LIFE WITH NEIGHBORS

“Far better a Neighbor near you,

than a brother who is far off.”

I was recently reminded by my brother-in-law of this quotation contained in Proverbs 27:10, during a discussion on the subject of good relationships with neighbors. He was lamenting the fact that unlike past times, there was a growing tendency to stay away from our neighbors in the name of increased privacy and of avoiding giving the impression of being inquisitive. He added that in years gone by, a good neighbor was considered to be a blessing that deserved respect and honor.  Further, he reminded me that the definition of neighbor should extend not only to the person next door but should include residents of up to 40 houses in all directions. In effect, this really includes the whole neighborhood. 

                 By definition, a neighbor is someone who lives in close proximity to you and with whom you share common boundary. But in truth this is a relative term which depends on a number of variables relating to whether you are a city dweller, an urban dweller or a rural dweller. It should not necessarily be restricted to the immediate contact but to any one with whom a relationship is developed. A good neighbor is one who is friendly, caring and considerate, who respects your space and privacy, but who is always ready and willing to extend support and help whenever it is needed. He is one who takes time to reach out and connect, to talk and smile, to look out for the welfare of your children and your property and above all, do nothing to initiate or encourage any ill-will. In fact a good neighbor is the most essential requisite for a successful community. No community will ever survive without the help and support of good neighbors.

                 In my own experience, during my many years of living in various countries and different cultures, I have been blessed on all but one occasion, with good neighbors with whom I have shared many rewarding relationships. We have shared happiness and sorrows, success and failures, good news and bad news, all the while respecting each one of our need for privacy and discretion. Indeed I feel very comfortable in saying that to me, a good neighbor is as important as any member of my family and deserves as much respect.

However, there was only one occasion when I had the great misfortune of living next to a neighbor who chose to exercise his right to complete privacy and isolation. The environment was at best regrettable, and it gave us feelings uneasiness and disappointment. In my mind, it certainly confirmed the statement “better an enemy than a bad neighbor”. For with an enemy, you are always prepared to protect yourself, but with such a neighbor, I, very unfortunately, found myself with a sense of ambivalence and uncertainty that continued until he departed.

                 But neighbors are not only individuals who share adjoining spaces. They are also communities and countries sharing common boundaries. As in the case of individual neighbors, they also are bound by the same rules of mutual respect and responsibility which when applied, leads to mutual peace and prosperity for all. Unfortunately this is certainly not the case in so many situations where suspicion abounds and respect lacking. The world itself is in a state of such intense turmoil and conflict for reasons based more on disrespect of good rules of neighbors, and selfish desires to conquer and control than any legitimate excuses. This has resulted in the infliction of such unimaginable pain and suffering on so many defenseless people, whose only need is to live together in peace and safety.

 We need only to examine any of the conflicts which have caused, and continue to cause, such severe economic and  personal suffering, to really see that the root causes of these are the product of a few, misguided, misinformed and biased individuals who, like bad neighbors, are willing to cause untold conflict and misery, to satisfy their own agenda. The classic among these is the long running conflict between the Arabs of Palestine and the Jews of Israel. They share the lands, the waters and food supply but are kept apart by lack of respect, religious and political fears.

                 All these people, whether they are your next door neighbor, or the government of a country waging war against a neighboring country, or the leader of a religious group condemning another religious group or any other similar conflict, invariably justify their actions by invoking the name of the Almighty, whom they insist is on their side. What a crying shame that they do so, for were they genuinely concerned with the wishes of the Almighty God, they will no doubt be aware of his own words when his son, Jesus advised us, in Luke Chapter 10, Verse 27, to:

“Love your neighbor as your self.”

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ACCEPTING TOLERANCE

“Human diversity makes tolerance more than a virtue; It makes it a requirement for survival.”

