LIVING WITH MEMORIES

“Memories are the treasures locked deep within the storehouse of our souls; to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.” 

         These beautiful and unforgettable words are commonly ascribed to Becky Aligada, about whom, except for this quotation by her, little   else is known. It speaks to the fact that our memories are the very foundation of our lives, the storehouse of all that has happened, and our reliable companion, especially in times of need.

Some time ago, I was reminded of the truth of the statement when I had the most satisfying and exhilarating experience of meeting with a colleague whom I had last seen more than fifty years ago when we both graduated from Medical School. Although we had not seen or communicated with each other for all this while, it was amazing how readily the memories of that period came flowing back and how easy we were able to recall events that had taken place so many years ago.

 Over the short span of a few hours we were able to restore and recall encounters, faces and events that had laid buried in our memory banks for so many years, and experience emotions that had remained dormant for just as long. For a brief period I was a young man again, reliving the past, savoring the faces and the visions of people and places I had not seen for more than five decades. I was again feeling and sharing the emotions that once dominated my life, and had remained buried for all these years by all my other subsequent life experiences. I was again that young, ambitious man, overflowing with confidence and determined to conquer my world. -For that moment in time, I had indeed fallen under the spell of the invincible power of Memories.

Many years ago I came across a memorable quotation which was recorded during one of the episodes of the popular television series, “The Wonder Years.”  It was originally recorded by the authors of the series, Neal Mariens and Carol Black and spoken by one of the lead characters, Kevin Arnold. He reminded everyone in the room:

  “Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love,

the things you are, the things you never want to lose”.

To me, this statement epitomizes in very simple terms, the truly basic meaning of memories of times gone by. In fact memories play a very fundamental role in the lives of every one of us. For it is from our memories that we learn how to live and to grow and to avoid impending dangers. It is by remembering past events in our lives and the outcomes of these events, that we improve, and acquire new skills. And equally, it is by remembering our mistakes and our missteps that we learn to correct ourselves. Memories serve to define us for who we are, and who we strive to be. And in the end, it is only by remembering what we, or others, have done or did not do, can we learn who we truly are, or want to be. Without good memories to fall back on, we are but empty vessels wasting our lives on a shelf.

But memories are very subjective and unless we are careful, they can become distorted over time by our attitudes and our interpretations. As the great American author Tennessee Williams, so correctly noted in his outstanding book, “the Glass Menagerie”:

“Memory takes a lot of poetic license. It omits some details and others are exaggerated according to the emotional value of the articles it touches. For memories are seated predominantly in the heart and the interior is therefore dim and poetic,”

Most of us have a tendency to take for granted the reliability of our memory and to assume that it will always serve us well. The truth is that even in optimum conditions, we generally remember only those things we want to remember, or that have impacted us, positively or negatively, in a significant way. All the other components just appear to fade out of sight, only to return under very special circumstances.

I have no doubt that we can all attest to instances where our memory of an event or situation is colored more by its effect on us than by the actual event. This is as a result of our instinctive tendency to suppress anything which may cause us pain or disappointment; so much so that, when it is recalled later, much of it appears to have been unconsciously erased. Extensive research has confirmed the unreliability and inconsistency of memory in accurately recording and reproducing an event. So much depends in fact, on the individual, his state of mind and the prevailing conditions that existed at the time. Because of this it becomes vitally important that we should all be very careful when giving total credence to the true veracity of a memory.

That not withstanding, memories occupy a very important and integral part of our lives and there is very little that we do that does not involve the use, in one way or another, of our memory. From the moment of waking and throughout the day, all our thoughts, actions or decisions are subject to, and under the influence of our memories. We choose what we wear, or what we eat or what we say by referring to our past memory and then deciding. The more complex the decision, the more dependent we are on our ability to process information from our memory banks. In fact some very well respected authorities have confidently attributed the fundamental difference between average and intelligent behavior to the individual’s ability to efficiently process his memories.

The outstanding German-born, Jewish author, philosopher and social critic Walter Benjamin, was more direct when he observed:

“Memory is not an instrument for surveying the past but it is a theater. It is the medium of past experiences, just as the earth is the medium in which dead cities lie buried. He who seeks to approach his own buried past must conduct himself like a man digging.”

