ACCEPTING MORTALITY An Overview

“Everybody is born with an expiry date.”

This statement was made to me many years ago by a friend, now deceased, after he was diagnosed with cancer of the Lung. It has forever impressed me by its profound simplicity and truth. In just a few simple words he easily confirmed the fact of man’s mortality. This reality facing every living person offers a stark choice; either to live out his days in a state fear of his inevitable mortality, or in total denial of it, or else, to accept its inevitability, make preparations and continue life without having to worry about something over which he  has absolutely no control over.

It is this fear we feel of our own mortality that makes us so frightened and overwhelmed. For regardless of how we view it or think about it, we are constantly faced with having to accept and deal with the cataclysmic change associated with it. A change that involves going from a state of living into the unknown or whatever else there might be after life. Like birth, this happens only once in each lifetime without any opportunity to correct or to change. It is this ‘change’ from life to death, with its absolute uncertainties, this leap into the unknown that gives rise to such overwhelming fear, confusion and apprehension. It can take its own time to take place or can be helped along by people and events, as Christopher Sabga, my nephew, a talented and aspiring author succinctly noted that:

 “Death like Love is patient, though it is rarely kind and never proud.”

      Since the beginning of time, the status of death and dying has always held a dominant position in man’s thinking. Centuries ago, in the ancient, ‘primitive’ societies, both religion and culture were closely inter-related and death was tied to life in a cyclical pattern. The death cycle, like the cycles of seasonal changes and agricultural changes, was necessary in order to allow for rebirth or resurrection in one form of life or another. Primitive rituals reflected this belief universally, and people generally accepted the inevitability of death as part of the cycle of human life. The Native Americans for example, viewed life and death as parts of a circular movement, wherein the process merely represents a transformation and not finality. They believed that after death the spirit continues to live on. Buddhists always celebrate death. For even though dying means losing someone close in this world, they believe that it is only through death can a person be one step closer to Nirvana, the perfect state of mind.

      In Western cultures, the attitudes of the society have a huge impact on people’s perception of death. Fear of the unknown has always been one of the most common factors affecting our approach towards death, giving rise to unresolved uncertainty. To counter this, all the religions teach their followers to view death not as something to be denied or feared, but as something that was precious, and even should be welcomed for the blessings of the promise of eternal life it brings to each in their own special way. Further, to counteract the aura of fear and uncertainty that invariably surrounds the thought of dying, elaborate customs and ceremonies are used to provide reassurance that the departed person has indeed traveled to a better place. All of this takes place mainly to relieve stress of the individual who is unwilling to accept the reality that death and life belong on the same continuum and should always be view in this way. Vladimir Nabokov, the internationally acclaimed Russian born American poet and novelist described this relationship in his own beautiful style:     

      

Life is a great sunrise.  I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.

In recent years, quite unlike previous generations, the dichotomy of confusion in the attitude towards death is being modified even further by the rapid increase in science and technology. Many in these modern times seem to be losing the sense of death as being an inevitable consequence of living, and more and more, death is being regarded as something that should not happen, and should not be allowed to happen. As a result, we find ourselves demanding and expecting everything be done, at all cost, to keep life going, without regard to the resulting quality or certainty of the life. In some ways death is regarded as the taboo these days, and it is considered impolite to speak of its reality and its inevitability.

Compounding this confusion is the increasing trend towards the   widespread exposure of death to children in the media at a very early age. This has the effect of removing the aura of the unknown, and giving rise to the development of a variety of conflicting attitudes towards life and death. All this leads to confusing and unrealistic interpretations and expectations, and result is an increasing difficulty of acceptance and equally, the ability to accommodate to the change.
         

 Whatever the situation, we should recognize that there can be no standardization of attitude to death. Each person has his or her own view of death and its consequences. Although much of this is based on the prevailing society’s attitudes and beliefs, each one has to deal with the loss in one’s own way. Clearly a sudden unexpected loss of anyone or the death of a younger person carries a greater impact than an older or terminally ill person. And also, children are generally much more accepting because they do not understand the meaning of finality and expect the loss to be correctable in some way. But in the end, there can be no easy common position except for the fact that death is as certain and as inevitable as any other cycle of nature.
           

For my own self, as a practicing Physician with more than 50 years experience, I have encountered and dealt with a wide range of attitudes, responses and reactions to the anticipation and reality of death from my patients and their families. I still find it difficult to predict or influence other people’s attitudes, but to me death is merely a brief stop on the journey of life. What matters above all is the quality of life led, for I firmly believe that a person who has lived a full and fulfilling life has no reason to fear death. There is a purpose in dying; it is but a point on the continuum of life. I have stated this position previously in describing my concept of "life." It is contained in the following statement:

“To me, life is not a random series of transient, overlapping, unrelated experiences, destined to be consigned to oblivion upon completion. I believe instead, life is a precious expression of a greater plan in which our time spent on earth is but a short segment of a journey which began in eternity and will continue to eternity”.

I believe that part of our living must of necessity involve our preparation for dying. In our early years, we were consumed with life, vitality and achieving our dreams, so death occupied a very minor portion in our thinking. But as we grew older we are faced increasingly with the natural urge to consider the likelihood of dying and spend time in making preparation. I am always bothered by those who avoid, deny or are afraid to deal with the subject, or spend all their time and effort trying to “beat it”. By doing this, the person ends up cheating himself of the reality and the opportunity of peaceful acceptance.  Like the analogy of the “half-full/half-empty glass,” the person who thinks of his life as half-empty is destined to spend all his days in constant search without fulfillment, even to the very end when all is spent. While the other who views his life as half-full will continue to enjoy his life as he consumes the rest of life to the end. Stephen Benet, the highly respected American poet and author of short stories drew attention to the futility of this approach when he noted:

“Life is not lost by dying; Life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.”

Instead of suffering from the fear and anguish that invariably accompanies the person who is ill-prepared, it would be so much better to take the time to enlighten and to educate him well before his  time arrives. Society, as a whole, prefers to shy away from this responsibility and does not attempt to correct the false impressions, or take active steps to introduce positive ones. But in fact this is not an impossible task to initiate. It requires a concerted effort on all parts to be truthful and sincere to blunt the fear and confusion that exists.. In this context, I am reminded of that beautiful letter written by the Rev. Henry Scott Holland, the 19th century English clergyman, in regard to his own impending death, and sent to all his friends and family after he died, under the caption, "All is Well":

“To my beloved family and friends,
           Death is nothing at all. I’ve only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other then, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar names. Speak to me in the same easy way which you always used to. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laugh at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, Pray for me, let my name ever be the household name it ever was. Let it be spoken without effect, without a ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you an interval, somewhere very close, just around the corner. …..All is well!”

This indeed should be the view that all God-fearing people must adopt especially if they genuinely believe the promise made to the world by Jesus Christ in John 14:3:

“And I go to prepare a place for you. I will come again and receive you unto myself; Where unto myself; Where I am, there you will be also.”

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