“Forgiving is not something you do for someone
else. It is something you do for yourself. It is saying: You are not important
enough to have a stranglehold on me. You don’t get to trap me in the past. I am
worthy of a future. I am moving on to peace and happiness.”
This simplistic observation recorded by Jodi Picoult, the award winning American
writer, fully explains the power that not
forgiving another person can have on one’s own psyche, and stresses the
need for direct corrective action to ensure a return peace and contentment.
In my recently published book,
“Life is for the Living”, I referred
to the act of not forgiving as “a disease
which inevitably affects the mind and body of all concerned, and that to
forgive is as therapeutic, as it is blessed.” This to me is fundamental,
and must be absolutely followed if we want to avoid the many pitfalls in living
life. Far too many of us spend most of our lives locked in a jail of our own
making, deliberately choosing to walk down that lonely road of anger, distrust
and painful remembrance, without realizing that we are the major victims and
the biggest losers, every single time. And even more tragically, we continue to
do so in spite of the fact that we may be fully aware of the damage being done
to ourselves and our relationships.
No one is ever immune from being hurt from the
words and actions delivered by others. Whether done by accident or by
deliberate intent to hurt and embarrass, these can leave open wounds of anger
and bitterness which may often cry out for vengeance. And far too often our
immediate ‘human’ response is the lash out in righteous indignation; denying
the event and seeking retribution. But whenever we do this however, we fail to
remember that such action does far more harm to us than it ever does to the
intended individual. Dwelling on the hurts and disappointments will inevitably
give rise to increasing feelings of resentment, suspicion, hostility and even
to thoughts of vengeance which can quickly take hold, crowding out any chance
for reason and understanding appearing. In the end, the individual becomes
swallowed up by his own feelings of bitterness and resentment, and driven to
seek punishment and retribution at any cost.
Such actions however, only serve to disturb the
fundamental harmony in the individual’s personal life, giving rise to anger and
bitterness in every one of his existing relationship, and increasing the difficulty
in forming new ones. The intense disappointment experienced can quickly
translates into a loss of meaning and purpose in life, giving rise to symptoms
of depression, anxiety, reduced self worth and ultimately a negative change in
personality. If this is allowed to continue uncorrected it will spread to
infect every aspect of the individual’s living, his relationships with others,
his family and the world around him. In short, he risks losing his fundamental joy of living! Dave Willis,
a popular American actor and musician summarized this effect simply but very
effectively when he noted:
“Holding a grudge does not make you
strong; It makes you bitter. Forgiving does not make you weak: It sets you
free!”
Forgiveness is a gift we hand ourselves
at a time of distress, and until we realize that we owe this to ourselves, and
that not doing so, will result in our inevitable emotional and physical harm
leading to a life of interminable misery. Although it means different things to
different people, forgiving involves a conscious effort of deciding to release
any thoughts of resentment or retribution toward the offending person. This
action leads immediately to feelings of understanding, empathy and even
compassion directed toward others who caused the hurt or pain experienced and
allows the victims to free themselves from the self-imposed control of others.
It does not necessarily require forgetting or excusing the action, (although
that would be a most desirable aim), but it does mean letting go of one’s
personal feelings of regret and resentment. Rodney
King, the Los Angeles taxi driver who in
1991 was a victim of a near fatal, severe physical abuse by members of the
city’s police that led to one of the largest, destructive riots in America,
subsequently showed true and genuine forgiveness when in a somewhat
unsophisticated but genuinely heartfelt words, he uttered:
‘As far as having peace within
myself, the one way I can do that is forgiving the people who have done wrong
to me. It will cause more stress to build anger and peace is more productive.”
Professor
Lewis B. Smedes, Professor of
Theology and Ethics and a renowned Christian
author and speaker described the effects of forgiving in the following terms:
“Forgiving does not erase the bitter
past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Forgiving what we cannot forget
creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of the past into a hope for
our future”
He
was referring specifically to what happens to the individual who successfully
releases his grudges and bitterness. The results are uniformly rewarding in
producing contentment, improved relationships and peace of mind. There is also
a concomitant improvement in health, improved self-esteem, cardiovascular
function, better sleep and appetite with noticeably lessening of anxiety,
hostility, and depression. This, however desirable, is never an easy task to
accomplish and although many will give lip service to making an effort, very few
will succeed. This is what I believe Mahatma
Gandhi, the great Indian leader and
guiding light in the principle of peaceful resistance to oppressive colonial
rule, was alluding to, when he said:
“The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
But to those who succeed in achieving the full
impact of forgiveness, the joy experienced can be indescribable. It is a joy
that can only occur when there is a complete union of the mind, the spirit and
the heart. It is the very kind that Mark
Twain so beautifully described as, “the
fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” And what St. Teresa of Kolkota, the Roman
Catholic nun who devoted her life to the care of the indigent in India and the
world, so genuinely declared:
“Whatever our religion, we know that
if we want to love, we must first learn to forgive before anything else.”
Even Buddha in his exquisite
wisdom was quite direct and uncompromising when he described the effect of not
forgiving as:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping
a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who
gets burned.”
In
the end it is not for me to judge those who cannot or will not forgive that which
they might consider an unforgivable crime
against them. I cannot claim to know all the circumstances and will not
pass judgment. But I know from my own personal experiences, that the regrets
that follow never ever go away, and you are condemned to live with the scars
deeply embedded within you forever. Because of this I am convinced that irrespective
of the circumstances and whatever the consequence, to forgive is the only
option available to you if you want to avoid regret and truly appreciate the
joys of forgiveness. In this respect I
often turn to the insightful words contained in the Holy Bible in the Letter of St. Paul to the Ephesians 4:31-32;
No comments:
Post a Comment