DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - Making People Feel Good

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, and they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

         This very astute and relevant comment was made by Maya         

Angelou the African-American poet and author, who lived for most of her life in Miami, Florida. Her work as a civil rights activist and a genuine humanitarian continues to be held in high regard by scholars both locally and internationally. From a very humble and traumatic beginning, she devoted most of her adult life in trying to justify the goodness in humanity, and in persuading others in her belief that we are more alike than we are different, and that most people, given a chance, will always appreciate any opportunity to make someone else feel good.

Unfortunately, in this present unhappy world we all share, with its unyielding drive to compete more, to achieve more and to be better than anyone else, we tend to ignore the fundamental need of every person is to feel good about himself, and to make others feel good about themselves. These instinctual feelings of empathy and sympathy toward one another are actually deeply embedded in our psyche, as for that matter, they are in the rest of the animal kingdom. As Charles Darwin, the famous British biologist and naturalist, whose ground breaking work on the Origin of the Species altered our understanding of life on earth, confirmed by his own observations, that both animals and human beings possess a natural and automatic instinct for compassion and for making others feel good, and that this action in fact, actually served to ensure survival. 

He argued that these two instincts are the best developed of all the social instincts in the human mind and that they tend to impart a sense of satisfaction to the giver and one of appreciation from the receiver. He also observed that the communities which choose to freely encourage full expression of this behavior tend to flourish better and even more interestingly, also have a better quality offspring. He further suggested that this instinct is a natural human response that does not need to be rewarded for reinforcement. In fact, on most of the occasions, the individual’s responses are usually emotional and impulsive and remain hidden, even as his actions are blatantly showcased for all to see. In fact, quite unlike so many other human characteristics where intentions can be successfully misleading or hidden, a great deal can be learnt about an individual by just observing what he chooses to do to make others feel good about themselves.

 Human suffering of any kind will often operate as a catalyst that brings out the best or the worst examples of human behavior. Some of the most beautiful acts of compassion and caring can be seen in people whose only desire is to help relieve the suffering. The best of these examples are the ones that arise deep within the individual’s psyche, and they are always personal, voluntary, spontaneous, and free from any strings, expectations or conditions. This type of response is presently in full and open view during the current coronavirus crisis that has engulfed the world. There have been countless acts of kindness, and almost as many truly selfless incidents of heroism displayed by people from every level of society; the majority of which have remained invisible and unheralded. They come from the army of dedicated "first responders" in and out of the hospitals, and all the service personnel who risked their own health daily to insure our safety and comfort. They are also visible among the countless numbers of neighbors, and strangers as well, who have extended themselves to help others in need, with the only aim of easing their difficulties and restoring good feelings. -These are all people who have listened to, and are being guided by their Karma!

This really should not be a surprise since the urge for helping others is a fundamental part of humanity, deeply embedded in our DNA. Making people feel good, especially at times of tragedy or stress, is instinctually part of our make-up. But yet, even as this goodness unfolds, there are so many others who choose to take advantage of the situations, by breaking the rules, hoarding and ignoring the needs of others in their selfish urge to secure their own self-gratification at all cost. Instead of trying to ease the burdens of others and help to restore some semblance of balance, they circumvent the rules and introduce obstacles to further aggravate the difficult situations. Clear examples of this are all around us and they are affecting the more disadvantaged and most vulnerable of society. Rather than help to ease the burden, they have the net effect of increasing the difficulties. Rather than help to alleviate the stress, these people have no qualms about making life more difficult for others as they prosper in comfort.

And again, there are unfortunately a significant group of people who, as a result of past traumatic experiences, are just unable to allow themselves the freedom to feel or to make others happy. Because of a deeply scarred psyche, they lose the ability to trust, and tend to view every situation as a threat. As a result they are unable to permit themselves to feel good about themselves or anyone else, and even when they extend themselves with goodwill to others, they remain unhappy. I can think of at least one person, now deceased, whom I, personally, considered being most caring and considerate but who, unfortunately, was so riddled with uncertainty and insecurity that he even viewed appreciation with suspicion. His anger and resentment was so deeply rooted that he alienated everyone who tried to express their appreciations. 

Carol Burnett, the very highly regarded American comedienne, actor, author and Hollywood producer quite effectively observed:

“Doing good is selfish, because it makes you feel good. I have been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That’s why we are here after all; to help one another.”

She was confirming, from her own personal experience, that the act of doing good not only induces a feeling of personal satisfaction, but when the action helps another, especially when that help gets the person to a better, happier state, it also induces a feeling of personal exhilaration in the giver. This, she explained was the real impetus to her choosing and staying with her profession of entertainment. She insisted that when the people are feeling good, she feels good; -and without question she was correct in her conclusions.

         As the outstanding Jamaican-born, international entertainer and reggae exponent, Bob Marley, so very wisely advised in the chorus of his acclaimed social masterpiece entitled, “One Love”:

“One love, one heart, let’s get together and feel all right”

-His message is crystal clear, that we will all feel much better if we choose to live our lives together, guided by our natural group instincts of sharing and caring, rather than the egotistic, selfish instincts of personal self-gratification.

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