DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - Understanding Death and Dying

 

“It takes the whole of life to learn how to live. And what will make you wonder more; it takes the whole of life to learn how to die.”

         This beautifully insightful statement is contained in Letter IV- “On death and tranquility” published by the great ancient Roman essayist, playwright and Stoic philosopher Seneca. He dwelt extensively on the subject of death and dying in his writings, and urged constant preparation throughout one’s lifetime. Ironically, he ultimately needed this preparation himself as he suffered at the hands of Emperor Nero, whom he had been tutoring for many years. He saw learning about death and dying as a preparation for life, believing that while one should love life and all its exciting opportunities, we cannot forget that life will only has a meaning because we know we will die. He concluded by offering this noble advise:

 “let us prepare our minds as if we come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing, and let us balance life’s book each day; the one who puts the finishing touch on their life each day is never short of time.”

          For as long as man as been aware of his eventual death, he has sought to understand it. Philosophers and a wide range of other scientists have devoted great effort and time in the study of death and dying, and except for a few facts on the process involved, have not uncovered any concrete evidence that could truly persuade anyone trying to understand death itself. This should not come as a surprise, for no one has ever ventured into, and has come back after death to provide any explanation for what really does happen. And even those few people, including myself, who have reported having briefly ‘crossed the border’ and then ‘returned back’ to living, have not provided any definitive information, just transient experiences.

 This clearly implies that currently, all our thinking and expectations are based less on direct, scientific knowledge, and more on speculation and on anticipation. Therefore, without any meaningful example available to follow, we actually have no way of demonstrating or explaining death on a factual basis except to say that it is always present at the end of life. And until such time arrives when concrete information becomes available to us, we are left with no alternative but either to believe our great philosophers like Seneca or a multitude of others, or to continue to view any concept of death from a metaphorical basis. The only thing we absolutely know for certain is that death always follows living.

 The Nihilists among us who believe that there is nothing beyond life itself, are satisfied with the explanation that death is nothing but the end of life. Therefore, for them death holds no further meaning, and serves no other use or purpose. In effect, since they view death as the absence of life, they see no reason to give further consideration, or to view it as a special event that requires thought or preparation. To them the death of the human being, like every other living unit, is just part of the cycle of nature and should never be considered to be, or understood as anything other than the end of living. They are content with the idea that life is the result of sophisticated chemical reactions which upon death return to the original elements. To all of them, life begins and ends in nature. This assumption completely rejects any implication or consideration that some form of continuity may possibly exist beyond death, and they insist on making full and complete use of the time allotted on earth, without having to give thought or concern to any possible benefits, or consequences that may follow.

 But for those who prefer to view death not as the end, but as a portal leading to another life, or a door that opens into a different world, then there is need to find meaning, and to truly understand the real purpose of living and dying. By rejecting the concept that views death as the end of the road, they are will clearly implying that we must accept death as a part of the journey that may have begun sometime previously and is as yet unfinished. And for the many who continue to choose to ignore or to avoid any thinking or considering of death and its constant presence, they will not only cheat themselves of the only opportunity of fully understanding life itself, but even worse, risk losing direction and opportunities to help them make better use of this life.

Since we have no mechanism or method to help us to know and understand death any better, each individual has no alternative but to seek and find his direction and, just as important, his framework that will provide the best results for the journey he is on. Unfortunately, except for a few “enlightened” individuals, the great majority of us are going to find that trying to understand and deal with death is a formidable undertaking.  Much of this can be blamed on our deeply embedded instinctive fear of death, and the consequences of not knowing what really happens. Indeed, this is probably one of our greatest omissions, and has cost us all to pay the ultimate price of fear and uncertainty.

