FINDING TRUE FORGIVENESS

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then discover that the prisoner was you.”

The above unforgettable quotation is by Professor Lewis B. Smedes, the renowned Christian theologian, teacher, author and ethicist. It was contained in his very successful publication entitled “Forgive and Forget; Healing the hurts we don’t deserve,” published in 1984. In the book he suggested that whenever we feel wronged, we come under the influence of two different anxieties which remain un- resolved until corrective action is taken. These anxieties deal with our inability to rise above the hurts of past events, and our feelings of inadequacy looking ahead into the future. If left unresolved these anxieties quickly lay claim and take over the control of subsequent life.

In similar vein, Hannah Arendt, one of the most influential political philosophers of the 20^th century, a German-born Jewish-American holocaust survivor, was only able to rise above the memories of her past after finding forgiveness and then publicly admitting that;

 “Forgiveness is the only way to reverse the irreversible flow of history”

This is true forgiveness and one that will stand the test of time.

There is no doubt that we can all attest from our own personal experiences, to countless examples of forgiveness we have all witnessed. Some of them were genuine and rewarding; while others were not so effective and we quickly recognized the difference. A few of these are so powerful that it remains indelibly imprinted in us as an example of outstanding acts of kindness. This was exactly the case in a recent Charleston, South Carolina court when the relatives of the nine victims who were mercilessly massacred by a 21 year old sick young man while they all attended Sunday school, spoke up at the sentencing hearing. Each stood in open court and forgave him. The daughter of one of the victims spoke for everyone, when she expressed from her heart, true forgiveness in these words:

“You took something very special from me, but I forgive you. It hurts me. You hurt a lot of people, but may God forgive you.”

  

         But forgiving is not forgetting, and there must always be a clear understanding of the difference between the two and their separate effects on us. Dr, Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D. a prominent Clinical Psychologist, author and Life Coach explained this quite effectively in the following comment:

“Forgiving someone does not mean that all is OK. What it means is that you are ready to move on. To release the heavy weight that is holding you back. To shape you own life on your terms without any unnecessary burdens. Forgetting is freedom, it is choice. You begin to heal when you let go of past hurts.”

While forgiving can take place without necessarily forgetting what happened, it certainly will not survive if the hurt is not entirely replaced with understanding.

 In addition, it is important to recognize that like other attributes such as humility and charity, forgiving is fragile and will not withstand   a test of scrutiny or critical analysis. All of these activities respond more readily to feelings and understanding better than they do to logic and reason. They are all by-products of an underlying strength of character. Only the strong and the confident can find enough strength to face the reality of accepting the hurt and setting it aside without satisfaction. The others deal with the situation by ignoring or suppressing it. Only the strong can respond by forgiving without even being concerned about the possible consequences.

The true test is not in trying to ignore or suppress the initial cause of the pain, but rather taking steps to learn to understand it and how to resist the desire to seek revenge, or to feel resentment. This is what Dr. Gelb meant when she described Forgiveness with such words as ‘freedom’ and ‘choice.’ This is also why Professor Smedes in the 3^rd step recommended ‘bless the person you forgive’ rather than simply ‘forget what the person did.’

But there is third consideration in forgiving. Forgiving someone can be relatively easy to do, but being able to trust them again is a much different consideration altogether. Most people are willing to forgive and get rid of the feelings of resentment that accompanies it, but few are willing to risk being hurt again. But forgiveness, to be truly genuine, must be offered unconditionally, free of any provisos. This means that until we are able to set aside the risk of recurrence and truly trust, we cannot consider ourselves healed.

From my own personal experience I can readily attest that this does not happen quickly nor does it come easily. It requires patience, honesty and understanding, and a determined effort by all parties to allow trust to grow again. There must exist among all parties a clear understanding that forgiving only frees them from the bitterness and disappointment they experience, but trusting is essential for the restoration of a relationship.

Mercedes Lackey, the prolific American author of fantasy novels, summarized her concept of not forgiving in the following manner:

“Not forgiving someone is like not pulling a thorn out of your foot just because you were not the one to put it there.”

And another author who is unknown added the following:

“Forgiving people who hurt you is your gift to them.

Forgetting people who hurt you is your gift to yourself.”

Taken together, they speak clearly and precisely to the correct way of living, guided by the need to forgive and forget.

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