These thought-provoking words were contained in an enlightened essay entitled “The Dangers of Tolerance” in 1974, by Dr. Rene J. Dubos, Ph.D. He was an internationally respected French-born, American microbiologist who devoted his later life to the study of, and writing on the environment and human behavior. He was the author of at least 20 books on various subjects, winning the Pulitzer Prize in 1969. In his paper he raised the issue of the necessity of developing tolerance toward other people whose thoughts and actions were not acceptable to him. He felt that despite the obvious paradoxical nature of tolerance, it was an essential factor in avoiding unnecessary conflict among individuals and communities, and even more, in their survival.

Tolerance begins essentially with the acceptance of diversity and the application of the principle of live and let live. It is the ability to adopt a fair and objective attitude toward other people whose opinions, thoughts and actions differ from one’s own. In some ways it can be seen as a variation of the Golden Rule, insofar as by accepting others with respect, we expect to be treated similarly. It does not necessarily mean either agreeing with the person, or being indifferent or aloof to them, but rather, of showing respect for the person’s humanity and for his right as a person to differ.

 It is a virtue well worth cultivating, since its presence is critically needed to securing harmony and reducing tension between different individuals and groups. There are countless examples where tolerance alone, when successfully implemented, has gone a long way to helping people and communities cope with what appeared to be intractable conflicts and brought peace and understanding to many situations that might easily have gone wrong. When it is used successfully in matters of conflict, it ensures that people are able to have different views without the necessity of confrontation or correction and still live with respect and harmony with one another.

        But the exercise of tolerance can be quite paradoxical and in fact, if taken beyond a reasonable level, can become destructive. As a result, the unlimited exercise of tolerance by some, may in fact lead to the actual disappearance of tolerance for everyone. Any society that extends unlimited tolerance to everything, without protecting its own extent of tolerance, is at risk of losing its principles to the onslaught of unlimited intolerance. Evidence of this trend is visible in most of the enlightened, ‘tolerant’ societies where the efforts to tolerate minority groups are leading to major conflicts in acceptance among the majority Examples abound; such as the stopping of prayer in school to appease the non-religious, using freedom of speech to actually suppress free speech and freedom of worship to suppress worship.

This crisis has in recent times, taken on enormous proportions as a result of the mass exodus into Europe of Arab refugees escaping the ravages of wars raging all over the Middle East. The Europeans are suddenly faced with dealing with millions of people with totally different religious and social customs. This has resulted in major conflicts in tolerance and increasing levels of mass intolerance, leading the current United States President to issue a blanket ban on everyone coming in from certain specified countries.  Unfortunately, in such situations unless attempts are made by the society to clearly determine and establish its level of tolerance, there is a risk that the society can be destroyed, together with those who believe in it.

Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, the very successful Roman Catholic radio and TV personality, made the following observations in respect of differentiating tolerance between people and principles when he noted in one of his broadcasts:

“Tolerance applies only to person, but never to principles.

Intolerance applies only to principles, but never to persons.”

He warned that although a society is justified in establishing standards of tolerance on Principles within its borders, it must never extend its intolerance of the individual.

      The need for developing meaningful tolerance in our societies is even more acute now than ever before. With the world becoming more accessible and more exposed, it is imperative that we urgently embark in a program of educating people and familiarizing them on the habits and customs of others and improve the understanding among them. Clearly, tolerance and acceptance will only go so far, and it is only when there is understanding of the needs of others can we really achieve meaningful progress. This is what I believe Helen Keller, the remarkable deaf/blind American author, lecturer and political activist alluded to in the following quotation from her excellent book entitled “Optimism”:

     

“Long ago men fought and died for their faith; but it took ages to teach them the other kind of courage,—the courage to recognize the faiths of their brethren and their rights of conscience.”

      It is clear that the world, with its continued endless conflicts of trust and suspicion, must undergo a change of heart; where lack of trust is replaced with respect, and suspicion with understanding. It is only in this setting can we truly expect tolerance to take hold in this diverse and complex world. In this respect, Leela Ramdeen, a fellow Trinidadian, Attorney-at-Law and Chair of the Catholic Commission for Social Justice in Trinidad, writing in the local media rightly observed:

“We need to reap love, not hatred out of diversity.