Few people ever truly look forward to dying even when there is some compelling reason to force the end of living. And even for those who have acquired some understanding, accepting death can be, at best, a daunting challenge to contemplate. Instead, we prefer to live our life in such a way as to try to ignore the obvious, and even question why we had to die at all. We give lip service to the ultimate power of the Almighty by saying “thy will be done,” but then openly question, -Why me? -Why so soon? Very few ever accept the advice so carefully offered by great minds like Seneca, that preparing for death is an integral part of the journey of life, and that irrespective of whether the person has lived a ‘full’ life or dies ‘too young’ to have lived any life, we must try to understand, even as we grieve and regret the loss.

Throughout the ages, as far back as recorded history is available, the question of understanding death and dying has been by far, the most studied and most reported. Some of the world’s greatest philosophers who have spent their lives pondering the mysteries life and death, seem to have arrived at an almost unanimous agreement that death was indeed not just the end of living, but a merely a change in the form of living. Each in his own way was satisfied that there can be no meaning to life if it was meant to be extinguished like a candle after use. The explanations and the projected mechanics might have been grossly different, but there was uniformity in the conclusions, as can be judge from the following examples:

- Lao Tzu the formidable ancient Chinese philosopher, who several thousands of years ago in the 6^th century BC, concluded that “death need not be feared for it was but a transformation from one state to another.” He is reported to have celebrated the death of his wife because she had now entered a new life.

-Many of the leading ancient Greek and Roman philosophers including Seneca, Plato, Socrates and Epicurus, all viewed death without fear, but in hopeful equanimity. To them, the true aim in this life was to live the best they can in order to minimize judgment in the next world. They too, agreed that it was not death itself, but the fear of dying that was the cause of so much concern.

- Immanuel Kant, the great German 18^th century philosopher, who many consider to be the father of modern philosophy, believed that the presence of fear was the main stumbling block in the understanding of death and dying, and that there must be an afterlife that favors the good and punishes the bad.

-Frederick Nietzsche, the 19^th century German existentialist, who wrote extensively on death in this towering publication, “Thus spoke Zarathustra.” His view was that since we tend to live the same life over and over, then it behooves us to live a good life, and not be condemned to a life of misery.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the English physician whose work in the care of the dying patient is ground-breaking, viewed the dying process as going through predictable stages, and the role of others in supporting the patient.

-Even William Shakespeare, the great English Elizabethan playwright and poet, wrote extensively on death, in a lesser-known work, Measure to Measure. In it, he spoke of the uncertainty of death and our inability to ever know what lies on the other side. He stated

“Ay but to die, and go we know not where!”

     The following short exchange between ‘life’ and ‘death’, explains the reason why so many people are afraid to look into the eyes of death, and find peace:

 Life asked death: “Why do people love me and hate you?”

Death responded: “Because you are a beautiful lie, and I

                          am the painful truth.”

 Perhaps the truth is not so much different, it is probably somewhere in the middle. Ignoring death will instill in us will a false sense security and encourage us to lose ourselves in a state of pseudo-invincibility. And on the other hand, irrational obsession of the urgency of impending death, will serve to rob us of so much joy in our living and actually lead us away from healthy life. In truth, coming to terms with your death involves first, assessing your current life, including your responsibilities and your values, and taking all reasonable steps to secure them. In the end it never pays to ruminate on the emotional circumstances of actually dying, but rather on preparing yourself to begin your journey to the new destination.

          My own moment of awareness occurred shortly after I recovered from an episode of near fatal cardiac arrest. During those early days following this experience, it was abundantly clear, from my own clinical assessment, that there were major obstacles preventing recovery and that the chances of dying soon were very high. Interestingly, I did not have any problem accepting this fate and at no time was there any regret or fear in my thinking. Instead, I spent the time thinking about making sure that my wife and family were fully secured. I even called in my cousin to review my estate and to remind him of his promised responsibility.

          Interestingly, I understood then, that dying itself is never the real concern, nor does it give rise to any of the fears and anxieties that we worry so much about. The main source of my concern was not so much having to leave the world of the living, but more especially of leaving when there are still things to do. I think, presently, I have made my peace with the thought of dying. Perhaps, I may be getting there sooner than I might want, but I think I am less afraid of dying than I am of dying with having done so little of what I might have done, or what I might have wanted to do.

