, even in the midst of so much advancement in the quality and opportunity in our lives, our society has become too indifferent, too immune to its responsibility towards maintaining the quality and consistency needed to ensure the right standards. We cannot expect our children to do otherwise when we ourselves abandon our own principles. By our continuing to, directly and indirectly, glorify violence, by ignoring the needs of our children, by abandoning our family responsibilities, by spending more time away from the home, we are in fact reinforcing the worst aspects in ourselves. When we add to this, the scourge of easy accessibility of drugs, reduced controls in the schools, increasing domestic violence and marital breakdowns, and so many other social problems, one should not be surprised that there is an epidemic of violence affecting all of us.

And yet the answers to preventing this escalation of violence can be simple and effective if we take the time to recognize the causes and make the effort to correct them. As a society, we need to reconsider how we glorify violence in all its forms, most especially in the fields of entertainment, sports and video games. We must learn to abandon our silence and forcefully challenge those who are intent to further their own agenda, by the energetic and determined exercise of our legal rights. Equally we must take time to be parents again, to provide quality time to our children, to encourage them away from the present exposure with their many negative contacts, and to provide positive opportunities for growth. To achieve this we need to change drastically from our present direction; something so far, we appear unwilling to do. Professor Gerald Vanderhaar, a retired American-born Professor-emeritus of Religion, and a leading advocate in the American non-violent movement effectively summarized this situation in the following manner:

“We challenge the culture of violence when we ourselves act in the certainty that violence is no longer acceptable, that it’s tired and outdated, no matter if others cling to it in the stubborn belief that it still works and it is still valid.”

Unfortunately so many of us, as individuals and as a society, still do not have the courage or the desire to do what must be done to stem this vicious tide creeping up on us.  We have yet to see and to accept, the real truth of the statement made by the noted American author, Mary McCarthy:

“In violence we forget who we are”

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