To do so we need to relearn the value of tolerance.”

Indeed, this world, with all its remarkable advances in science and medicine that has served to make life better and longer, has yet to learn how to develop the virtue of true tolerance from its diversity.

-The real question is: Will it ever find the time to do so?

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Follow Your Inner Voice

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive. Along with which comes the inner voice which says; 'this is the real me', and when you have found that attitude; ---then follow it."

                                                                                        

This quotation is by William James, the great American Physician, Psychologist and Philosopher, who is considered by many to be the father of American Psychology. It stands out like a giant compass pointing everyone to correct human behavior and attitude. It is undoubtedly a powerful platform for individuals interested in self-help. It has become so popular that it is very often incorporated in the advice and definitive recommendations of many of the most popular inspirational speakers.

In this simple statement, James was able to focus precisely on the fundamental components that make up any successful action. The steps he recommended are clear and uncompromising and are based on a few fundamental principles. You must begin by finding something which kindles your interest and desires, then be sure of your genuine willingness to commit yourself and your spirit, and when you have done this, then follow your mind to fulfillment.

James stressed that, to a very large extent, the success or failure of any individual behavior depends on the strength of the attitude, belief and commitment we bring to bear at the given time. He further emphasized that while we all do in fact possess the capacity to improve our lives if we really wanted to do so, the only question is if we care enough and are we willing to do what is necessary.

We have all seen instances when people have surmounted enormous obstacles to achieve success and we stand amazed at their ability.  But the real and constant truth in all these situations lies in the depth of commitment, the unwavering attitude and the belief in oneself, exhibited by the individual. For as long as man has lived on the planet there have been instances of people rising above their perceived limitations and then succeeding by dint of commitment and self-searching, and by listening to their inner voice when every one around gave up on them. The history books are overflowing with examples of people who have successfully demonstrated this ability. Such well known names as: -

-Vincent Van Gogh, one of the world’s most successful artists, whose work was rejected by every one, yet he persisted at his painting.

–Albert Einstein, one of the greatest mathematicians of all time who never spoke until age 3 and was considered by his teachers to be lazy and useless in childhood.

–Helen Keller, who despite a debilitating deaf-blind affliction at age 2 years, learned to read and write and went on to obtain a college bachelor degree.

–Beethoven, one of the most respected of the classical composers who lost his hearing early in his life, but continued on to produced immortal classics, driven by an inner voice of creativity.

These are but a few of the extremely large number of people who successfully overcame serious obstacles and followed their inner voices to glory.

 But this ability is by no means limited to a group of specially endowed or gifted people. The fact is that to a smaller or greater extent we all possess this potential and ability to achieve. But in most instances, because of past experiences and negative attitudes, we allow them to remain buried deep in our psyche by mountains of inadequacies and insecurities. As a result we end up convincing ourselves to ignore the voice crying out within us and instead recede into our own self-imposed prison of conformity.

In the end it always remains up to us individually, to do what is necessary to initiate and institute the changes needed to ‘find’ our true selves. James himself very effectively summarizes this attitude in the following way:

“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.”

Indeed, this single advice, taken to heart and applied strictly in everything we do or think of doing, will go a very long way to making our lives overflow with joy and satisfaction rather than being one of despair and regret.

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FINDING TRUE FORGIVENESS

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then discover that the prisoner was you.”

The above unforgettable quotation is by Professor Lewis B. Smedes, the renowned Christian theologian, teacher, author and ethicist. It was contained in his very successful publication entitled “Forgive and Forget; Healing the hurts we don’t deserve,” published in 1984. In the book he suggested that whenever we feel wronged, we come under the influence of two different anxieties which remain un- resolved until corrective action is taken. These anxieties deal with our inability to rise above the hurts of past events, and our feelings of inadequacy looking ahead into the future. If left unresolved these anxieties quickly lay claim and take over the control of subsequent life.

