“Be who you are and say what you feel, because
those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”
This worthy advice, originally offered, at least in part, by
Bernard Baruch, Presidential advisor
and confidante to Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt, speaks
decisively and firmly to the great importance of being yourself at all times.
Far too often we find ourselves frozen with fear, anger and indecisiveness,
unable to think or act correctly, and as a result risk feeling unnecessary pain
and disappointment. The unfortunate result of this situation is that many of us
spend most of our lives living under clouds of uncertainty, being unwilling and
unable to be ourselves, while we cower under our self-made boulders of
insecurity and lack of confidence. This
is the price we must pay for not having the courage to be who we really are,
and instead choose to follow another.
Life is full of meaningful and influential decisions that we
are required to deal with as a price of living. Many of these will demand our
strength, courage and confidence in order to make the right choices and avoid
the wrong ones, and when we don’t do so, we lose a little piece of our self
each time. Much of this is acquired as a reflection of society’s need for
conformity and the subtle attitude of discouraging dissension. From a very
early age we are encouraged to remain in “the group”, and discouraged to think
differently or to look “outside the box.” Children are rewarded to “follow the
leader” and any attempt to “stand up” is frowned upon. The result of this
milieu is that we become conditioned to question ourselves, and to acquire a
fear of making decisions and a hesitancy to taking action. Because of this, we
become victims of ourselves, replacing our innate instincts with fears and
anxieties, and leaving us with a sense of being unable to be ourselves.
This
is precisely what Steve Jobs, one of
the world’s greatest and most successful innovative entrepreneurs was alluding
to in his 2005 Stanford Commencement
Address when he strongly advised:
“Have the courage to follow your heart and your
intuition; they somehow know what you truly want to become.”
But finding this courage
to be yourself does not in any way, imply thinking that you have to be wiser,
or stronger or better than any one else, nor does it mean that you must
necessarily be different from every one. It must however begin with the
realization that you are who you are, and that you have no reason to compare
yourself with anyone else. This is precisely what William Shakespeare, in his masterpiece, Hamlet, was recommending when he advised:
“Above all, to thine own self be true.”
Without
this sense of authenticity firmly in effect, it would be impossible to sweep
away the emotional debris accumulated over the past years of existence, and
allow you to see yourself as you really are, and equally, to take the actions
that ought to be taken. But even under the best conditions, achieving this is
neither easy nor is it ever guaranteed. One of the most significant failings of
the human psyche is the difficulty in trying to change established patterns of
behavior; and without doubt, being true to oneself requires this. It must first
begin with the recognition of the “demons” which have accumulated in you and
given rise to the fears and the inadequacies that interfere with your choices.
Without this first step, there can be no meaningful change and no escape. You
will end up, like so many of us have ended up, living a life of regret and unhappiness
and repeating it over and over, to no avail while saying:
“I could have, should have and would
have followed myself.”
But the courage we seek is not the one that is needed to
conquer, to dominate or to overpower; that would indeed be counter-intuitive.
The courage we seek instead is the one that allows us to arrive at a state of
equanimity, and permits us to make full use of our natural, innate resources.
It must not be the fear of doing wrong that must dictate our choice, but rather
the good judgment to do right. It should not the fear of not being accepted that determines our actions, but rather the
confidence in yourself that should be the guide. It is not the need to
influence everything in our life that matters, but the wisdom to know what must
be influenced and defended, and those actions that do not need to be protected,
but be accepted instead. The highly respected and influential British author, J.R.R. Tolkien, speaking from his own
personal experience, described it most exquisitely when he recorded:
“It is not
the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of spirit.”
But taking control of one’s own destiny is never an
easy task, because of the prevailing fear of being judged by others and found
wanting. To do so however, requires that one begins by curtailing the
self-criticisms that focus on your inadequacies and weaknesses, and forgiving yourself for doing so. Without this
insight clearly embedded, it would be impossible to understand the reason for
your basic fears and the demons’ hold on your thinking and choices. And even
more difficult to understand your continued repetitions in spite of the pain
and suffering they cause. When this is attempted initially, it tends to
precipitate a paradoxical increase in resistance which has to be accepted and
accommodated before progress can be achieved. This I believe was what Nelson Mandela, the South African
freedom fighter and the republic’s first president meant to convey when he
declared:
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