ACCEPTING MORTALITY AN OVERVIEW

“Everybody is born with an expiry date.”

This statement was made to me many years ago by a friend who is now deceased, after he was diagnosed with Cancer of the Lung. It has forever impressed me by its profound simplicity and truth. In just a few simple words he readily confirmed the unequivocal fact of man’s mortality and the price that every living person, regardless of every other condition of living, will one day be required to pay.

This reality of having to die at some time in the future is not only an absolute fact, but it is the ultimate price for having lived. But before it happens, the individual is always presented with several stark options from which he must choose and which will determine his future course:

-Either to live out his days in a constant state of fear and anxiety over his inevitable mortality, and lose all the joy and pleasure of living in the present,

 or

-To live in total denial of it for as long as he possibly can, and spend the rest his life hiding from it and from everyone else,

or

-To accept its inevitability, make preparations as best as he possibly can, and continue living without having to worry about something over which he has absolutely no control over.

Most of us will readily admit to a certain level of fear we feel of our own mortality from time to time. It can sometimes make us so frightened that we are overwhelmed by just having to think about it. But regardless of how we view it or think about it, we are constantly faced with having to accept and deal with the cataclysmic changes associated with it. Changes that involve going from a state of viable living and thinking and sharing, into a bleak unknown or, whatever else there might be after life. Like birth, this happens only once in each lifetime and in both instances there are no opportunities to correct or to change the outcome at any time. It is this leap into the unknown, the change from life to death, with its absolute uncertainties that gives rise to such overwhelming fear, confusion and apprehension. And, that it will take its own time to occur and can never be influenced by what people say or need. It appears to do its works patiently and decisively without care or concern, and as my nephew Christopher Sabga, a talented and aspiring author once succinctly observed that:

 “Death like Love is patient, though it is rarely kind and never proud.”

Since the dawn of civilization, the status of death and dying has occupied a dominant position in all of man’s thinking and writings. Centuries ago, in the ancient, so-called ‘primitive’ societies, both religion and culture were closely inter-related and death was tied to life in a cyclical pattern. The life/death cycle, like all of nature’s cycles of natural changes which include: day and night, weather, and seasons was necessary in order to allow for rebirth or resurrection from one form of life or another. Primitive rituals reflected this belief universally, and people generally accepted the inevitability of death as part of the cycle of human life. The Native Americans for example, viewed life and death as parts of a circular movement, wherein the process was seen merely as a transformation and never as finality. They believed that after death the spirit continues to live on. Buddhists always celebrated death. For even though dying meant losing someone who was close to them in this world, they believed that it was only through death can a person be one step closer to Nirvana, the perfect state of mind. And in the ancient Greek and Roman cultures, death was given a prominent role in ensuring a passage to being closer to the Gods.

         In the Western and Moslem cultures the attitudes of religion and society have always had a huge impact on people’s perception of death and how it is subsequently managed. Fear of the unknown has always been a prominent factor affecting our approach towards death and giving rise to a myriad of unresolved uncertainties. To counter this, all of the religions teach their followers to view death not as something to be denied or feared, but as something that was precious, and should be welcomed for the blessings of the promise of eternal life it brings each, in their own special way. Further, to counteract this aura of fear and uncertainty that invariably surrounds the thought of dying, elaborate customs and ceremonies are used to provide calming and positive reassurances that the departed person has indeed traveled to a better place. All of this has the effect of not only relieving the stress and anxiety of the individual who is reluctant or unwilling to accept the reality of his mortality, but to reassure him that life and death belong on the same continuum and should always be viewed in a positive way. Vladimir Nabokov, an internationally acclaimed Russian-American poet and novelist described this relationship in his own beautiful style:     

      

“Life is a great sunrise.  I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.”