In similar vein, Hannah Arendt, one of the most influential political philosophers of the 20^th century, a German-born Jewish-American holocaust survivor, was only able to rise above the memories of her past after finding forgiveness and then publicly admitting that;

 “Forgiveness is the only way to reverse the irreversible flow of history”

This is true forgiveness and one that will stand the test of time.

There is no doubt that we can all attest from our own personal experiences, to countless examples of forgiveness we have all witnessed. Some of them were genuine and rewarding; while others were not so effective and we quickly recognized the difference. A few of these are so powerful that it remains indelibly imprinted in us as an example of outstanding acts of kindness. This was exactly the case in a recent Charleston, South Carolina court when the relatives of the nine victims who were mercilessly massacred by a 21 year old sick young man while they all attended Sunday school, spoke up at the sentencing hearing. Each stood in open court and forgave him. The daughter of one of the victims spoke for everyone, when she expressed from her heart, true forgiveness in these words:

“You took something very special from me, but I forgive you. It hurts me. You hurt a lot of people, but may God forgive you.”

  

         But forgiving is not forgetting, and there must always be a clear understanding of the difference between the two and their separate effects on us. Dr, Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D. a prominent Clinical Psychologist, author and Life Coach explained this quite effectively in the following comment:

“Forgiving someone does not mean that all is OK. What it means is that you are ready to move on. To release the heavy weight that is holding you back. To shape you own life on your terms without any unnecessary burdens. Forgetting is freedom, it is choice. You begin to heal when you let go of past hurts.”

While forgiving can take place without necessarily forgetting what happened, it certainly will not survive if the hurt is not entirely replaced with understanding.

 In addition, it is important to recognize that like other attributes such as humility and charity, forgiving is fragile and will not withstand   a test of scrutiny or critical analysis. All of these activities respond more readily to feelings and understanding better than they do to logic and reason. They are all by-products of an underlying strength of character. Only the strong and the confident can find enough strength to face the reality of accepting the hurt and setting it aside without satisfaction. The others deal with the situation by ignoring or suppressing it. Only the strong can respond by forgiving without even being concerned about the possible consequences.

The true test is not in trying to ignore or suppress the initial cause of the pain, but rather taking steps to learn to understand it and how to resist the desire to seek revenge, or to feel resentment. This is what Dr. Gelb meant when she described Forgiveness with such words as ‘freedom’ and ‘choice.’ This is also why Professor Smedes in the 3^rd step recommended ‘bless the person you forgive’ rather than simply ‘forget what the person did.’

But there is third consideration in forgiving. Forgiving someone can be relatively easy to do, but being able to trust them again is a much different consideration altogether. Most people are willing to forgive and get rid of the feelings of resentment that accompanies it, but few are willing to risk being hurt again. But forgiveness, to be truly genuine, must be offered unconditionally, free of any provisos. This means that until we are able to set aside the risk of recurrence and truly trust, we cannot consider ourselves healed.

From my own personal experience I can readily attest that this does not happen quickly nor does it come easily. It requires patience, honesty and understanding, and a determined effort by all parties to allow trust to grow again. There must exist among all parties a clear understanding that forgiving only frees them from the bitterness and disappointment they experience, but trusting is essential for the restoration of a relationship.

Mercedes Lackey, the prolific American author of fantasy novels, summarized her concept of not forgiving in the following manner:

“Not forgiving someone is like not pulling a thorn out of your foot just because you were not the one to put it there.”

And another author who is unknown added the following:

“Forgiving people who hurt you is your gift to them.

Forgetting people who hurt you is your gift to yourself.”

Taken together, they speak clearly and precisely to the correct way of living, guided by the need to forgive and forget.

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LIFE’S VICTORIES A study in faith, strength and courage

During the month of October each year, my attention is drawn to a series of personal stories in the local newspaper, written by survivors of Breast Cancer in celebration of “Breast Cancer Month,” under the heading Life’s Victories. As a practicing Physician for more than 50 years I have treated and cared for many hundreds of cancer patients and have shared a variety of sad and painful, and hopeful and happy moments with my patients and their family, all of which I cherish and thank God for granting me the opportunity to do so.

