“By not forgiving a person you don’t really hurt
him, you hurt yourself. You build a high wall between yourself and God. This
prevents his good graces from flowing back to you, and you become filled with
such bad feelings that consume all of you, and your relationship with everyone
else around you.”
These words were spoken by my cousin Starr Sabga during a discussion on the evils of not forgiving others. In her simple but direct manner,
she focused correctly on the true effect this action has on us and our life
situation. Like a rotting fruit which, if not replaced destroys everything
around it, so too, not forgiving will
affect everything we do, or think, or believe or hoped for.
It has long been recognized that the action of not
forgiving others for their transgressions against us can induce profound
changes in our ability to relate with others or even with ourselves. We become
angry, suspicious and frustrated and quickly begin to mistrust other people’s
intentions, even accusing them of planning against us. Before long we often end up losing sight of
the original conflict, as we develop an ever widening circle of “enemies” in
our lives. In short we begin to change, becoming in some ways, unhappy people
with different attitudes and different expectations. Jonathan Lockwood Huie, the gifted and prolific American author and
inspirational speaker, expressed this thought in the following simple but
direct manner:
“Forgive others, not
because they deserve forgiveness,
But rather because you
deserve peace.”
.”
Forgiveness is a virtue, and like Love, is among the most popular words appearing in the Holy Bible; and for
that matter, in the holy writings of all the major religious beliefs. There are
more than one hundred references to forgiveness in the Bible. Every one of them
specifically and unequivocally directs us to
forgive our transgressors as we are forgiven for our own wrongdoings. In no
instance are any conditions specified and in all instances we are expected to
willingly and unconditionally forgive others. Without this condition, we cannot
be expected, nor are we able, to receive forgiveness for ourselves from God or
from man. Every one of the major religions of the world have references in
their holy writings on this topic and there are almost identical attitudes expressed by all. The following are examples:
Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive
everyone who sins
against us.
…..The
Holy Bible (Luke 11: 4)
When asked by an offender
for forgiveness,
one should forgive
with a sincere When mind and a willing spirit,
-for forgiveness is natural to
the seed of Israel.
…..Mishneh Torah
He who Forgives, and is reconciled unto his enemy,
shall receive his reward from God.
…..The Holy Koran
In the law of Karma,
we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing
forgiveness,
....Buddhist Teaching
Righteousness is the
one highest good;
Forgiveness is the one
supreme peace;
…..Hindu Teaching
There is absolutely no doubt that for as long as man
has been in existence, his inability or his refusal, to offer or accept
forgiveness, individually or collectively, has been the cause of more
suffering, turmoil and soul destruction than any other single factor in human
relationship. This has been the cause of more animosity and hate among the
peoples and nations of the world and has given rise to more conflicts and wars
than any other factor in human behavior. The history of the world is replete
with examples of unnecessary conflicts and suffering resulting from
unwillingness to forgive or even to understand other people’s actions until
much destruction, pain and suffering has taken place. By far, the greatest tragedy
that has befallen this world is that man has yet to recognize the importance of
seeking understanding and forgiveness in times of conflict, and as a result
continues to commit the same grave mistakes over and over again.
Forgiveness is considered by Psychologists to be one
of the Primary Principles in human
behavior. It is a state of resolution which essentially serves to restore
and maintain a balance in normal human response and behavior. It is a
quality by which a person ceases to feel further resentment against another for
a wrong committed against him. To forgive means to give up the feelings of
antagonism, stop resenting and pardoning someone for an offense committed. That
action, when effectively done, will go a long way to restoring the previous
balance and trust that existed. It is impossible, both psychologically and
physically, to maintain any form of equilibrium when one remains encumbered by
any state of unresolved emotion. It inevitably creates internal forces which
tend to further induce overt alterations in subsequent behavior and leads to further
deterioration in outcomes. In the end, irrespective of whether one feels
justified or not, no one will ever gain, and there inevitably will develop
further destabilization in the lives of all the parties.
But
the act of forgiving another can only truly begin with the forgiving of
oneself. It is impossible to forgive others of any of their transgression, if
we are not able to recognize and deal with our own internal conflicts. People
involved in conflict resolution will invariably attest that before any
resolution can take place, the individuals must be encouraged to undergo their
own self-evaluation and resolve their own conflicts before moving forward. This
is not difficult to understand, since in the great majority of cases, the basic
reason for the conflict itself can quite often result from or is exaggerated by,
the individual’s own innate or preconceived make-up. Far too often, conflicts
arise as a result of misunderstanding or misinterpretation of situations or
actions and the unwillingness for the parties accept or forgive mistakes. This
gives truth to the statement that is so often repeated but rarely noted that:
“It is
not what you intended to do, but what they think you are intending to do, that
creates the difference.”
Most people are not aware that the act of not forgiving is a
disease which inevitably affects the mind and body of all concerned, and that
to forgive is as therapeutic, as it is blessed. The relief that results is very
palpable and very personal. Despite this, many people will not let go, but will
continue to travel on that lonely road. They become prisoners of their own
making, even as it destroys them, internally, and their ability to maintain
good relationships, outwardly. Over and over during my many years of practice I
have witnessed dramatic changes following successful resolution that I am
convinced that this is the rule rather than the exception. I have seen amazing
transformation occurring after a situation is successfully resolved. The aura
of relief and joy is palpable to all and the sense of peace and happiness is
overwhelming, as understanding and trust returns with both parties. The impact
is so powerful at times that I am convinced that even the heavens celebrate
these moments. Lewis B. Smedes, the
renowned American author and theologian, in a brief and poignant note
eloquently described the true effect to the forgiver, when he successfully forgives:
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and
discover the prisoner was you”.
Doing
this however is never as easy as we may think. In fact, it is a lot easier to
remain in the negative state of choosing to withhold forgiveness while instead,
laying blame on the other person or on circumstance. To face up to this reality
is, at minimum, very demanding on our psyche. That we may indeed be responsible, if only in
part, triggers a deep-seated, fundamental resistance to admitting our own
weakness. This forces us to hold on to resentment and hurt, and to reinforce
our subconscious determination against change. For any change means admission of
personal responsibility, something most people are reluctant to do. It takes a
strong person to willingly forgive and move on. Anyone else will spend so much
time wallowing in self-pity and resentment that they end up losing sight of
their own reasons for being sorry for themselves. This I believe is what the
great Indian guru, Mahatma Gandhi
meant when he observed:
“The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.”
But to me, perhaps the best advice anyone
could pass on to those people suffering from the pains of “Not Able to Forgive” are the
words in the Holy Bible, contained in Ephesians 4:31-32:
< >
Easy to say but hard to do .......... requires prayer.
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