It should be no surprise that anything which interferes with our memories will profoundly affect our behavior. We see this in a reversible form, following the use of alcohol, drugs and in clinical toxic states. We see it also in its most tragic and painful manifestation in the Chronic Brain Disorders associated with Alzheimer’s Dementia, Organic and Traumatic Brain diseases or Stroke manifested with its progressive disintegration of basic memory function and replacement with chaos and confusion.  Anyone who has had to spend any time taking care of such people will be forever traumatized by the appalling damage that results from the loss of the memory systems.

These diseases underline the classical effect of the power of memory in our lives and the supreme tragedy that occurs when it is lost. Charles Baudelaire, the eminent nineteenth century French poet and critic, who was often described as being antisocial, anti religious, anti establishment, and who in fact, spent his life living that way, most eloquently described this tragedy in his own life as he slowly recognized his brain being progressively consumed with Syphilis contracted as a young man. He described this in the following terms:

"How little remains of the man I once was, save the memory of him.

 But then remembering is only a new form of suffering." 

         Tragically, it does not require any stretch of imagination to recognize that any one of us is but one incident away from this catastrophe happening to us. All the more reason that we must all do what is necessary to safeguard our memories for as long as we possibly can. We can try to achieve this by doing all we can to keep our memories alive and taking every opportunity to recall and remind ourselves of events that meant so much to us. When I reflect on this, I often recall the words of the highly acclaimed 1973 romantic drama movie entitled “The Way We Were” and its award-winning song of the same name, with its truly sensitive and heart-felt chorus:

   

“Memories, light the corners of my mind.

Misty watercolor memories of the way we were. Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind, smiles we gave to one another for the way we were. Can it be that it was all so simple then, or has time rewritten every line?”

Too many of us choose to spend our entire lives living from day to day, and from incident to incident, without ever showing concern about their effects on our lives and our memories. We live for today only, and show no regard for the past or the future. This is a tragic state of affairs that will inevitably lead to unsatisfactory consequences. For without good memories to fall back on, life becomes unbearable and tedious. All the more reason to heed the words of the great American folk singer/songwriter and social commentator, Bob Dylan who so wisely advised the world:

“Take care of all your memories, you can never relive them.”

<            >

FIRST LOOK AT YOURSELF

“Monkey never see his own tail.”

 This interesting statement is a long established part of the West Indian Islands Folklore. It is a basic comment on human behavior and refers specifically to the general tendency of people who are quick to point out other people’s faults, without any regard to their own baggage.

                                                                                                      

Most people are reluctant to search out their own faults. Both subjectively and objectively, they prefer to search out possible faults in everyone around them instead. They do this subconsciously mainly as a way of trying to protect themselves against potential attacks from others. Few people are either concerned about, nor are they even prepared to admit their own faults, preferring instead to lay blame on external factors. This is not only a very basic human failing but also is interestingly deeply embedded throughout the animal kingdom.

Some anthropologists have strongly argued that this very clearly seen in nature by the fact that our eyes are set in our heads in such a way that we can see the faults in others far better than we can see in ourselves. We were predestined to do so since it is impossible to turn our gaze inwards without use of reflecting assistance. Psychologists have explained that this approach is the only way we have to deal with our own internal insecurities. We try to find some relief by believing the argument that if others around us have faults then somehow we do not. We readily find justification in the argument that: “since they are wrong then we must be right.”

                                                                                                      

Presently there is more than enough fault-finding in this world. At all levels of society and in countless ways, people seem determined to do little else. Nothing seems to please them as much as decrying other people at home, at work and in everything they do. They fault what others may believe in and how they chose to live. It is therefore no surprise to find that so much misunderstanding and animosity existing in the world presently, with much of this leading to such catastrophic consequences. How can the world ever be at peace when people are rejected for any variation they may exhibit from the current “norm” in appearance, in choice, in belief or in behavior?