 These stories have however impacted me more than I expected probably because several years ago I found myself a concerned participant in such a battle. Ever since my wife was diagnosed with cancer of the breast I found that despite all the years of carefully cultivating the cloak of the “all knowing, unflappable, supportive physician always ready with the right advice or the right answer”, I was as vulnerable and as reactive as anyone else and that I needed the same kind of support as I had offered to others. I found myself for the first time in a paradoxical “no-man’s land.” On the one hand as the physician, I was expected to know all and make all the right decisions and give all the correct advice, and as a husband and life partner, to be caring, supporting, encouraging and sharing with my wife as she navigated through the stormy seas of Surgeons and Oncologists and Mammograms and CT Scans and Pet Scans and Hospitals and Radiation and Chemotherapy. It was, and indeed is, a most humbling experience. It is also one which, despite my many years of clinical experience, has taught me a great deal about my own inner humanity. 

As I read these stories in the local newspaper, which were basically simple comments made from the heart by each of the survivors, I was struck by the strength and character of these people. They had resolutely endured the pain and the sacrifices of the journey and came through stronger and more resilient. This clearly speaks volumes to the resilience of the human character and the ability to rise above the onslaught of adversity. I can do no better to honor these people than to provide brief quotes from a selected few of their many stories published under the banner of “Life’s Victories:”

                                                                                                                   

-“To never give up hope, that breast cancer is not a death sentence, and to be sure to surround yourself around supportive, loving people”.          ……Cindy                                                                                                                                                                               

-“My battle with cancer was an opportunity for me to learn so much about how my lifestyle choices can contribute to, or detract from, the health of my body, mind, and spirit”.                  ….. Genienne                                               

-“Don't assume someone else's experience will be yours. I can't say how many UNNECESSARY sleepless nights I had worried I was going to have side effects or pains that others talked about in forums that never came”.                           ….. Marsha                                                                                                 

-“In some ways breast cancer has been a positive experience for me. Having breast cancer has empowered me. I have strength & courage I never thought I had. I have gained so much knowledge regarding what is going on inside of my body & my appreciation for life is sky high. I have made the most wonderful friends. These are bonds that will never be broken”.                                   ….. Abbe                                                                                                    

-“My advise to someone just diagnosed is to stay calm, it will be all right. This is just another chapter in your life. You will get through this with the help of your family and friends and loved ones.                                   . …. Virginia 

                                                             

-“To anyone who is going through this experience, I recommend take one day at a time, and be positive. And remember: this too shall pass.”                  ….. Marie                                                

-“One of the best lessons I've learned is how beautiful people can be and that a positive attitude is one of the best drugs you can take”.                           …. Sandra                                                                                                          

-“My advice is to find happiness in your life's purpose. Don't be afraid to be yourself. Make up your mind that you will survive. Be strong, proactive, collect information and make educated decisions”.                                                                …… Dawn

-“Through this journey I heard so many inspiring cancer survival stories that my outlook on life has changed. I want to enjoy life to the fullest and make myself as happy as possible because I am alive and well”.                                               ….. Kathleen

-“Cancer is real. It is a life game-changer, and so I have less time for superficiality, judgmental or critical behavior. Generosity, compassion and love are what really matters.”                                …..Dori

                                                                                                   

           As for my wife, I continue to marvel at the calm and courageous demeanor that she has brought to bear as she continues on her journey to “the cure.” I have no doubt that a great deal of this is a reflection of the caring competence and professionalism of her treating physicians and their staff, and to the strong and unwavering support of her children, her family and her many loyal friends. But above all this, there is her unbending and overwhelming faith in her God, her destiny, and her belief that her God will never abandon her. Her favorite

quotation, to which she holds firmly and with conviction, is from Book of Isaiah 43:2:

“When you go through the sea, I am with you.

 When you go through rivers, they will not sweep you away.

