LIVING WITH LONELINESS

“All the Lonely people,

Where do they all come from?”

These unforgettable and haunting words formed part of the chorus of a very famous and well received ballad entitled Eleanor Rigby. The song was written and published by Paul McCartney and John Lennon, the two most gifted members of the immensely successful Beatles Quartette, the British group that changed the world of popular music in the 50’s and 60’s, while at the same time effectively drawing attention to a variety of social ills. Published in 1966, it went a long way to draw attention to the increasing problems of loneliness among the elderly population and the lack of genuine concern shown by society. The song actually became an unforgettable cry for help and set in motion a powerful movement toward providing more care and attention for the neglected growing elderly population.

Khalil Gibran, in his book, A Second Treasury, a brilliantly written observation on life, very beautifully and exquisitely described the true status of loneliness in the context of living, in this following excerpt:

 “Life is an island in an ocean of loneliness. It is an island whose rocks are hopes, whose trees are dreams, whose flowers are solitude, and whose brooks are thirst.

Your life, my fellow man, is an island separated from other islands and regions. No matter how many are the ships that leave your shores for other climes, no matter how many are the fleets that touch your coast, you remain a solitary island, suffering the pangs of loneliness and yearning for happiness. You are unknown to your fellow man and far removed from their sympathy and their understandings” 

 

He described most effectively, the full impact of the effect of loneliness on the individual which results in his isolation even as he remains in full view.

     

Loneliness is the state of feeling separated from, and longing for other people’s company. It occurs when there is avoidance or absence of physical or emotional contact with people, whether these are loved ones, friends, or acquaintances. This is not to be confused with Solitude, which is consciously choosing to be alone. Here the individual voluntarily chooses to withdraw for deliberate reasons and as a result, elects to enter into a state of isolation. Being alone in instances can actually be a very positive, rewarding and profitable experience, especially when used, as is often done, as a time of reflection, contemplation and self-evaluation. It can often lead to personal growth and enhancement and can contribute to improved quality of life.

Loneliness is a totally different state of affairs. The profound feelings of isolation and rejection, the pain of losing your contacts and social networks and the inability to communicate with others can lead to intense feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression, and can seriously compromise physical and mental well-being. Loneliness   is a very common human response and few, if any of us, are immune from recurrent episodes. Anyone of us will have no difficulty in readily identifying instances of loneliness that have taken place and the indelible effects left on our psyche, and no one will ever choose this option of his own free will.

      Loneliness does not have a single specific cause, nor does it respect age, sex, intellectual ability or socioeconomic status. It is complex and is unique to the individual. But it does have a strong correlation to age, personality and underlying psychological make-up. It is ubiquitous and universal, existing all around us, not respecting status or station. We see it in our friends and family, among our neighbors and with strangers and we read about it in our books and newspapers. Unfortunately, although we will all have no difficulty in recognizing it and all its sequelae, it is rare that we are able to help others to successfully deal with its consequences.

     

      Over the many years in my medical practice, I have seen loneliness present itself in all its many and varied faces. I have seen it in children, manifesting itself as apathy, withdrawal, as eating and bowel disorders, and even as aggressive and anti-social behavior. Some experts even suggest that Autism is probably an extreme, untreated manifestation of Loneliness. Among adolescents, loneliness may well be the most common underlying factor in a large number of behavioral problems encountered. This is not surprising when one considers the enormous conflicts to which they are exposed and the ridiculous demands of our “modern” society. Quite often the consequences may be tragic as was the recent case of a young girl who was driven to committing suicide as a result of peer pressure and isolation. This situation is certainly not improved by the persistent dependence on such popular community sites as Facebook and Twitter where loneliness can easily find a “refuge in public view”.

In adulthood and to a larger extent, among seniors, the problems of loneliness wreak havoc among the individuals and their families. With the added burdens associated with socio-economic distress, severe health problems and loss of life-long partners and relationships, the incidence of loneliness and the resulting health and emotional deterioration become dominant and the resulting suffering becomes overwhelming. Is it any surprise that loneliness is often referred to as “Scourge of Growing Old!”

Whatever the cause, it is vitally important that immediate and urgent steps be taken to correct or reduce its impact. Every effort must be made to educate people on the early recognition, correction and prevention of this damaging state of mind. People in this state tend to feel increasingly empty and unwanted. Although they recognize the need for human contact, their state of mind actually makes it more difficult to correct it and as a result they run an increased risk of developing serious health and mental problems.

     

Despite all we know about the subject, and how relatively easy it is to recognize its appearance and its effects, I fear that as individuals or as a society we have not done well in combating it. We seem to be much more concerned in our self-gratification and self-improvement than trying to improve the conditions or offer the opportunities to reduce the need for people to choose loneliness. It is no secret that much more was achieved in the past when people were less comfortably disposed but were closer, their inter-dependence stronger and responsibility for supporting one another greater.

Sir Bertrand Russell, one of Britain’s greatest philosophers, historians, logicians, mathematicians and social critics who died in 1970 at the age of 97 years, reflected the thinking of that time

When he wrote: 

. “Nature did not construct human beings to stand alone.

Those who have never known the deep intimacy and intense companionship of happy mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give. Love is the principal means of escape from loneliness, which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.”

And St. Teresa of Kolkota, the Romanian-born nun who devoted her life to the care of the poor and destitute of India and of the world, was adamant on the power of loneliness and the need to address it:

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted, is the most terrible form of poverty”

-How disappointing is it that despite the efforts of so many, we could not, in good conscience, say that everything is being done to help these unfortunate people at this present time when we have much more ability to do so!

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