 -Only time, and Almighty God can tell!

 

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

On Being a Leader

 “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader.”

         This dynamic statement on the nature of leadership, originally assigned to President John Quincy Adams, a well-respected American statesman, lawyer and abolitionist, who served as the 6^th President of the United States from 1825 – 1829, was actually delivered by the very successful country singer and entrepreneur, Dolly Parton. It was contained in her commencement address at the University of Tennessee, in 2009. In stating this, she was in fact reminding her audience that the good leader is the one who sets the stage to encourage others to achieve more than they considered possible, by example and not by command. Starting from very humble beginnings, she has become one of the richest country singers, an outstanding business leader, and an exemplary philanthropist.

          In today’s world, far too many leaders labor under the gross fallacy that good leadership requires the demonstration of power and control rather than taking into account their responsibility to those they lead, and being able to get the best service from them. They issue decries and orders without getting the subordinates to really understand the reasons for them. They are quick to threaten them with loss of opportunity, without first trying to understand the underlying factors causing their lack of success. They tend to focus only on those ideas that support their own perspectives, and disregard any differing opinions. They will reject any kind of open discussions, believing that they know best. They are obsessed with getting the result that embellishes their own status, rather than seeking results that all can share. Gary Mottersheld, a very successful American industrialist and innovator, explained the outcome of this attitude in the following manner:

 “A bad leader can take a good staff and destroy it, causing the best employees to leave, and the remainder to lose all motivation.”

          Many people truly believe that good leaders are born with the capacity to be a leader, and very rarely can they ever be made by just teaching and learning. Some will go further by leading us to believe that leadership can only be passed on from father to child, and explain this by referring to the many instances of the child successfully taking over from the father. While there are in fact some inherited qualities and characteristics that that may inherently make it easier to be a leader, yet in general, good leaders essentially must learn to become so. But this will only be possible if there is a desire and urge to learn and a willingness to do so. For the hallmark of a good leader rests entirely on his ability to acquire and use a number of essential skills, without which it will be an exercise of incompetence. It is these skills that actually make a good leader, and unless he has thorough access to using them, he will never amount to anything, except by use of power and control, as so many are doing. John Maxwell, the world-renowned American leadership expert, very wisely observed:

 Leaders become great, not because of their power, but because of their ability to empower others.”

          Shiv Khera, the internationally recognized Indian author and motivational speaker, in discussing the attributes of a good leader, noted:

“Good leaders actively guide, and bad leaders actively misguide. Hence leadership is all about persuasion, presentation and people skills.”

 In this very brief statement, he was able to identify the three most important qualities of a good leader. He must be able to achieve the very best from his subordinates by first persuading them to give their best, teaching them how to do so, and above all, helping them to find and make full use of their optimum skills. To be truly effective, he must tailor all his skills to trying to facilitate their interest in these categories in such a way as to obtain their attention and cooperation.

          Among the many traits and skills that successful leaders are able to exhibit in getting the best they can from their subordinates, the following stand out as being essential and most effective:

 Ego-strength: Confidence in one’s ability to lead is essential in obtaining the respect and attention of others. Unless he is able to project an aura strength, he is unlikely to earn the trust needed to carry out the work required. And even in those situations where he himself might feel insecure and uncertain, he must be careful to exhibit continued confidence, and never project an image of uncertainty.

Empathy: Of equal importance in obtaining the respect and trust needed is the fact that a good leader never stands aloof and separated from his staff. He must be willing at all times to listen, understand and try to put himself in the situation to secure the confidence of his subordinates. In doing so, he is not only able to secure their trust, but might uncover any concerns they may have.

Resilience: A good leader must be willing to listen to complaints and criticisms without personalizing them or rejecting them, but rather objectively examining them, before coming to any conclusions. Quite often such criticisms can lead to learning something better and useful.

Assertiveness: The ability to stand up for his principles against all challenges, to resist objections and threats is paramount for a good leader. Unless he willing to do so he runs the risk not only losing confidence, but the respect and trust of his subordinates.

