“One of the most beautiful qualities
of true friendship is to understand and be understood.”
These
words, considered to be perhaps the most appropriate description of the meaning
of friendship ever recorded, were offered
by Lucius Annaeus Seneca, one of
ancient Rome’s
greatest stoic philosophers, statesmen and dramatic authors. Seneca, who lived
in the 1st century BC, spent a great deal of his life contemplating
the true meaning of friendship to
humanity, and how to insure its
continued survival. He wrote extensively on the art and the importance of
friends to the welfare of society, as well as its role in maintaining good and strong
relationships among people. He further emphasized the vital importance of being
one’s own friend first, before being able to establish any other meaningful and
lasting friendships. He insisted that when a person genuinely befriends
himself, he can be a friend to all and will never be alone. He declared this in
such statements as:
“True friends are the whole world to one another;
and he that is a friend to himself, is also a friend to mankind.”
Without question, friendships are the true backbones of any
society. They facilitate easy communication by removing the elements of doubt
and hesitancy, and by encouraging trust and respect. These are vital components
to every aspect of the human experiences since they provide the confidence
needed to ensure truth and honesty. When this confidence is absent, elements of
uncertainty and distrust will dominate the relationship, interfering with the
free flow of sentiment, and eventually color all thinking. This is usually the
main reason why so many of us find ourselves dealing with incidents which have caused
us unnecessary disappointments. The reasons were not because of any wrong
intentions from us, but because of the absence of the basic trust of friendship to help facilitate
the relationship. Such situations are likely to happen because without the
solid foundation of trust and honesty, it becomes very difficult for people to
exchange freely, to trust one another, or to develop mutual respect.
A good friendship is always founded on a base of honesty,
trust and respect. It will never ever survive on the shifting sands of
convenience, fear and subservience. Such an arrangement is much more likely to
result in a relationship dominated by disappointment, suspicion and regret,
where there is difficulty and resistance in sharing personal feelings, and even
less, in giving or asking for support. On the other hand, when the friendship
is well founded, there is a palpable aura of a healthy, mutually supportive
relationship where each partner eagerly supports and encourages the other,
ensures their welfare, and protects and corrects each other. Rather than strive
to hold back or to deceive, friends go to great length to encourage, guide and
share in their successes. This is precisely what Abraham Lincoln was alluding to, when he declared:
“I am a success today because I had a friend who
believed in me, and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.”
Healthy friendships need a blend of love, respect, empathy
and compassion firmly rooted with trust, in order to survive and to flourish. Such relationships can only last when the
participants are able to willingly communicate freely on a basis of truth,
consideration and respect of one with the other. The most important requisites
for any strong and lasting friendship are:
1. Honesty and Truth
2. Trust and Confidence
3. Respect and Independence
4. Compromise and Equality
5. Respect and Independence,
Without these components
fully in place, no relationship can be considered to fulfill the criteria of
true friendship. Instead they will fall under the several categories of
interpersonal relationships that are formed and used to complete the
transactions of living. They clearly will serve their intended purpose but will
never survive without the emotional commitment demanded by a good friendship.
A true friendship must never be confused with the many other
different “associations” that are used by people in the course of living. These
non-authentic “acquaintances” or “collaborations” exist to fulfill a purpose and
very rarely ever serve to reinforce or expand a relationship. Most of the time
such arrangements are developed to achieve specific, selfish goals that may or
may not be limited to one side only, without regard or consideration of the
other side. Such arrangements are much more akin to developing a network to
serve specific goals, without the commitment for the caring and the welfare for
all concerned. In truth, the interactions from these types of arrangements all
lack the essential emotional attachments, confidence and trust that can only
develop in a lasting friendship. True friendship must arise from within, it
cannot be acquired or copied, as Muhammad
Ali, the former world heavyweight boxing champion and a philosopher in his
own right, so wisely indicated when he stated:
“Friendship
is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It is not something you learn at
school. But if you have not learnt the meaning of friendship, you
really have not learned anything.”
Contrary to the generally held view, true
friendships are not common, nor are they easy to establish. In fact, it is
quite uncommon to find anyone who will
admit to more than a handful of genuine friends. This fact has been recognized
for many centuries as this ancient Arabic
proverb demonstrates quite impressively:
“You can make a thousand enemies
every day, but it takes a thousand years to make a friend.”
There is no doubt that
most people will agree that making and keeping a true friend has always been
very difficult and equally unpredictable. One could never assume that at the
early stage of any relationship, however genuine it may seem, will eventually
blossom into a true friendship. In fact, multiple psychological studies have
consistently demonstrated that the making and keeping a true friend is a
complex interaction involving a whole range of emotional factors which need to
come together and stay together, like the perfect storm that develops from time
to time. This indeed is the very soul that gives rise to every good friendship.
Unless there is an intermingling of the spirit and a sharing of feelings, one
with the other, there is only a relationship. As this quotation by an author
who is unknown, so exquisitely
describes:
“A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your
eyes, when everyone believes the smile in your face.”
I never
fully understood why my late mother would often say to all of her children:
“A true
friend is not the person you share your bread with, but the one you will
willingly share your heart.”
-until I finally realized that a true
friendship was never of the world, but only from the heart.
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