 There is an old Arab fable that is often repeated to illustrate this misunderstanding and lack of appreciation of this truth;

 An old donkey belonging to a poor farmer found its way into the King’s stable where it wandered around before it was chased out. When he got back, the farmer asked him if it was true that the palace was full of wonderful things like gold, fine furniture and good food. The donkey surprisingly replied that was not true, all he saw was stables, dirt and hay, no different from his own stable.

This, in fact, is the way that people view one another. They see only the flaws and the negatives around them, and never make the effort to search for the good things just beyond their view.

It is this distorted perception that is the root cause of so much misunderstanding, misinterpretation and lack of trust that exists today. So long as we insist on viewing everything through tinted lens then we invariably assume the whole world must be tinted. Because of this we refuse to acknowledge when we are told that everything within our view appears different. Since we reject their explanation, we must conclude that they are wrong and therefore by inference, we must be right. This is why it becomes so difficult to persuade people that their perception may be compromised, until they are able to recognize the fundamental cause of the distortion. As the quotation implies, until the Monkey actually examines his own tail, he will never believe that the fault lies there.

The real truth is that most of the time the faults which we see in others, and are quick to criticize, are the very same ones which are present in us and we try hard to suppress or deny. This is why we need to question ourselves carefully before passing judgment on others. It is so important to recognize that before committing ourselves we must first examine ourselves with a clear lens. We must determine that our view is not distorted by tinted lenses and if they are, then we must remove them before viewing others. Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian leader and guru made this clear when he declared:

“I look only to the good qualities in men. Not being faultless, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”

But there are some people who insist on looking at others only for the faults they can find. They visit only the stable and they insist on seeing only the dirt and hay, and make no effort to go further into the castle to see all the beauty and riches. They never look for the goodness and kindness in others but seek out the flaws and the blemishes in them. They are present in every society and are the ones who cause such unnecessary harm, disharmony and suffering wherever they go. Og Mandino, the great American author whose book, The Greatest Salesman in the World, has sold more than 50 million copies so far, was in fact describing this situation when he observed that:

“Nothing is easier than fault-finding. All it would do is to discolor my personality so that no one will associate with me.”

          He implied that when we continue to see faults in others, we miss the opportunity to see the beauty and goodness all around us. And when we chose to look for the good things in people we are less likely to see evil in everything. Alternatively if we never look for the good in others we will have no difficulty in finding the faults. It is this mental habit of judging others that is the root cause of the insecurities, and it is this action that needs to be corrected. Only then can we really enjoy the joys and satisfaction of the true life meant for us. Only then can we truly be ourselves and do what is necessary to get the best we can out of life.

Jesus Christ in the Sermon on the Mount firmly and deliberately drew attention to this type of behavior and warned us of the consequences of such action in Matthew 7:1-5:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
 For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
 You hypocrite! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

It will do us all well to take heed of this advice and take steps to correct ourselves with regards to our views of our neighbors. The rewards we receive will be meaningful and tangible to ourselves and to our relationships, both in the present and in the hereafter. As the Dwight D. Eisenhower, the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces that conquered the mighty German army in WW11 and subsequently elected the 34^th President of the US, so effectively advised:

“Don’t join the book burners. Don’t think you are going to conceal your faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed.”

-No better advice than this is available!

<        >

THE FABRIC OF LIFE

“Life is a network of invisible threads.”

                                                                   

      The above quotation from the pen of the great Victorian-era English authoress George Eliot is as dramatic as it is simple. Life, is indeed a complex fabric made up of all the threads of each of life’s experiences, its successes and its failures, its happy moments and its sad moments, collected during a whole lifetime.

Life begins as a plain cloth made up of the many characteristics  inherited from our parents. It is pure, clean and unadulterated. As we go through life we begin to add threads derived from all the knowledge, experiences, encounters, failures and successes, and influences we acquired along the way, resulting in a mosaic of such unique and exquisite complexity and specificity. Sherrilyn Kenyon, the internationally recognized American author and poet explained this quite succinctly when she noted:

“Life is a tapestry woven from the decisions we make.”