 When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, and the flames will not harm you.”

-Indeed, all these courageous ladies have shown, and continue to show, each in her own special way, the strength and confidence that can only come from a deep faith in their God, and in themselves!

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LIFE AFTER FAILURE AND DEFEAT

“The successes of today are built, not on the results of early successes, but upon the back of earlier failures.”

This statement was made by Sumner Redstone, a leading American Businessman, Media Magnate and Philanthropist, several years ago in his autobiography. It has impressed me so much that I have included it in my list of core quotations.

The history of man throughout the ages overflows with examples of this. To my knowledge many, if not all, of the most successful people have arrived at the top after traveling on roads strewn with multiple rocks of failure and they never hesitated to admit that they credit their success on the lessons they learnt from them. 

-As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war as a captain and returned a private. He failed in several business ventures and as a Lawyer was only able to earn money by becoming an itinerant attorney. As a politician, he was no less successful. He was defeated in his attempt to be elected to congress, and twice to the senate as well. In his first attempt for the vice-presidency, he lost miserably. Yet as the 16^th President he successfully presided over the most difficult period of American History.

-Winston Churchill failed as a student, was defeated in every election for public office (although he was appointed to several cabinet posts), until his election as Prime Minister in 1940. His leadership is credited with saving England in WWII. In addition his became an accomplished artist, historian and author, recognized worldwide.

-Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company and father of the modern assembly lines used in mass production, failed and went broke five times before he succeeded. He publicly recorded this experience and his reason to continue, thus:

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again,

This time, more intelligently.

         -Sigmund Freud, the father of Psychotherapy, was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community. But he eventually gained much respect and acceptance because of his commitment and persistence.

         -Walt Disney, the greatest entertainment mogul that the world has ever seen, failed miserably on several business ventures, including declaring bankrupt in 1922, before finally launching his immensely successful Disney Entertainment World.

         People generally are so concerned with failure that they tend to approach challenges with undue trepidation and caution. The thought of failure weighs so heavily on them that many potentially successful ventures never see the light of day. To them the “shame of failure” is just not acceptable. I recall my own father spending long hours in deep thought and concern over a business opportunity because of the risk of failing. Had it not been for the persistence of his brother-in-law he might well have walked away from what became a very successful venture.

Although society universally frowns on risk-takers who fail, the truth is that the most successful and the most progressive leaders and entrepreneurs are found among the risk-takers and failure-prone. That indeed, is the secret weapon of all successful people. They look at failure as just part of doing business, learn from it and then try again.

All of us can no doubt think of instances of people who have come back from embarrassing defeat to achieve resounding success later in life. I recall my earliest and most impressive example occurred when I was less than 10 years old. I clearly recall the circumstance when one of my father’s very close friends announced to him one Sunday morning, that his business had failed and he was forced to declare bankruptcy at the age of 55. Undaunted he started a new business and by dint of commitment and hard work grew it into a multi-million dollar success within a few years. Several years later I asked him the reason for his success, his reply was simply: “I learnt from losing everything.”

         In 1980, as a result of a series of events, some predictable, others beyond my control, and despite attaining substantial success, both socially and professionally, I made the decision to relocate. The move for me, at best, was daunting, the pressure upon my wife and young family was formidable and the uncertainty of the future success was substantial. However, despite several periods of wavering doubt in my mind, I knew that defeat was never an option. Ultimately success was achieved, beyond my expectations. I learnt more about myself during this period than at any other time of my life. I learnt the true wisdom of a motto that had been my late father’s, and continues to be a favorite of my own. It is one that I willingly pass on to my children:                                                                                      

“It does not matter how many times you fall.

What matters is that you get up each time you do.

-You will fail only when you do not get up”

I have no doubt that all successful risk-takers will have no difficulty in identifying with the words of Paul Tillich, the Christian Theologian and Philosopher:

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven.
He who never risks and never fails is a

failure in his whole being.”

