“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
This simple, heartfelt, and exquisite statement was made by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on
September 11th 2001, in response to the catastrophic loss of life that
resulted from the terrorist destruction of the New York World
Twin Towers.
It was, to my mind one of the finest expressions on grief ever recorded, and one that will be repeated by others over
and over again, for a long time to come.
Grief
is an intensely personal expression of lost love that affects our entire being;
a unique, indescribable experience involving our spirit, our mind and our body.
It is a deep, genuinely holistic response that is invariably as individual, and
as unique as the person himself. By any measure, it is a unusual experience
that firmly resists any simple comparison of one to another. It is a powerful,
multifaceted and often uncontrollable response by the person to a physical and/or
to a psychological loss or traumatic experience. It arises from the deepest
levels of the emotional and spiritual psyche, and always appears with its own, exquisite
imprint, each one as different, and as distinct as the individual himself. Any
of the other manifestations for loss is more likely to be a false expression or
manipulation by others to gain attention.
Contrary
to the popular belief, Grief is neither a flaw nor a weakness that might have
been inherited or acquired. It should
be seen as a deeply embedded personality trait related to the strength of
the pre-existing emotional connections and the ability to relinquish them. The
depth and intensity of the response does not always correlate to the degree of
loss, but rather to the intensity of the pre-existing connections. The internal
value of the loss is more akin to a deep emotional and spiritual event and not
to the actual loss. This explains why the severity of response is often
completely out of proportion the actual loss. It must never be viewed as a
singe emotional expression, standing alone and separate from the other emotions.
It should be seen as a ‘total experience’ or ‘a state of being’ that involves the
physical, emotional, mental and spiritual make-up of the person, and quite
capable of consuming the whole person
The
initial response to any form of loss, pain or traumatic event by any individual
is to show varying degrees of disappointment and/or regret. This is not grief, but a natural and
normal human response to any loss or painful event and is usually corrected by
insight and understanding. True grief occurs when the individual finds it
difficult to deal with the loss, or to accept it and move on, or resuming
normal living after a reasonable time has passed. This should never be seen as
a weakness or disease that requires treatment, but rather as an internal
process, a journey of coping with, and adapting to, the loss of personal connections.
The
current popular impression that the expressions of grief should be treated as a
series of events, or stages of progression, or steps on a timeline that must be
allowed to work through has led to the current approach of encouraging the aggrieved
to “get past the loss.” This is
fundamentally flawed, for although the loss takes place in a moment in time, the
long term effects in fact, will never fully go away. Cicero, one of the greatest of the ancient Roman philosophers,
placed this in the right context when he wrote:
“The life given to us by nature is
short,
But the memory of a life well spent,
is eternal.”
One of America’s foremost counselors on
death and dying, Rabbi Earl Grollman,
has frequently reminded his audience that:
“The only cure for grief is to
grieve.”
No truer statement on
grief can ever be made by anyone. Grief is not something equivalent to making a bad
choice that will be forgotten in time, but rather it is something when it happens,
will never fully leave. It is certainly not just having to cope with bad
news of losing someone, but it is more like entering a strange new world of
feeling and missed communions that only begins with the loss. The pain of losing
acts as a catalyst that unlocks all the deeply held memories and emotions that
had been laid down throughout the many years of living; some of which were
lying conveniently forgotten. At first it appears to be an intensely personal
response with the accompanying emotional expressions visible to all, but this is
but a small component of the process. The bulk of grief remains like hidden
shadows stored deep within us, and showing themselves in such widely varying
sentiments as silence, denial, mood swings, disorientation and even rage.
There really is no single correct way to cope with
grieving and no one ever follows the same path that another may take in dealing
with it. Many will respond with heightened emotions, acting out in such a way
that may do harm to themselves and to others. While others will tend to choose
total silence and withdrawal, in the hope the action will somehow protect them
from experiencing the pain of loss. And there are yet a few, blessed with a
truly pragmatic attitude, who will accept the grief as part of living, and then
move on with living their lives without any demonstrable effect. Such behaviors tend to aggravate others because they have difficulty in
understanding the approach adopted by the aggrieved. But whatever the path
chosen, grief never truly goes away, it can only be accommodated, and only
after there has been acceptance and understanding.
In the current ‘advanced’ cultures dominated by impersonal
and self-centered attitudes, the uninhibited expression of grief is largely
discouraged and sometimes frowned upon. People are expected to be ‘strong’ in
such situations and to present a stoic understanding rather than give into the
basic human instinct of an empathetic response. Aesthetically this action may be
desirable, but it serves to cheat the individual from sharing his inner
feelings about the loss and in effect forcing him to isolate himself and lose
human connectivity. It should come as no surprise therefore that society is
becoming increasingly grief and mortality phobic. This does not exist in the
Eastern and Far Eastern cultures, where the full expression of grief is
encouraged.
John Mark Green, an obscure but very talented American poet, clearly writing from deep
personal experience, very exquisitely and sensitively explained the road
traveled by everyone in grief:
“Each person’s grief has its own
finger prints.
Every journey of sorrow has its
unique plan.
Hearts will heal on their own
timetable.
Never presume to know how others should
deal with their pain.”
-It will do us all a great deal of good to take
these words to heart, for while we are all happily conducting our daily
business of living, we are always but a single moment from experiencing the
grief from a loss, and being plunged into the painful world of grieving.
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