     

But in contrast, the Far Eastern cultures, influenced by the fundamental Confucian thinking laid down many centuries ago, believe that human life was controlled by the four phases of birth, aging, illness and death which are expected to progress along a predestined plan from one to the other and that each should be   accepted gracefully. From a very young age, Chinese children are taught that death should never be feared but be welcomed as any of the other phases are. To them the concept of mortality does not carry the same frightening connotation but instead they approach death with far more realistic degrees of acceptance, or even with celebration of a life well spent. Interestingly, several studies have indicated that when these people grow up in western cultures they quickly adopt the western attitudes.

In recent years, quite unlike the previous generations, with the rapid advances in medicine and science, there has been developing a dichotomy of confusion in the understanding and attitude towards death.  With the increasing evidence that the animal and human genetic structure can be modified and replaced, more and more authorities are beginning to modify their concepts of mortality and seriously suggesting that life could be prolonged or even sustained indefinitely. This has led many to question death as being an inevitable consequence of living, and more and more are going further by proposing that death is something that should not happen, and should not be allowed to happen. As a result many people are seriously questioning their concepts of mortality and demanding and expecting everything be done, at all cost, to keep life going; without regard to the resulting quality or certainty of the life. Some extreme authorities are actually suggesting that death should be regarded as a failure and a taboo, and therefore considered impolite to speak of it in terms of reality and inevitability.

         

 Because of the very wide variations that exist with regard to people’s concepts of death and dying there can be no standardization of attitude and expectations. Each person will have his or her own view of death and its consequences that may not be accepted by others. Although most people’s attitudes are based on the prevailing society’s attitudes and beliefs, yet each one has to deal with the loss in his own way. Clearly a sudden unexpected loss of anyone or the death of a younger person carries a greater impact than an older or terminally ill person. And also, children are generally much more accepting because they do not understand the meaning of finality and expect the loss to be correctable in some way. In the end, there can be no easy common position except for the fact that death is as certain and as inevitable as any other cycle of nature.
           

For my own self, as a former practicing Physician with more than 60 years experience, I have encountered and dealt with a wide range of attitudes, responses and reactions to the anticipation and reality of death from my patients and their families. Throughout this period I have never tried to predict or influence other people’s attitudes, but have always tried to assist them in accepting its reality without disappointments or regrets. For myself, I see death as merely a brief stop on the journey of life. What matters above all is the quality of life led, for I firmly believe that a person who has lived a full and fulfilling life has no reason to fear death. There is a purpose in dying which cannot be fathomed in the same way that birth itself is always unfathomable. I have previously expressed my view the following statement: “To me, life and death are not random series of transient, overlapping and unrelated experiences destined to be consigned to oblivion upon completion, but they are both points on a continuum of life. I believe life is a precious expression of a greater plan in which our time spent on earth is but a short segment of a journey which began in eternity and will continue to eternity.”

I believe that an integral part of our living must of necessity involve our preparation for dying. In our early years, we were consumed with life, vitality and achieving our dreams, so death occupied a very minor portion in our thinking. But as we grew older we are faced increasingly with the natural urge to consider the likelihood of dying and must spend time in making preparation. I am always bothered by those who avoid, deny or are afraid to deal with the subject, or spend all their time and effort trying to “beat it”. By doing this, the person ends up cheating himself of the reality of his death, and the opportunity of peaceful acceptance.  Like the analogy of the “half-full/half-empty glass,” the person who thinks of his life as half-empty is destined to spend all his days in constant search without any fulfillment, even to the very end when all is spent. While the other, who views his life as half-full, will continue to enjoy his living as he spends the rest of his life to the last drop in fulfillment. Stephen Benet, the highly respected American poet and author of short stories drew attention to the futility of this approach when he noted:

 “Life is not lost by dying; Life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.”

-Indeed, in the final analysis, the quality of the life we will eventually spend on this earth will depend entirely on how we view our mortality. And unless we diligently take the necessary steps to understand the true relationship between life and death, we are destined to live it out in anxious anticipation.

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