SEEKING APPROVAL

“Trying to finding oneself by seeking the approval of

  others means the murder of oneself.”

This dramatic quotation by an Unknown Author, effectively describes a situation that is far more common than it ought to be, and is one that is not easily corrected. Most people rather than trust themselves to use their own judgment and arrive at their own conclusions, prefer to choose instead, to act in a way that meets the approval of others. This formula, although very convenient for group behavior, inevitably leads to negative, uncomfortable, unfulfilling results, and as the quotation suggests, ultimately to destruction of the individual’s ego. The consequences are well known and predictable, as another Unknown Author succinctly observed:

“Seeking approval from others and listening to opinions that don’t resonate with you, is detrimental to happiness.”

Unfortunately, this almost universal tendency of people seeking approval of others for everything they do is neither a recent nor is it an unexpected behavior. In fact human beings have exhibited this innate need for approval for all of their existence on this earth. Its onset is directly related to the need for survival in prehistoric times, when staying together was the only way to ensure safety. Non-acceptance or rejection by the group triggered such an intense fear of risk to life that people became subconsciously conditioned to do whatever necessary to avoid any form of disapproval in order to stay alive. This attitude became deeply embedded in our psyche and has been passed on down from generation to generation. It has continued to dominate human behavior. 

In addition to this development, there is psycho-physical component to be considered. Many studies in human social behavior over the years have shown that the center of response in the brain that reacts to rejection and fear is closely related to the one controlling physical pain, and that they both tend to trigger the same unpleasant responses. This would explain why people will do anything to avoid any of these unpleasant experiences. Because of this relationship, people are naturally wired to look for approval as a way to prevent having to cope with any of them, at any cost. This mind-body relationship has been long recognized but not clearly understood, as the following quotation by an Unknown Observer noted:

“Evolution has programmed us to feel rejection in our guts. This is how the tribe enforced obedience, by wielding the threat of expulsion. Pain and Fear of rejection are not only psychological, they are biological as well.”

 Another factor which contributes to the individual’s subsequent actions of seeking approval is the Quality of Upbringing. From birth, children are brought up with an attitude to seek approval from all adult figures in their life, including the parents, the teachers and others in authority. They quickly learnt this was the best way to secure and maintain attention and be rewarded. Equally they also learnt that the best way to make and keep friends was to seek approval from them. This was the easiest way to ensure acceptance and secure inclusion in the group. Further, in school and at home they were actively taught to act and share together in groups and strongly discouraged from trying to do otherwise. They learned early on, that this was the most effective way to be recognized and to readily fit into the world around them; a world which actively frowns upon those who chose not to do so, or to be different. The result of this is that they develop firmly entrenched belief systems that they must always be responsive to other people’s opinion and feeling, before making any decision or action that might be different. In short, children are encouraged to be followers rather than leaders or originators.

                                                                       

It should be no surprise to any one that people who need and seek approval usually have a low self-esteem and lack confidence in themselves, and in their ability to stand alone. They are often self-critical and are constantly searching for approval before undertaking any task. The underlying basis is not only, as is often suggested, the result of inheritance acquired from centuries of exposure, but in addition there is a strong learned component acquired directly from exposure to influences in the early years. Children brought up with constant criticism and in an over protective setting are more likely to develop a dependent and defensive personality. They tend to spend more time comparing themselves to others, and worrying about any difference. They are prone to make decisions designed more to avoid criticism than to choose the right course to suit their needs. On the other hand, when children are encouraged to be independent and to try everything out, they are more likely to be confident of themselves and to chose their own direction and set their own course. Denis Waitley, the very successful and highly respected American author, inspirational speaker and consultant, emphasized the importance of this aspect when he wrote:

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

The individual who is deprived of this opportunity, who grows up smothered by over protection and fear, will experience a great deal of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in his relationships, and be more eager to search for approval, if only for his own reassurance. This indeed, is probably one of the major reasons for the rampant and increasing incidence of insecurity and neuroticism that exists in the society presently. In this setting, far too frequently, when people are faced with situations caused by others making decisions that do not meet with approval, they will allow them to pass unchallenged for fear of criticism, and then pay a price for doing so. Their lack of confidence and of conviction clearly prevents them from doing otherwise.

Vernon Howard, an American philosopher, author and lecturer, who specialized in the psychology of personal development, drew clear attention to this situation when he wrote:

“A truly strong person does not need the approval of others, any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.”

Seeking approval from others is never a formula for satisfaction and happiness under any circumstances. It only serves to lower your self-esteem, reduce your drive and confidence and help you to build your own private prison with the bars of fear and rejection. It is amazing what people will do to achieve affirmation and acceptance from others. They fool themselves into believing that by doing this, they are in fact helping others, especially if the action is acknowledged or reinforced with praise. It is almost as if a void exists somewhere in the psyche craving praise and acceptance from outside sources because we ourselves cannot do so on our own. To complicate matters, after a short while this approval-seeking need becomes quite addicting and like any other addiction, leads to entirely new habits and actions to justify its continuation. The amazingly unbelievable rise of the Social Networking Phenomenon that has taken place over the last few years is the most glaring example of our addiction to the need to seek approval, even if it involves exposing our lives in every detail.

Yet despite all of this, it is truly gratifying how much can be achieved when one is able to stop living a life of seeking approval from others. When you no longer allow yourself to be defined by others and when you trust yourself to make the right decisions, your world opens in ways that were unimaginable to you. All the successful leaders and innovators of this world grew strong and powerful not by seeking approval, but rather by standing tall on their own principles. Jonathon Lockwood Huie, the great American author and inspirational speaker, and one of the leaders of the self-help movement, spoke directly and clearly to this when he advised:

“Know that you are unique and magnificent.

You do not need the approval of others.”

Steve Jobs, undeniably one of the most successful entrepreneurs, originators, inventors and business magnates the world has ever witnessed, spent all his life pursuing his own dreams while aggressively rejecting approval from friends and enemies alike. He summarized his attitude during the memorable address he made in 2005 during his commencement address to the graduating class at Stamford University in this simple but poignant advice:

“Don’t let the noise of other opinions drown out your own inner voice”

This statement will forever stand as a testament against having to seek approval of any kind.

         It is a matter of urgency that we begin to teach our children that they do not have to seek approval from anyone but themselves and equally, they need not be concerned about others disagreeing. That is natural, healthy and acutely needed, if we entertain any hopes of changing the next generation's dealing with society's attitudes. The earlier they can recognize that the seeking of approval is often an admission of lack of trust and confidence in oneself and one’s ability, and that any respect offered can only be genuine when action chosen is inherently correct. It is the only way to ensure that the decisions taken are essentially one’s own, and to affirm one’s right to seek a happy and purposeful life. It does not exclude the possibility that others may have differing views which must also be respected, but this can take place so much better from a position of strength! The great American author and folklorist, Mark Twain, was extremely convincing when he made the following observation:

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

He was in fact speaking to every one of us who find ourselves needing approval to get by in life!

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