KNOWING YOURSELF

“The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.”

This statement, originally recorded by Thales of Miletus during the 6^th century BC, reflected the emerging attitude of the ancient Greek scholars as they began to reject the current mythological and theocratic beliefs that had existed at the time. Thales, himself, a prominent Greek philosopher, astronomer, and mathematician was held in highest regard as one of the 7 sages of Greek philosophy and is historically recognized as a father of Western civilization.

Since then, this concept has remained virtually unchanged over the succeeding thousands of years of civilization and continues to dictate all human interactions. It is only by knowing oneself can enough self-familiarity be developed to justify any action taken, and to know the reasons why it was taken. Clearly, to accomplish any action or arrive at any conclusion, an inner process of rationalization and accommodation, whether subconsciously or otherwise, must take place in order to justify the choice made. Trying to understand oneself is not as some people try to suggest,  a useless ego trip, but is of vital importance in providing the social skills needed to survive in a dynamic society. Aristotle, two hundred years after Thales in the 4^th century BC, took great pain to explain this concept to his students when he stressed:

“The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself. The most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

  A large portion of a human being’s extrinsic behavior is essentially controlled by the subconscious mind and as a result the reasons behind the decisions taken can often appear to be beyond any conscious control. But this in fact is not correct, for there are always demonstrable reasons for every action undertaken. Problems only appear to arise when there is no real awareness or understanding of the underlying reasons. Unpredictable behavior will occur only in such circumstances where the individual lacks full awareness of who his, and therefore lacks purpose in his life. In these situations, it would be impossible for him to appreciate or explain the resulting behavior, and the reason why it was executed.

Self-awareness, the ability of knowing yourself intimately, is of great importance in every aspect of life and living; and especially so, when dealing with interpersonal relationships. A person who is fully aware and in control of what he thinks, says and does, is less likely to take action that is inappropriate or unhelpful. And even when this happens, he is able to recognize the negative results of the action and its impact on others and take corrective action. To be fully aware, implies that there is sound understanding of oneself and one’s relationships with others. More importantly, that the individual must be in firm control, both mentally and emotionally and clearly understands who he is and what he stands for in this moment, and not affected by past or future influences. Bernard Baruch, a successful American financier, statesman and philanthropist quite wisely placed this in the right context when he advised:

“Only as you do know yourself can your brain serve you as a sharp, efficient tool. Know your own failings, passions and prejudices so you can separate from what you see.”

In most instances, any unanticipated actions taking place can almost always be justified on the basis of failed self-awareness of the parties concerned. In such situations, when one examines the interpersonal conflicts developing between the several parties, one usually finds that the reason may be due less to differences of opinion, and more likely from a failure of the parties to understand the causes or appreciate the facts operating, and therefore arriving at the wrong conclusions. All of which could have been avoided if there had been better self-awareness operating at the time, on all sides.

Although most people when asked, will probably insist that they know their needs and are fully aware of themselves and their actions, yet repeated studies have shown that there are in fact a number of roadblocks, myths and untruths operating which adversely affect the individual’s beliefs and perceptions. The clinical estimate of the numbers of people who are actually fully self-aware is probably less than 20%, while the great majority will find some difficulty in fulfilling all the criteria. Much of this has its basis on a combination of the person’s underlying personality and life-experience factors. These play a major role in predicting subsequent behavior since they dictate the subconscious responses which ultimately control the choice of action taken. This constitutes a great stumbling block to better self-awareness, for without being fully cognizant of himself, the individual will find it difficult to remain true. This will constantly force the person to change position in order to accommodate others, especially when the values are conflicting.

Self-awareness requires not only being fully aware of yourself and your surroundings, but that you are fully aware of your needs and desires. At the same time there has to be an understanding of the effect of your actions on the intended targets. Far too often we allow our own shortcomings and prejudices to color the decisions, and then blame others or the circumstances when the results go wrong. We tend to react to angry responses from others with a sense of righteous indignation, blaming others for actions that were in fact appropriate responses to our ill-directed acts. Clearly, the more effective you are in understanding yourself and your actions, the more successful you will be in dealing with relationships. For this reason for example, people who are generally introspective tend to be much less self-aware and less able to relate efficiently, because of their inherent inability to deal with external influences.

  Developing a better understanding of yourself results in greater self-confidence in your ability to understand others and to forgive yourself for being who you are, when things go wrong. Doing this will go a long way to improve your capacity to deal with the physical and emotional responses of other people and reinforce self-confidence in yourself. This does not come about just by chance, but requires a committed and conscious journey of self-discovery filled with endless searches, challenges and questions.  The result of this effort, if successful, is that it will eventually lead to better control of the inner self, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. The more successful the journey, the more likely will there be improvement in the satisfaction and accommodation to personal and environmental characteristics like attitude, personality, ethics, expectations and values, and less disappointment will occur. Professor Tariq Ramadan, a highly acclaimed Swiss-Muslim academician, philosopher and statesman summarized this in a very personal and relevant manner when he wrote:

“The more you look into and understand yourself, the less judgmental you become towards others.”

         Unfortunately, contrary to what we might think, by far the great majority of us actually lack a significant degree of self-awareness in our daily lives. If we were to objectively examine our daily routine, very few of us will be able to find that we were fully and completely satisfied with the outcome. We will have no difficulty to identify deeply embedded traits which are not helpful, but which we frequently utilize.

Without being consciously aware of the faults and making the effort to correct them, we risk significant problems developing that can affect our relationships both with family and with the outside. Even further the situation is further compounded by the fact that any incomplete awareness can create a paradox in perception, that will interfere with normal responses.

There are a multitude of factors which can contribute to interfering with the acquisition and application of adequate self-awareness. Among these, the following seem to be quite prominent in causing problems:

-Adopting a Defensive Attitude, where the individual is quick to offer solutions without finding out if they may be wrong or appropriate.

-Adopting an Offensive Attitude, where any criticism is immediately deflected by going on the offensive, preventing any opportunity for dialogue.

-Adopting Rigid Attitude, insisting on being always right and rejecting the possibility of ever being wrong. This immediately negates any chance of change.

-Poor Self-worth, feelings of inferiority in everything done. This results in a constant admission of failure and a sense of hopelessness that interfere with finding a solutions.

-Denial, constantly denying that a problem even exists and finding reasons to justify this. These are usually associated with admissions of fear.

If any of these issues and a host of others are left unattended, they can quickly spiral out of control and give rise to serious consequences leading to unhappy interpersonal relationships. It is this conflict of self that led Sun Tzu, one of ancient China’s greatest philosophers and military leaders to declare:

“Know your enemy and know yourself, and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.”

         To get to know yourself is certainly not about skimming the surface and finding only those things that attract you. It is about searching deeply, and doing what is necessary to improve your life and increase your opportunities for happiness. It is a journey of discovery involving a review of who you are and what you are, of finding and correcting your deepest fears, your weaknesses and your strengths and using these to embolden your life and to derive the greatest you can from it. This requires courage and willingness to peel back the fears and the inadequacies, and expose the flaws. But without this exercise, a person is doomed to spend all his life hiding from life itself. J. J. Paulsen, a gifted author and TV producer, speaking from deep personal experience from prison after he was found guilty of murdering his wife, very powerfully summarized the options available when he noted:

“The cost of not following your heart is spending

the rest of your life wishing you had.”  

-This indeed is the ultimate price we must pay for not making the effort to truly know ourselves and to recognize those things that require change. As Leon Brown, the exciting African-American author, so wisely concluded:

“First know yourself, then you will begin to understand why things are as they are, and life is as it is.”

 

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