“Everyone of us loses something precious to us; Lost opportunities, Lost possibilities, and lost feelings, that we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive.”
This philosophically appropriate, and highly relevant statement was made by Haruki Murakami, an internationally acclaimed Japanese novelist and author, whose works have received universal praise and acceptance.
In making the statement, he was reminding us that for as long as we live, we will all continue to experience feelings of loss of some kind. All of these losses, which may include the loss of loved ones, of possessions, of hope and dreams, of expectations, or many of the other countless events, will continually occur from the encounters that cross our paths on the road of life. But at the same time, he however went on to reassure us that although we may never be able retrieve any of them physically again, yet they are never really lost, but remain with us forever, mostly buried in the library of our memories. He added: “and from time to time, when we feel the need to do so, we are able to recall them, dust them off, let in fresh air, change the water in our flower vases to give them life again, and in so doing, we could allow them to live with us forever.”
Despite this reassurance however, few people ever find it easy to accept the loss of something they cared about, even when everything pointed to the possibility of it occurring. Much of this may be the result of the psyche’s innate resistance to accept any change in status quo, and for that matter, the initial response of the body’s autonomic system triggered by the subconscious reaction to the loss. Because of this, loss of any kind could at times, produce substantial effects on the person’s physiological and psychological status, and could even result in significant, and sometimes serious, consequences to his self-image and to the subsequent behavior. No one ever likes to lose, and for good reason, since losing, especially if it involves something that is meaningful, will always be felt as a direct blow to the ego. It serves to undermine confidence, increase emotional instability, and trigger a reduction in the body’s dopamine output, all of which can give rise to significant physical and subjective disturbances.
Our immediate response to any loss is always directed to trying to reduce its impact on us. We first try to either to deny its existence, or to rationalize its effect on us. Quite often, we first may try to make use of a variety of excuses such as, projecting the loss on others, or not accepting any blame for ourselves, or try to reduce its relative impact on us by acting unconcerned. This may initially cushion the blow to our ego, but when it continues to happen, we begin to lose confidence in ourselves, and start to internalize the loss. Once this occurs, it sets in motion feelings of inadequacy and of inability to cope, which renders us further insecure and unable to deal with the consequences. This stage will often be accompanied by a cascade of emotional and neuro-physiological symptoms which affect our stability, as well as our ability to rationalize, and may often lead to intense feelings of failure and incompetence. This process, part of the mourning sequence, can be brief or extended, and can end up seriously compromising our self-confidence, inducing strong feelings of guilt, and at times, lead to intractable suffering.
Irrespective of the type or severity of loss incurred, the victims appear to go through a series of stages through which they try to process its impact on them, although the relative intensity may vary with each person. This often begins initially with:
Denial: where they question the loss as well as its negative effect on them. This is followed by a stage of:
Anger: when the reality sets in and the pain and frustrations of the loss begin to take hold. The anger is not necessarily only directed to the loss itself, but is often against others, or may even be universal. Then:
Blame: takes hold, as the victim tries find a reason for the loss, and quite often ends up hitting out at himself or at others. Then, Acceptance: of the reality of loss with some attempt being made to accommodate the feelings. This, if successful, will usually usher in the start of healing and recovery.
Whatever
the sequence, any loss which triggers a grief reaction will have consequences.
It may on the one hand, serve to trigger a determination to find corrective
action to prevent any recurrence, or become so debilitating as to induce severe
physical and psychological decompensation. There is no strict sequence that
everyone follows, but to a large degree, the severity of the response is a
reflection of the underlying personality make-up, and not to the loss incurred.
Many will never come to terms with the loss, but will instead spend the time vascillating
from one level to another. And there are others who are content to lay the
blame elsewhere, and absolve themselves of responsibility, while a few, guilt-ridden
people, will accept full responsibility and then spend the rest of their lives
living in regret and seeking forgiveness.
Robin
Williams, one
of America’s most successful comedians and an accomplished actor, who
unfortunately, at the very height of his career, committed suicide during a fit
of depression was no stranger to these feelings of loss, when he declared:
“Real loss is only possible when you love
something more than you love yourself.”
He
argued that, unlike the loss experienced by most children, for whom life
revolves around the present, and the loss they feel is merely a transient event
which will soon change, true loss to an adult, can be a crushing blow,
especially when there is some type of meaningful attachment. The resulting Grief
Reaction can produce a variety of emotional responses ranging from sadness,
loneliness and apathy to clinical anxiety and depression. At times, they may
become so chronic as to render them debilitating, resistant and intractable,
and often result in the use of violence to oneself or to others, as a type of
solution or punishment.
Coping
with any meaningful loss, whether of a person or a possession, is always unpredictable,
difficult, and challenging both to the victims, as well as those around them.
This is often aggravated by the fact that often, others find it difficult to understand
or comprehend the reason. William Shakespeare, who himself was a victim
of repeated loss both in his marriage and his personal possessions, understood
this well when he noted:
“Everyone can master
a grief, but him who has it.”
Because of this, people tend to employ
different strategies to deal with their loss and often end up feeing further
disappointed and isolated. Few people actually appreciate that the severity of any
loss is related less to its objective value, and much more on the personal emotional
attachments acquired, and are more inclined to make matters worse. This is the
reason that such statements, so often given in good faith; “try to forget it”
is of little help. We need to understand that because loss, like love, is
always a personal expression that often cannot be explained or shared, it must
only be accepted, and our role must be to provide support and counsel. Perhaps,
the following observation by an astute Unknown Author, comes close to
explaining the role of friends who care:
“Every human being must find his own way to
cope with severe loss, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate
whatever method he chooses.”
In
the end, any loss can either give rise to serious devastation, or can be
readily managed by use of our own internal resources. But this will only happen
if we are able to proactively trust ourselves, and our ability to avoid
responding with fear and trepidation, and instead find ways to make new
connections to replace the loss. We always have the final option of either
wallowing alone in misery, or accepting the reality of adapting to the loss and
resuming our life with others. Norman Cousins, the highly respected
American journalist, author and political activist, summarized this most
effectively when he wrote on the greatest loss of all, the loss of life:
“Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The
greatest loss is what dies while we are living.”
-This indeed is the message we should be hearing. It is never the loss, however intense this may be, that causes the pain and the suffering, but it is the unresolved turmoil, and the chaos within us, that is the true enemy.
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