DAILY SLICES OF LIFE

 Being Yourself

 “I am not what has happened to me.

I am what I choose to become.”

         This profound observation on human behavior was made by the great 19^th century Swiss physician and psychiatrist, Carl Gustav Jung. He is universally recognized to be one of the founders of the school of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy, and his work continues to gain acceptance, worldwide.  

          In saying this, he was lamenting the fact that most human beings spend their whole life equating their self-worth on the basis of either their past experiences, or other people’s assessment of them. Because of this, instead of trying to focus on their true image, they become far more concerned about trying to satisfy their perceived image, or that which others have of them. As a result, they tend to waste their lives reacting to the demands of their environment, rather than proactively fulfilling their own needs and desires. Jung insisted that this is not what we were meant to be, but that we became like this as a result of consciously and unconsciously suppressing our egos in the hope of achieving acceptance and conformity. Indeed, we are, as he so clearly defined it, who we choose to become! He stressed the importance of recognizing that although whatever happens to us is never a choice, but how we choose to respond is always our choice. So that the ultimate quality of the life we lead is directly dependent on the choices we make. He concluded with this advice:

 “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

          The story is told of a young student who travelled high into the Himalayan Mountain to meet his guru to learn how he could become like him. But on meeting him, to his surprise, the guru’s message was the very opposite of what he expected. His message was: 

“Be yourself, with passion and intensity.”

This reply was initially a disappointment to him, but he quickly recognized the profound wisdom in the words. To begin with, our psyche is so configured that we can only be happy when we satisfy our deepest instincts. And we can only do this when we are free to do as we choose, to live by our own terms, and not be either affected or influenced by external forces. This is precisely what the great English poet and playwright William Shakespeare clearly intended to convey when he recorded this advice in his masterpiece, Hamlet:

“Above all: to thine own self be true,

And it follows, as the night the day,

Thou canst be false to any man.”

         But to be yourself in a world such as ours, where we are constantly bombarded by ideas and attitudes that try to get us to conform and to fit in, is a formidable task. Society itself is founded on, and can only survive, if all its members adhere to a prescribed pattern of behavior. We are told, in so many ways, by word or by example, that it is better to try to conform, because if we dared to be different, we run the risk of being rejected. It is not surprising therefore that so many of us find it easier to suppress any urge for being different, and instead, try to fit in with the rest; to mold ourselves and be like everyone else. Indeed, this is what Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of America’s greatest essayists, poets and thinkers, was trying to portray when he observed:

 “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

         Yet despite admonitions such as this one, most of us continue to be content to live pretending that we can get by without being able to fully satisfy our needs. We seem to find it is a lot easier to convince ourselves to accept what we are given, than to have to insist for what is right. To a large extent, people have arrived at this position by convincing themselves that they were happier just by being spared the stress and the uncertainty that comes from questioning their status quo. This thinking comes easily since from very early in their lives, children are taught to think, look and behave in certain ways, and any attempt to be different is frowned upon. Psychologically, it actually satisfies the fundamental human tendency of assuring security, by maintaining good connections and social relationships with others like themselves. In fact, the urge to develop close relationships with others is firmly embedded in our core values, and as a result, all, but relatively few committed and determined people, choose to accept compromise, rather than risk the chance of being left isolated and ignored.

          You cannot hope to be yourself without first understanding who you are, and who you want to be. But since human beings, by nature, are more comfortable choosing group support and dependence, and equally disinclined to pursue self-direction, this can be difficult to do. The former works well for protecting the group from the common enemy, but unfortunately it discourages the members from being and knowing themselves as individuals. Since, to do so, requires first that the person must love, and be confident of himself, and not be afraid to stand alone, nor to be different. The end result is that, to be accepted in the society and to gain recognition, we are forced into pretending that we are someone else, rather than risk criticism for being true to ourself. This tendency has served to create disharmony and conflict, and further discouraged people from trying to be themselves.

          To be yourself however, is neither automatic, nor is it an entitlement. This will never occur without first knowing who you are, understanding your needs, and accepting your capabilities. It means avoiding the urge to compare yourself with others and at the same time, identify your own needs. It means, not just copying other people’s successes, but having the courage to search for your own, irrespective of the failures that may occur. It means making the time and the effort to identify the core values within you, and their impact on your own behavior, as well as on others. It means being aware of the past experiences and consciously dealing with them so that they do not influence your future decisions. And above all, it means setting your own direction and your own goals, without being afraid of other people’s rejections.

          But to be yourself carries certain risks which, in the hands of the unprepared, can become quite threatening and disconcerting. This is particularly the case in situations which demand going against the grain of the consensus. Many people are just not able to do so, and end up either capitulating, or being totally ignored. The fact is, that each person is unique and not like anyone else, and as such we each are meant to serve a role which only we can fulfill. To try to suppress this for whatever reason. This is in fact, what the great American author, Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), the legendary American author and humorist who insisted on being himself at all times, was clear when he declared:

 “Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

-This indeed, is the real reason for always insisting in being yourself. No one can, nor is he able, to replace you, nor can you replace him, however you tried.

 

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