DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - Living Each Day to the Fullest

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to love.”

         

          These beautiful words of advice were first voiced almost 2000 years ago by one of ancient Rome’s greatest Emperors and  leading Stoic philosopher, Marcus Antoninus Aurelius. They still are, and have uninterruptedly remained as relevant and as appropriate today as they have been throughout man’s existence on earth. Even more relevant and equally appropriate are the quite similar sentiments originally echoed several years earlier by another great Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca who strongly advised:   

“Begin at once to live, and count each new day as a separate life.”

We all have heard, and have ourselves often repeated the popular cliché “Live each day to the fullest,” but very few of us have given much more than passing notice to it. In fact, only few of us ever take the time to thank God each morning for the gift of a new day, and even less, ever think of deliberately trying to make the best of all the opportunities available to us throughout the day. As the quotation quite rightly inferred, waking up each morning is indeed a privilege that is given to each person for an indeterminate time, but it is one which will certainly end one of these days! Few, if any of us ever give more than lip service to this fact, and instead, we prefer to live our lives oblivious of this reality. To my knowledge, no one has ever received a definitive guarantee on the quality or quantity of the life he will have, and however one tries, none of the essential components of life can either be bought or sold by anyone or for any price.

 

Each day is a gift given to us without any strings attached, for us to make use as we see fit. And each morning as we awake to a new day, we can choose to set aside the pain and worry of yesterday and focus on the bright sunshine overflowing with new ideas available to us to choose, and the brisk morning air loaded with good memories of our past days. Each morning we have the opportunity to continue to choose a life of happiness for ourselves, of caring for those in need, and of sharing our blessings with the others. And on each of these mornings we are required to make a choice to either to reject the offer and replace it with our own, or to accept it and work with it, or to just ignore it and do nothing. There are always consequences attached for each choice, but when we do accept the right one, we not only please our ego but also the Almighty, and we grow in stature and confidence, and in respect from others. And even more, we are also afforded the opportunity to deposit some of this earned happiness in our bank account of good deeds, available to us to recall in the bad times. This indeed, is the true meaning of living fully!

 In much the same way, life itself is the gift granted to each one of us freely and without any reservation to conduct as we choose. But what we do, and how we make use of this opportunity will determine how we will live out our life to the end. Every single day we are offered a new opportunity to live the life we want for ourselves, but unfortunately for most people, this offer is wasted; most of the time being sacrificed on the altar of convenience or compromise. Because of prevailing circumstances, many of which outside of our control, we are weighed down by the heavy burdens of bad experiences and held back by shackles of fear and insecurity so that each day begins as the other closed, with dark clouds of concern blocking the sunshine of life.  We end up dreading these new mornings because they will only bring more of the same; many hours of endless unrewarding routines, of just doing things to fill the hours, rather than those things that fulfill our hopes and desires. This is the price that we all pay when we live our life pleasing others rather than ourselves.

 This is certainly not how we were meant to spend this gift of our life; in endless competition, trying to secure as much as we can and still look for more, trusting no one and suspicious of all, keeping everything and sharing little, and cautious of others while loving no one; not even our self. Instead, we must begin to look at life as something that should afford us the joy and satisfaction of living, provide hope and honest fulfillment for achieving, and give us the opportunity to share and to love our brothers and neighbors. This, to me, is how life is meant to be lived to the fullest: to be enjoyed, in good health, with happiness and fulfillment and above all, sharing and caring for all. This is also what I have no doubt Martin Zakour, my Godson and a young man for whom I hold the highest regard, was alluding to, when he described the life of a recently deceased friend who had indeed lived life to the very fullest:

“He taught us to love every day as if it were the best day, and filled the world with a beautiful smile and a sweet spirit.”