The road of life is covered with endless numbers of people who stumbled and fell but failed to get up, and remained on the ground lamenting their life, their opportunities and their bad luck.

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INTEGRITY

“Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.”

This quotation was recorded by John D. MacDonald the prolific American fiction author who died in 1986 leaving behind an enviable body of work and a reputation among his peers as being a grand master. He is still held in highest regard for his literary works and the standards he set. 

The statement very clearly defines the true meaning of Integrity.  But Integrity goes hand-in-hand with Character and Honesty, and together they make up the inner sense of "wholeness" consistent with moral soundness in thought and action. To be genuine and consistent, integrity must possess a continuous and unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting or missing. It is an all-or-none possession and cannot be used as a tool of convenience. –This action would be called Manipulation.

 All my life, I grew up hearing my father repeating the same advice to everyone of his children:

“Let your word always be your bond and

Always live your life with integrity and honesty”

In everyday life, integrity can be seen in every aspect of living. It is that inner drive that compels you to do the right thing at all cost. It forces you do the petty or unpopular things, even when no one was looking and no one cared, because it is just the right thing to do. It is also the feeling of satisfaction you experience after completing the right task, even though this may have been to your disadvantage. It is also knowing that even though doing the right thing may be tough and demanding, in the end only good feelings, not guilt or regret, results from it. It is also having to stand against your friends and your associates when their actions go against what you know is right and appropriate. It can often make you very unpopular and sometimes leads to isolation and criticism, but this is a price you must be prepared to pay.

But integrity, to be used effectively, must be tempered with good sense and fairness. At all times, it must be free of the blind and indiscriminate attitude of the fanatic, whose actions are not based on reason or good sense, but rather on irrational enthusiasm or uncritical zeal. Where the fanatic’s actions are invariably selfish and contrary to the well being of the general society, the exact opposite is seen in an environment where integrity is dominant. If more people in this world were to practice genuine integrity, this world would most certainly be a better and safer place.

 Unfortunately today’s society as a whole, has sacrificed its principles of integrity on the altar of convenience and individual self-gratification. As a result we are faced with a world consumed with hate and rage and anger and distrust, where the only solution seems to be in mutual suspicion and destruction. Where even among the leaders of the nations, integrity is as rare as a snow storm in July, and where lying and cheating and deceit is the norm.

         Despite this, there is no shortage of people of integrity in the world. Each one of us can readily identify people whose behavior has engendered profound respect and admiration. They come from all sections of the society irrespective of age, sex, race or levels of education. Some of the greatest leaders in the world were driven by loyalty to their beliefs and their work. People like Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, St. Teresa of Kolkota, Mohamed Ali, Helen Keller are but a few of the vast numbers of people who have earned the right to be identified as people of integrity.

 But living a life of integrity is not limited to these fine people. Any one of us can readily live by these standards if we commit ourselves to do so. It must first begin with each one of us and with our relationship with the people around us, our family, our friends, our neighbors and others close to us. We must commit to live in truth in the way we think, we act and live and to everyone in our life. It means establishing standards and refusing to compromise even if it affects us negatively. It means that you avoid any situation where the behavior of others creates conflict, or agree to act in any way that is not true and correct. It means not tolerating any behavior that is not consistent with the highest levels and being willing to move away rather than continue and compromise.

         A life without integrity inevitably results in a life of never-ending turmoil. Actions are inconsistent and behavior unpredictable. Where you are behaving and saying one thing on the outside while feeling and believing something quite different on the inside. This is a formula for emotional volatility and distress. Yet many people knowingly chose to continue to live under this cloud of negativity so that they could conform with and please the majority. This indeed is the real curse of our modern civilization and one that unfortunately is increasing at an alarming rate.

In the final analysis, Alan K. Simpson, an American politician from Wyoming was very correct when he adapted a very popular saying while discussing the subject of integrity:

“If you have Integrity, nothing else matters.

If you don't have Integrity, nothing else matters”.

--Indeed it is a great pity that so many of us choose to continue to live their lives flouting the fundamental principles of Integrity for no other reason than to conform to the demands of the prevailing society.

