STANDING UP

"No one saves us but ourselves. 

 No one can and no one may.

We ourselves must stand up and walk the path."

The above quotation, generally ascribed to the sayings of Buddha, addresses the recurring problem of so many people who do not possess, or are not willing to exert the courage to stand up and speak up when the circumstances warrant this action. They instead, are quite content to have others speak for them, make decisions for them and even dictate to them. To them, the act of standing up for themselves is such a daunting experience they prefer to avoid it at all cost.

       There are still far too many people who have yet to learn that success depends largely on being able to stand up and be noticed. When we try to please others against our better judgment, to accommodate their every whim and fancy, we pay the price of diminishing our own self-worth, of creating within ourselves a losing mentality and risk making this action habitual. Far too many people spend their lives in passive compliance, in the misguided impression that by doing this, they reduce exposure, avoid further conflict, and suffer less embarrassment. They are quick to offer a multitude of excuses to justify the action. Excuses, such as ‘wanting to avoid conflict’, ‘to keep the peace’, ‘I do not have an answer’, ‘it will not change anything’, or ‘it prevents them from turning what I say against me’, are so popular that they are have become routine and common place.

But In fact these excuses are all merely manifestations of deep-seated, subconscious fears and a sense of unworthiness and inferiority by the individuals. These have the effect of controlling and manipulating the responses and accentuating the anxieties. The final result is that instead of helping the situation, they more often than not, cause more complications and more unhappiness than they hope to prevent. Shannon L. Adler, a well-received and successful American inspirational author and speaker very effectively explained this in a simple analogy, and offered the obvious conclusion:

“Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to your soul. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle but everyone will at least know what you stood for: -YOU!”

        

Standing Up for oneself, even in a strong and confident individual, is always a quite challenging undertaking. But in the person whose natural inclination is to avoid confrontation, the task can often appear to be gargantuan. Nevertheless, despite this, it is undoubtedly an important asset to develop, if one entertains any hope of taking one’s rightful place in society. The ability to speak for oneself and express one’s views is one of the most important prerequisites for achieving one’s identity. It certainly is the most effective way of ensuring respect from others, and getting them to understand and accept your position. But of course, none of this is possible if the person continues to shy away from any form of confrontation, or to avoid accepting personal responsibility for his behavior. Eleanor Roosevelt, the wife of America’s longest serving president, Franklin D. Roosevelt, summarized this very effectively in the following observation:

“In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves.

The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”

But this never comes easy. It requires a lot more than just knowing what to say or do, or how it should be done. It involves being ready and prepared to be self-assertive, and to take the necessary action to project this intention. The manner in which you interact with others and allow them to interact with you must always be consistent and predictable, and must relate to inter-personal boundaries defined by you. For it is the successful enforcement of these boundaries by you that is the single most important way of securing your identity and establishing confidence. Stephen Covey, an American educator, author, public speaker and a leader in the “self help movement” in the latter half of the 20^th century, explained this very effectively went he said:

“This security represents your sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem and your basic personal strength, or lack of it”

         One of the common ways people adopt in trying to avoid having to cope with the assertive individual is by use of passive compliance. Unwilling to risk fall-out from trying to be proactive, they fail to see that their refusal to speak up and avoid displeasing others is not only detrimental, but is non-sustainable in the long run. Experience has shown time and time again that the popular thinking, to wherever possible avoid rocking the boat for the sake of peace and harmony, is not viable in the face of objection. In the long run, more problems have resulted from this approach than have been prevented. George Bernard Shaw, the famous Irish playwright, author, critic and political activist summarized this very effectively when he wrote:

“The people who get on in this world are the people who get up 

and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them."

         In truth, the act of standing up for yourself is, in reality, not as difficult as most of us might want to believe. Norman Vincent Peale, the famous American Methodist minister, preacher, and author of the widely successful “The Art of Living” offered the following advice:

 “Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them.

 You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.”

This is sound advice indeed. For not only does it challenge you to deal with your obstacles, but reassures you that they are less daunting than you might think they are. In every case, it is always up to each one of us to recognize that the ultimate decision rests in our hands. Whether we cower behind a wall of uncertainty and fear, or stand up to the challenge before us, is the single most significant factor that will determine the outcome.

But merely establishing the ground rules is far from adequate in the art of self-assertiveness. It is vitally important to always remain aware that when   you choose to assert yourself, every word uttered, or every action taken can have a double-edge effect that depends on reception and interpretation, and can lead to unintended consequences. Consider the following examples:

 Silence, intended to indicate approval, may be easily interpreted as a betrayal of trust and lead to further conflict.

Being Firm or Assertive in defense of a position can be readily viewed as being aggressive and antagonistic.

Holding Back or not providing enough information and assuming that others should know all the facts, can lead to more suspicion and antagonism. 

Not being Explicit enough and assuming that everyone should be able to read your mind will inevitably lead to further confusion and mistrust.

        

Jeremy Limn, a young, rising author from Tasmania, Australia spoke from his heart when he recorded the following comment:

“Finding your own voice is hard.

It has taken me years to find my own voice.

But for me now, speaking up is a virtue.”

But to be truly effective in achieving this attitude, it must be balanced with an effort to listen when appropriate, to challenge when necessary, stand firm when needed, and to accept change when appropriate. Armed with these resolutions, and reinforced with a positive attitude, it is possible to successfully change one’s image and self-value from being a victim or push-over to one of confidence and assertiveness. Perhaps this is what the brilliant Russian-American philosopher, novelist, playwright and screenwriter Ayn Rand, was alluding to when she recorded the following statement in her ground-breaking book  “The Virtue of Selfishness”, published in 1964:

“The man, who has no value for himself, cannot have value for anything or anyone.”

<         >