“The darkness of death is like an evening twilight.
It makes all objects more lovely to the dying.”
These beautifully perceptive words were recorded by
the 18th century German poet and author, Johan Paul Richter (Jean Paul) in his masterpiece The Invisible Lodge, which detailed his
own personal spiritual crisis. It describes an experience that most people who
have worked with the dying will readily confirm; that at the final moment of
life, there is a peace of acceptance as the spirit moves on. Death is the single, most certain event in the
life of every single living creature on this earth. While some of us will die
in ways beyond our control, most of us will be aware of our final moments, and
contrary to the prevailing beliefs, only a very few unfortunate ones will not
be able to surrender control, and depart this life in a state of true
submission.
In my own personal professional
life I have witnessed the peace of mind and calm that comes from the acceptance
of the inevitable, and the subsequent joy and celebration of the life of the
departed which followed. Above all, I appreciated the good memories that will
remain with me long after, and cherished the good feelings they imparted. And
even more gratifying have been those few instances along the way when I also
witnessed the overnight metamorphosis that took place where an angry,
aggressive, antagonistic patient was abruptly transformed into a peaceful,
caring and accepting person, sometimes after he reported having experienced a
“spiritual” visit. The feelings of joy and relief that resulted, and radiated
throughout the family after such an occurrence was truly indescribable. But I
have also shared the deep excruciating pain and torment of a few unfortunate
ones who could not, and would not accept the truth, and who fought to the very
end, cursing their lot, their luck, their life and their God. That pain lingers
on forever, and I and the family, are robbed of all the good memories of a life
that could have been, but were buried by the unrequited resentments.
Our general attitude to the concept of death and dying has
never been honest or realistic. Although we all readily accept and recognize
that death is inevitable, yet we all seem to behave that this is not really the
case, or at least hope in some way, that it does not apply to us. Most of us
are so concerned in spending our lives in the pursuit of living and in
satisfying our needs and our desires, that we seem totally oblivious of the
fact that it will someday come to an end. In fact, we actually spend a great deal
of our time actively trying to avoid thinking about dying, and when we do so,
it will invariably be about someone else. We steadfastly resist thinking or
projecting about our own mortality, almost as if at a subconscious level at least,
we are hoping for immortality. We all seem to have a deep-seated fear of dying
and that colors our thinking and goes a long way to preventing us from facing
the truth. We show this in our daily living by our unmistakable tendency to
banish any thought or reference to dying and hope by so doing, to eliminate the possibility of it
affecting us. We are of course, sadly mistaken, for whether or not we believe
in the inevitability of death, each and every one of us will face that moment whenever
the appointed time arrives. This is precisely what the great Roman-Syrian
orator Publilius Syrus was alluding
to when he advised:
“The fear of death is worse than
death itself.”
Unfortunately, the attitudes to death and dying by most of
the modern societies have undergone very drastic changes over the last few
centuries of civilization. In the past, and to some extent, still existing in
many of the Eastern cultures, the dying individual will be kept at home,
surrounded by family and friends tending to their comfort and listening to
everything said. Children were brought in and encouraged to be actively
involved. Death was therefore familiar to all and was calmly accepted as a
common destiny of all of mankind. The experience that results for all in
attendance, although intense and conclusive, achieved acceptance for them, and provided
them with opportunities for personal reflection on their own mortality.
But
in the last two centuries, the rapid economic and scientific changes brought
about by the industrial revolution forced a rethinking on many of the familiar ways of
life, including the attitudes toward death and dying. Instead of death being
seen as a common destiny of all the species, the scientific advances have
encouraged a desire to preserve life at all cost and by all means. At the same
time, there has been a shift in society’s attitude to death from one of sharing
the experience with the individual, to one of protecting all those around from
experiencing the disturbing and painful exposure to dying and death. The result
is that, instead of dying at home, fully surrounded by familiar faces, death occurred
in sterile impersonal places like hospitals or nursing homes; usually alone and
unsupported. This has resulted in a gradual
loss of the dignity for death and an increasing alienation of people from the
idea of the acceptance of mortality.
Sigmund Freud, the renowned German psychiatrist who is considered to be the father of
modern psychoanalysis, in 1918 quoted in a paper on death, the ancient popular Latin
proverb, “Si
vis vitam, para mortem,” which loosely
translates to:
“If
you want to experience life, prepare for death.”
He was making
the point that to truly experience and respect life, one cannot ignore the
reality of death being an integral part of life. But more and more, this original concept of the dignity
in death is being assaulted, and instead, an attitude of resentment to dying
has taken hold. The feeling that death should never be allowed to take place, if
at all possible, is rapidly gaining credence among scientists and other leaders. This
serves only to extend the suffering and alienate and confuse others with wrong expectations.