Integrity: By far the most dangerous of leaders are ones who lack integrity. Among the worst of them are the ones who show favoritism, who encourage spying and trouble shooting or who encourage one group against another. This is a formula for disaster, and quickly lead to turmoil, conflict and failure.

          But, contrary to the general attitude that good leaders always stand out in any crowd, and can be easily recognized by the way they carry themselves, the fact is, that a large percentage of excellent leaders actually walk among us without ever having to broadcast the fact. They can be, and are just ordinary people and behave like the rest of the crowd, doing the same things that all of us do on a daily basis. In fact, many aren’t even aware of their own leadership and become genuinely surprised when compliments are handed to them.   But, that notwithstanding, the fact is that good leaders always stand out, not for anyway they might look, but always by the results they achieve and by the benevolent responses of the subordinates. This indeed is the foundation of a good leader, as Tony Dungy, a very successful football coach so wisely noted:

 “The secret to success is good leadership, and good leadership is all about making the lives of his team members, or workers, better “

         To effectively carry out his responsibility, a good leader must not only have a clear and coherent plan, but must be able to communicate his ideas and expectations in a clear and understandable manner. He must have also, a plan or strategy to help direct the group in the right direction, to bring focus and discipline among his subordinates, and above all, to establish a level of respect and trust among them. He can only achieve this if he is able to explain his vision in clear and precise terms that all can understand and assimilate. Above all, he must always be willing to invite discussions and criticisms using whatever means that work. And in so doing, gain the respect and trust he needs. His ultimate aim is to instill confidence, to inspire and to motivate them to give their best to the task ahead. John C. Maxwell, an internationally recognized American author and leadership speaker, whose books have been sold more than 20 million, offered the clearest and simplest description of an effective leader when he said:

“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”

 -This then is the true meaning of a good leader. It is not about power or glory or recognition. It’s about knowing himself, and knowing about those who work for him, and about the relationship he is must be able to develop between him and them.

 

 

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

 The Wonderful Power of Generosity

 “If you knew what I know about the power of giving, you will not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way.”

          This powerful statement by His Holiness Gautama Buddha made almost 3000 years ago, formed one of three foundation pillars on which he built the Buddhist empire. He described the three fundamental practices as Dana (generosity), Sila (morality), and Bhavana (meditation) as the only way one can arrive at the exalted state of Nirvana. He himself, who was born as a chosen prince in the kingdom, abandoned his wealth, privileges and power to pursue a spiritual life of poverty, free of the trappings of power and wealth.

          To the true Buddhist, the practice of giving meant much more than just sharing or helping. Of greater importance is the fact that it must always be accompanied by deeply embedded good intentions and a state of mind to do only good, without any form of personal gain. Buddha himself, described the act of giving something, however valuable, as if it is thrown away without any expectation of retrieving it. He further insisted that every gift must be accompanied with a purity of intention toward the recipient, must always be earned with honest action, and free of ulterior motives. He promised that the reward to the giver can be immeasurable, and explained:

 “Generosity brings happiness at every stage of expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something, and we experience joy in remembering that we have given.”

         Human beings generally can be conveniently separated 3 groups:

The Givers, those who are willing and eager to extend themselves, without expecting any acknowledgment, credit or compensation, because they are driven to do.

The Takers, those who a driven by an inner sense of entitlement, who always think of themselves first, try to push themselves first and show little regard for the needs and hopes of anyone else.

The Matchers, those who are prepared to share themselves only to an extent, and only if the others are willing to equally share with them. They form the largest group and made up of most of us, who are content to get as much as need to satisfy us, without having to be concerned with anyone else.

Because of their willingness to extend themselves in the service of others, even if it meant sacrificing their own opportunities, or to blindly trust in the goodness of others, the givers render themselves open to exploitation and tend to end up at the bottom of the success ladder. While others may take steps to correct this discrepancy, the need for success does not faze them, since their aim is focused on helping the more vulnerable. John Bevere, the well-respected international Christian minister, in explaining this, noted:

 “If we don’t risk getting hurt, we cannot give unconditional love, Unconditional love gives others the right to hurt us.”