A cursory look at this mosaic will reveal an apparent accumulation of unrelated threads which appear to have been woven together in a random pattern, with no regard to sequence or order. Many people will try to convince you that your life is merely the sum total of all your experiences piled up one upon the other, like a layered cake, purely by chance and without any reason or meaning. I totally reject this analogy. To me, every single thread, as it weaves itself into the mosaic, affects and is affected, by every other thread it encounters. Over its lifetime it is modified by, and it modifies the appearance and texture of the fabric, changing its color, appearance, feel and outlook. And as it does, so also, it affects our attitudes, our expectations, our hopes and our desires. 

Indeed we are the product of what we are made up, and our behavior is determined by this. Lea Yekutiel noted Inspirational speaker and author, extended this concept by observing that:

“The fabric of life, with all the threads interacting together can be quite positive, but if one thread negatively vibrates against another thread or is angry because another thread is “in a better place” or “looks better”, the feelings are passed through the whole cloth and is absorbed and experienced by all.”

Wayne Dyer, one of America’s most successful inspirational speakers, who died a few years ago, was more direct in describing the effects of the different influences in causing him to be who he really is. He explained this in the following manner:

“As I look back at the entire tapestry of my life, I can see from the perspective of the present moment that every aspect of my life was necessary and perfect.  Each step eventually led to a higher place, even though these steps often felt like obstacles or painful experiences.” 

                                                                                           …

      By natural extension, this principle applies not only to each one of us as individuals, but to us as a group, as a society, as a nation and to the world. In a very meaningful way each one of us can and do impact the rest of the world by our actions, positively or negatively. In this context, I am reminded of the concept of “the butterfly effect theory” first postulated in 1963 by the American meteorologist Edward Lorentz with his famous quotation:

 “The Fluttering of a Butterfly’s wings can affect climate changes on the other side of the planet”

In the same way that a small insignificant butterfly, by flapping its wings, can affect the climate thousands of miles away, so too can the movement of a single thread affect the fabric of the whole environment around it. We need only to look around us to see repeated examples of this in our day to day living.

     

In my own personal life, I have witnessed, like, no doubt, every one else, many instances where a random encounter has led, directly or indirectly, to significant life-changing events for which I am truly grateful. Very often these effects appeared several years after the initial encounter and in ways that could not have been anticipated or predicted. I am indeed the product of all my encounters. I still recall an incident when I was no more than 5-6 years old and was taken to see Dr. Pau, a kind Chinese physician, for my inflamed leg. His gentle spirit and caring way made me resolve that I too, would like to be a physician. Some 20 years later, l recalled that moment, as I received my Graduation certificate and was grateful for that original encounter.

Several years ago, I came across a very intriguing quotation by the Austrian-born Swiss author and poet, Ranier Maria Rilke who is recognized world wide, for her quality and intensity of work. It read:

“Destiny itself is like a wonderful, wide tapestry in which every thread is guided by an unspeakably tender hand, placed beside another thread and held and carried by a hundred others.”

This indeed should be a true guide for every one of us to live by. For as I see it, this Fabric of our life is uniquely our own, to do with it as we wish. We can choose to abuse it, without respect or regard, and then suffer the consequences of pain, regret and eternal damnation. Or to nurture and support it, to respect it and expand it, and in return, enjoy the rewards that will inevitably come as we journey along on the road of life; and even beyond.

Pericles, the outstanding Greek statesman and orator, who lived around 400BC, has described the ultimate fate of our life’s tapestry most eloquently in the following manner:

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the Lives of others.”

-Nothing else needs to be said!

<            >

     

CHOOSING WHEN TO ACT

 “Don't make promises when you are in joy.

Don't reply when you are sad.

Don't make decisions when you are angry.

Think twice before you act.”

                                          

One of the most common shortcomings of human beings all over the world is the inconsistency of their responses. In their haste to please others, or their zeal to safeguard themselves and secure good feelings, they tend to arrive at decisions without due regard to the prevailing circumstances, and then risk having to regret them later. Too often they respond impulsively without considering the results or the likely consequences, only to falter, fall and then be sorry for their actions.