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JUDGING OTHERS

“When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

This concise, profound and dramatic statement was originally made by Earl Nightingale, the famous American radio personality, motivational speaker and author. He at one time hosted one of the most highly syndicated radio programs ever.

He was indeed echoing a well recognized and universally accepted fact that your self-image is primarily a reflection of how you measure others, and how you assume you are being measured by them. This concept has been well recognized throughout the ages, and has been used by many well respected authorities over the years. Most recently, Dr. Wayne Dyer, who died within the last few years, quite often used the quotation in his talks while adding the following observation:

“Stop the judging and get out of your own way.”

There is little disagreement among the experts that this tendency of readily passing judgment on others is a reflection of our own insecurities, and our need to obtain validation for ourselves by blaming others. It provides us, at least at a subconscious level, with a feeling of justifiable reassurance and a conviction that if their actions are wrong then our action must be right. This tendency to judge or categorize others is in fact a very efficient way of justifying the authenticity of your own core self-image, since any conclusion arrived will not be challenged by you. This no doubt, was the reason why Viktor Frankl, the renowned Austrian neurologist, holocaust survivor and humanitarian, felt moved to advise us in his masterpiece, “Man’s search for Meaning:”

 “No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute   honesty, whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.”

         When we pass judgment on others, we are essentially focusing on their faults with a view to criticizing rather than complimenting them. In doing so, we clearly are acting against the person’s best interests. We are in fact acting selfishly, because the intention for taking this action is to find ‘fault’ in the person, so that we can subconsciously justify the ‘good’ in ourselves. For this reason, it is so important that before we consider judging anyone else, we should first ask ourselves if we are really justified in doing so. This advice is by no means unusual and has been repeated over and over by people throughout the ages. The problem is that we have yet to take it to heart.

Bob Marley, the great Jamaican reggae exponent, in a simple, unsophisticated but poignant manner drew attention to this fact when he commented:

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I am not perfect and I don’t live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”

It is always wrong to judge others in order to condemn them, or to find fault in them to justify your purpose. This is never acceptable and should always be rejected.

 The practice of judging others is universal and appears to be a deeply embedded human instinct. It has existed for as long as man himself has existed. In all of the surviving accounts of recorded history extending as far back as 1000 BCE, there are clear references to the practice of passing judgment among all the major civilizations and religions. The Holy Bible, in Matthew 7:1-5, Jesus bluntly and absolutely advises the following:

“Do not judge or you too will be judged.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged.

And with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

And in Judaism, the ten Days of Awe leading up to Yom Kippur, (Day of Atonement), are set aside for reflection on all one’s transgressions, including false judging, and for making amends.

While the Holy Koran has several references reflecting the commands of Allah in respect of judging others, such as: 

“Allah says: ‘O you who believe! If a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth lest you harm people unwittingly.”  

The universal message is that the judging of others, under any circumstance, is perilous and ill-advised, and that the person who chooses to be judgmental is risking a great deal of personal pain and disappointment.

And even then, the correct action would be to pause and review the intentions, since such actions are never justifiable where there are underlying ulterior motives. A very popular approach is to follow these generally accepted four steps clearly laid out by an Unknown Author, before doing anything:

 

           “Before you assume anything, find out.   

                     Before you make a judgment, try to understand.

                     Before you hurt anyone, ask how it feels.   

                     Before you say anything, think about it.”

         This indeed, is the only way to assure that the natural inclination we all have buried deep in our psyche to prejudge anything and anyone who may represent a ‘threat’ to us is controlled. It is also the only way there is to ensure that we live in peace and harmony and without any regret subsequently. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, the internationally recognized psychiatrist, inspirational speaker and author, eloquently offered the following explanation which clearly underscores the importance of doing so:

“When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others,

I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, and reminds me that I can only have peace of mind when I forgive rather than judge.”

We will all do well to heed these words of wisdom and the world will certainly be a better place for all of us!

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