          Generosity is a critical component of who we are. When we choose to be generous, we are recognizing the interconnection and interdependence we have on each other, and it sets in motion a cycle of love, gratitude, and more giving from others. Like the proverbial butterfly whose flapping wings can be felt far from the origin, so too, an act of generosity will encourage increasing numbers to follow suit.

 The story is told about a young autistic man who felt so disconnected and unable to relate to anyone else, that he chose to stay alone. While wandering in the local park one morning, he was so impressed by a new pair of sneakers worn by a man not much older than him, sitting on a bench, that he quietly commented, as he walked past, that he wished he could own his own pair. Whereupon the man removed the shoes and handed them to him saying ‘you can have them. I have other ones to wear’. The autistic man was so overwhelmed by this gesture, that he began to get more involved, and spent the rest of the time giving gifts to others whenever the opportunity arose.

Confirming again, what Buddha had said several millennia ago:

 “Thousands of candles can be lighted from one single candle.”

          Generosity is regarded as a virtue by all the major religions and celebrated in ceremonies as a gift from the almighty. The Holy Bible, contains many references to generosity as a hallmark of all the great prophets and men of destiny, beginning with Jesus Christ himself, who preached continuously of its singular importance in the lives of every good Christian. Indeed, there can be no greater destiny than a deep sense of generosity. In Judaism, generosity (Tzedakah), is the sacred duty of every good practicing Jew, and considered to be an obligation. Islam encourages the practice of generosity (Zahat), and considers it to be one of the pillars of Islam. And as previously indicated, the Buddhists view generosity as the very foundation of achieving nirvana. The Dalai Lama spoke for all the religions when he described generosity as:                            

“The most natural outward expression of an inner attitude of compassion and loving kindness.”

          But generosity must never be viewed as a one-way street of simply giving to others, for unless it is accompanied with an inner sense of fulfillment, there can be no joy or satisfaction. And unless we are able to treat ourselves with kindness, irrespective of the outcome, we will not be doing justice to ourselves. In fact, repeated studies have shown that that those who are truly inclined to behaving generous are motivated by a deeply embedded urge to do so, and each time they act, or consider acting, they tend to release generous levels of Oxytocin thus increasing further, their sense of empathy. Psychologically, generosity tends to open us to curiosity and creativity not only for the needs of others, but also to embracing ourselves and our sense fulfillment. It awakens an intrinsic desire to give as much as we can, as our way of showing love and support of our fellow human beings. This is why even though the giver is not often remembered for all his exploits, yet people never forget how he made them feel. This is precisely what the incomparable Miami-based, African-American poet and successful author Maya Angelou meant to convey when she wrote:

 “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”      

          Without doubt, Generosity’s greatest quality emerges from the fundamental gesture of letting go. When executed effectively, the act of releasing requires that we accept the fact that we are handing over to someone something that belongs to us, and is part of us. Giving and letting go tend to function hand-in-hand, they both help serve to get us open to see the suffering and the need in others, less fortunate than us, and kindle in us, the urge to help. It is much more that charity which implies helping, it gets us out of our narrow boundaries we all construct, and insist that we look beyond ourselves and our urge to satisfy our personal desires and our needs. It teaches us how to see, feel and grow beyond our own boundaries, to recognize our kinship to others, and to value their happiness and their well-being, and to place them as we do, ourselves. As Dr. Deepak Chopra, the very successful, Indian born American physician and inspirational guru, so wisely suggested:

 “In the process of letting go, you will lose many things

from the past, but you will find yourself.”

-This indeed, is the truly wonderful joy of Generosity. It has nothing to do with the acquisition of fame, fortune or popularity. But it has everything to do about finding yourself; who you truly are, what are your real needs in this life, and above all else, it allows you to show, like Jesus Christ had shown, that you truly care for those who are in need.

 

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