        

The above observation, by an Author who is unknown, speaks clearly and precisely to this and offers advice that has indeed stood the test of time. It makes good sense to avoid responding or reacting impulsively whenever we are under the influence of any kind of emotional pressure. Because when we do so, we open ourselves to making mistakes. Our decisions are likely to be more impulsive than reasoned, and our response more reactive, rather than considered. In every aspect of our life, if we are not careful we are exposed to countless opportunities to react, to become angry, or to do and say things which may come back to hurt us later. And when we allow this to take place we are in effect giving up our inner control and allowing external forces to influence us. This could never be productive under any circumstances.

Napoleon Hill, one of America’s most successful self-help authors and public speakers, spoke extensively on this subject. He cautioned the need to always think carefully to avoid any possibility of being misunderstood. He went further when he advised:

   “Think twice before you speak because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or of failure in the mind of another.”

This advice is especially relevant in today’s society with its increasing modern technical advances, where events are changing with such rapidity that the temptation to act without thinking is so great. With the increasing sophistication in communication and the ease with which news can be disseminated, people can easily fall victim to making decisions and reacting impulsively without due deliberation. This undoubtedly is a sure recipe for failure, and then regretting that so commonly happens. Bob Dylan, one of the foremost exponents of American folk lore, music and song, effectively summarized this dilemma in the following words:

“People seldom do what they believe in.

 They just do what is convenient; and they

 then regret it.”

Far too often, we have seen incidents of decisions taken and actions carried out only to find later a wrong was committed and one is left with either regretting the mistakes or finding excuses to justify them. Hence the advice to think twice before acting is so important. By doing so we reduce the chance of inappropriate responses and as a result, we avoid a great deal of unnecessary pain and disappointment.

Most of the time, we are motivated to action by the fear of missing out on an opportunity to achieve, or that by not acting quickly, we feel we may be left behind. This to me, reflects the psychological attitude of an immature and unfulfilled mind searching for support, wanting to do anything to stay with the crowd; A type of response that surely guarantees you becoming the victim every time. Indeed, this is the secret weapon of all the successful “con artists”, pressure salesmen and some politicians who have caused severe social havoc on an unsuspecting, trusting public.

In years gone by, in the early centuries, especially during the Greco-Roman  era, people associated fate, success, status and wealth of an individual as a special gift from the Gods responsible for people’s behavior. The Romans turned to the Goddess Fortuna and the Greeks favored their Goddess, Tyche. They were prepared to accept the outcome of interactions as the work of their God who favored some and rejected others. Guilt and disappointment was therefore not considered a major consequence. But with the advent of the Judeo-Christian religions, the concept of each person possessing a free will to choose for himself, naturally led to the general acceptance that the individual controls his own destiny by what they did or said. This meant that the individual was held responsible for his action and could not lay blame at the feet of a God.

In fact, there is still a school of thought that does not accept the concept of action only after deliberate rationalization. These are the Spontaneous Reactors, who are convinced that the right approach to achieve maximum success is that when the opportunity presents itself, you must stop thinking and act at once. They believe that they can trust their instincts to do the right thing. They insist that there is ample evidence throughout the ages of great leaders, entrepreneurs, inventors and businessmen who have achieved great heights in this way. They reason that if you stop to think before you act then the opportunity will be lost.

 But this kind of thinking will invariably prove to be misguided and unlikely to bear fruit in the long run. Warren Buffett, one of the richest and most successful investors the world has ever seen, is a good example of a person whose actions appear on the surface to be dramatic and occasionally precipitous, but in fact, this belies a careful, meticulous action that continues until a decision is made and action taken. His famous remark when asked the secret of success is always:

“You do not need to be a genius, but you need to take the time to understand what you are doing.”

    There is no doubt that wisdom comes only from experience and most of our experience will teach us to avoid those things we may have been able to avoid in the first place. It is not necessary to make mistakes to learn from them, but if one takes time to stop and deliberate over the situation, one’s past experience will help to find the answers and avoid making mistakes. You do not need to be told that you cannot jump out of a plane without a parachute and in the same way you must not jump into any conclusion without the appropriate safety gear. Ernest Hemingway, the great American Nobel Laureate summarized this situation very effectively when he advised:

Before you act, listen. Before you read, think.

Before you spend, earn. Before you criticize, wait.

Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try!”

-We will all do very well to always remember this, whenever we have to make decisions.

<    >