We are at risk of losing that noble dignity that once dominated our expectations;
that dying was a natural extension of
living and that life continues beyond. This attitude is clearly reflected
by the very sensitive observation of Albert
Einstein, the outstanding theoretical physicist and a genuine philosopher
in his own right, when he noted:
“Our death is not an end if we can live in our
children and the younger generation. For they are us; our bodies are only
wilted leaves on the tree of life.”
In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and
pioneer in death and dying studies, published a book on this subject in which she detailed the five stages of grief
an individual will generally go through during the period of dying. It has
become a gold standard in the understanding of death and dying and is being
used all over the world. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining,
anticipatory grief/depression and withdrawal, then leading ultimately to
acceptance and coming to terms with death as a natural part of the life cycle. Although
the order and the duration of each stage may be different, there appears to be
a consistency in their occurring. If these stages are allowed to take place
with the presence and support of friends and family, then the transition from
life to death will be made easier and the subsequent remorse will be much
lighter. But, if, as often happens in the current settings of hospital or
nursing home isolation, they take effect without support, the experience is
invariably much less acceptable to all.
In 2009, an Australian nurse, Bronnie Ware, published a brief internet essay based on her 10 years
of experience as a Hospice nurse entitled “The
Top Regrets of the Dying,” in which she recorded the five most common
regrets expressed by her patients as they approached death. This was so well
received that two years later she expanded her presentation into publishing a
book under the same title. In a simple, very personal way, she identified the
most common regrets expressed by her patients and their need and desire to have
them addressed before the final event occurs. She also spent some time reminding
us that with some effort, it was possible to avoid these unfortunate situations
and die with peace of mind and dignity by taking care to make the right choices
during our lifetime. She further reaffirmed the truth, which anyone working in
the field will readily confirm, that even in dying, with some effort, it was
possible to help the person to achieve peace and acceptance. In a very personal
and deeply sensitive way, she recorded the following reassuring observation in
her essay:
“I learnt never to underestimate
someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a
variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and
eventually true acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they
departed though, every one of them.”
Professor
James L. Hallenbeck, a leading authority in palliative care and the
study of end-of-life issues, noted that people tend to lose their senses in a
certain predictable order. They will lose hunger
and thirst first, followed by speech
then vision, but the sensations of hearing
and touch will usually linger on to the very end. This clearly underlines
the very real need for all concerned to understand that even to the very last
moment of life when awareness appears to have ebbed away, the dying person is still
able to feel and hear. So rather then standing by in silence, the need to
continue to express feelings of love and comfort, and engage in personal touching
and support are paramount in making the transition easier. This finding
completely contradicts the present-day attitudes of placing our dying in the
‘sterile’ isolation of the hospital or nursing home under the care of trained
personnel. For although we have succeeded in optimizing the physical care of
the individual, we are sacrificing the all-important last words and feelings
that may mean so much to the individual and the family at this stage.
There is a growing tendency in these
days with so much amazing and wonderful discoveries are being made on a daily
basis, and where there appears to be increasing optimism that we will be able
to replace and restore destroyed and dying organs at will, that perhaps
ultimately, one day in the future, we will be able to defeat death itself.
Already we increasingly try to cover up the signs of aging with cosmetics and
surgery, and we have no hesitation to reverse some of nature’s fundamental
changes with the ambitious use of powerful hormones in a concerted attempt to
stay young. This might well serve to prolong the inevitable moment and improve
the quality of life, which obviously are desirable goals for us all to achieve,
but it will not change the outcome. We must never lose sight of this fact, nor
should we ever abandon our responsibility to prepare ourselves and those around
us to the basic inevitability of our destiny in God’s ultimate plan.
In the end however, few will ever
be bold enough to deny the inevitability of death as part of the cycle of life, and it is left entirely to each person to come to his own decision with regard to
the events that will happens afterwards. I personally, like so many others, prefer to share the view of Michelangelo of Lodovico, the Italian
born grand-master, whose name is synonymous with the Renaissance Period and whose sculptures, paintings, architecture
and poetry are treasured all over the world. Before he died he recorded one of
the finest descriptions of the deeply spiritual relationship of life and death
I have ever seen or heard:
“If we have been pleased
with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes
from the hand of the same master.”
-No one who believes in God should need any further
proof or explanation, and no God-fearing person should ever be afraid to cross
over when his name is called!
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KINDLY SHARE THIS, AND THE OTHER 2 ESSAYS
ON THIS SUBJECT, WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
ALSO
IF POSSIBLE, BEGIN A DISCUSSION ON THEM. THIS MAY BE THE BEST THING YOU WILL DO,
FOR YOURSELF AND FOR THEM.
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