“We always find the faults in others.
And easily
forget our own faults.”
This ancient Swedish
proverb speaks to the well-established tendency of the majority of mankind
to constantly look for any faults they can find in others, while doing
everything they can to avoid looking at themselves. Most people can identify, without
any difficulty, a significant number of their friends and relations who, in spite
of all the good, kind and meaningful help they received, will still focus of
finding fault in others and will even try to use it against them. As the proverb
wisely indicates, these people feel compelled to do so, mainly because they would
prefer to avoid learning about their own weaknesses and deficiencies.
Unfortunately, we all live
in a world where trying to find fault in others seems to be the favorite ‘blood
sport’, and that in many ways, we seem to enjoy doing it. Human beings in general
have become conditioned to react in this way instinctively, because of a deeply
embedded defense mechanism developed over centuries. The first encounter with
another person is often associated with an unconscious instinct to look for any
faults or imperfections, and this seems to have become an established ritual. Following
any encounter with an unknown individual, survival is clearly far better
assured by using an element of suspicion and an urge to search for, and
identify possible weaknesses and imperfections. Many argue that this tendency may
have been an inherited trait developed during evolution, as a way to ensure and
improve survival of the species. Without question, finding a flaw early will serve the person
well by boosting the ego, and encouraging a more confident and successful encounter.
The psychology of finding
fault in others is not difficult to understand since for the great majority of
humans, this action does in fact play a significantly important supportive role.
As explained by Freud, the dynamics of the interaction is a direct result of the natural
interplay between the Id and the Ego. The ego’s primary role is
to protect the individual from the instinctive, impulsive urges of the id, by
developing and using a variety of defense mechanisms. Finding faults in
everything is one of these mechanisms which is actually meant to protect the
ego from being compromised. Under normal circumstances, this arrangement
functions well, since it allows for balanced responses, provides a level of
protection from surprises, and reduces the risk of embarrassment. In conditions
of uncertainty however, where there is loss of control, the ego will not function
correctly and this may result in serious consequences. These may present as constant
feelings of suspicion and fear of everyone, and everything, so often seen in neurotic
behavior or even to the gross disregard of the needs and feelings of others commonly seen
in narcissistic behavior.
But constantly finding fault is a behavior that is universally recognized and frowned upon by all societies. In fact, this action has been rejected in one way or another, for as far back as there has been records available. In addition, all the major religions, both current and in the past, have strongly condemned the practice, and have warned against its use in any way:
Christians believe that finding fault in others will serve to distort our perception, not only by making us appear better and more superior, but also by distracting us from seeing our own sins and preventing us from correcting them. This will only lead to altered spirituality and loss of our Christian faith. The Holy Bible in Matthew 7:3 was very clear in relaying the word of Jesus Christ angrily criticizing the gathered people:
“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye,
But ignore the plank in your eye.”
Moslems place great emphasis on avoiding such actions as a poisonous element in society that can sow animosity and cause public humiliation and embarrassment. They in fact are more specific in trying to correct the behavior by setting aside time each day to evaluate their actions and improve their weaknesses; following the direction laid down by the Prophet Mohammed:
“Happy are those who find fault with themselves, instead of finding fault with others.”
Hindus equally frown on this behavior of finding fault on one’s neighbors and this is clearly depicted in their revered “3 monkeys”; who hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil.
Buddhists consider
finding fault as one of the 5 major hindrances that will compromise any
progress needed to arriving at nirvana, and will seriously interfere with meditation.
They urge the practice of finding fault must therefore be avoided at all cost.
The urge that drives us to
find fault in others, is based on the fundamental human failing of constantly reflecting
any blame for our own shortcomings and our inability to accept failure away
from us. It is far easier to search for faults in others than to turn the
finger inward and blame ourselves. And also, by blaming others, we are in fact
giving ourselves permission to excuse our own actions. Clearly, by choosing to respond
in a more defensive way, we subconsciously give ourselves reason to search for
and find any positive, redeeming factors in ourselves, and as a result further justify a more judgmental and less
positive attitude toward the other person. Samuel Richardson, the 18th
century English author, speaking from his own personal experiences, described this
perfectly when he observed:
“It is much easier to find fault in others, than to be faultless ourselves.”
Our need to find fault in
another person’s behavior may also come from a far more subtle perspective. It
may arise from our desire
to always do the right thing, even if this action may cause more hurt. In
so doing, we are not concerned about the fact that our actions actually favor the
wrong-doer, and victimizes the victims. This tendency, often referred to as a
‘just-world phenomenon’ generally arises from a deeply rooted drive to do
the right thing at all cost, irrespective of any damage it may cause. These
people who usually, but not always, have rigid and unyielding personalities,
are far more concerned with insisting on being just and correct, rather than on
trying to be more understanding of the situation. By choosing to adopt this
role of finding fault in others, we are in fact, affirming that we are correct,
and that everyone else is at fault. This will serve to allow us to respond with
righteous indignation, while successfully hiding our own faults.
Unfortunately, the price that is often paid by the person who habitually sets out to find fault in other people can be formidable, unrelenting, and destructive. Although initially it may provide a boost to the ego and reinforce the sense of superiority, but these do not last. In the face of the resulting disappointments and disillusion from the others, relationships are destroyed, trust compromised and acceptance lost, leading to suspicion and avoidance. But even more, in their determined desire to justify themselves, they lose any goodwill for them from others. They justify these actions with finding reasons to bury their own concerns and ignore their insecurities. This I believe is what the Indian born, internationally recognized Hindu spiritual leader and humanitarian Mata Amritanadamayi, clearly meant when she declared:
“Finding fault in others, just for the sake of finding fault,
will pollute our minds.”
But it
would be wrong to assume that these people are all driven to find fault out of
a genuine desire to do harm. Although some of them may well do so with malicious
intent, the great majority are driven to do so as a result of their deeply embedded
insecurities, fears, inadequacies, low self-esteem and negativity. Some of these may be inherited as personality traits, but the majority are learnt in childhood
as a result of bad parental and environmental influences. For this reason,
they are quite often unaware of the damage they do to themselves, and to
others, and even much more, do not possess the insight needed for them to take corrective action. They end up spending their lives living in negativity, bitterness
and resentment, often isolated, and not able to understand the reasons or try
to correct themselves.
The
fundamental difference between those people who succeed in rising up from the self-imposed
prison of finding fault in others, and instead, sharing the world together, and
those who spend their lives searching for reasons to blame others for their problems
is always to be found in the person himself. Henry Ford, one of America’s
greatest industrialists, and founder of the Ford Motor Company offered
the solution in a simple but dramatic manner when he advised:
“Don’t find
fault, find a remedy.”
- Unfortunately, far too many of us are so burdened with this deeply embedded subconscious mechanism for avoiding accountability, that we spend all our lives living our faults, and not the remedies.
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