         But achieving this noble and worthy level of human behavior is neither inherited, nor is it automatic. It is just not possible for any one to award oneself with a full and rewarding life that provides the joy and satisfaction that everyone yearns for, by wishing or asking for it. It does demand however, that he must begin by looking at the prison that is created in his own mind from all the bad experiences, failures, insecurities and fears that have accumulated over the prior years of his existence. It means also, that he must begin to search for, and free his heart of the fears, uncertainties and insecurities that undermine his confidence, and the suspicions, rejections and hatred that blacken his perspectives. He must become intimately aware of the many problems and feelings that are crowding his mind without any resolution, and then diligently attempt to resolve them either by changing those he can change, or accepting those he must accept, and ignoring all the others. These self-imposed shackles which effectively render him a prisoner of his own circumstances and incapable of living better, will only grow in intensity and complexity if allowed to do so.

         But on the other hand, living life to the fullest, does not ever mean, as so many people try to suggest, making full use of every opportunity to benefit from life without regard to others. And equally, it does not include the large proportions of people who are quite content to aimlessly wander through life with no purpose or intention, and with no idea or clarity of life or needs. In both these cases, life loses its true meaning, and is replaced by a multitude of excuses designed to justify the behavior and suppress the feelings of accompanying guilt and inadequacy. Some of the greatest regrets that have been expressed by people who felt cheated of a full life is that they allowed other people to dictate how they lived, rather than find their own way. No one will ever succeed by doing so and no one has ever done so. Bonnie Ware, the Australian end-of-life nurse whose ground breaking work on the regrets of dying people is internationally recognized, stated:

         “One of the greatest regrets of the dying is that they allowed old friendships to fizzle out and die. If you want to know how to live your best life, the answer is to live your life to the fullest with other people living life to the fullest.”

          Choosing to live each day fully requires a determined, conscious effort by the individual to do what is right and equally, to resist any temptation to do wrong. It means knowing who you really are, and what your needs are. It involves full knowledge of your values, your strengths and your desires and equally, your weaknesses and your fears as well as a true willingness to admit to them. But above all, life cannot be lived in a vacuum, but will only flourish when there is direction and purpose. For it is when this is not present, we are more liable to fall victim to the influence of others, stumbling through life and cheated of its joys, and with our dreams being robbed of their fulfillment. The true answer will never be found by searching the lives of others, but will always be found by looking within. All that it needs is the insight to understand and the courage to take action. This I believe is what Maya Angelou, the highly regarded, African-American poet and author was clearly alluding to, when she advised

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style."     

-Indeed, life can only be fully lived in the way it is meant to be lived, honestly, satisfying, uninhibited and blessed, when we do so in a spirit of understanding our needs, respecting those of others, and caring and sharing with all.

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DAlLY SLICES OF LIFE - Living To Die?

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”

This astute and interesting observation was made by Norman Cousins, an internationally respected American journalist, humanist and author, who spent his adult life struggling against a potentially deadly medical disorder. In making this statement, he was clearly reminding us of the uncertainties of life itself, and that it must always be lived to the fullest, and not be allowed to just exist in the shadow of dying. The laws of nature are such that from the moment of our birth, our life begins its relentless march to its death, and until that moment arrives, we are really only provided with two options from which we could choose to live out our life; either to live life wisely and achieve something, or to do nothing, and end with nothing.

         Unfortunately, far too many of us choose to waste our precious lives and our emotional energies just floating aimlessly on the seas of life, drifting along on the tides of habit, and being carried by the winds of influence, without ever finding out who we really are, and what we are meant to be. We spend most of the time allotted to us on this earth, focused on ensuring our survival and seeking contentment, and we spare little time, if any at all, to the important matters relating to the reasons and the purpose for life. We give lip service to thoughts of the end of life, and of life after death, and whenever we do so, we are eager to set them aside until “the right time comes.” We willingly devote ourselves to the demands of the “here and now”, but choose to remain oblivious of what comes after. We envy the few lucky ones who are able to achieve the happy medium of living fully each day while preparing for the next, but make no effort to learn from them. All of this serves only to give truth to the statement offered by an Unknown Author that:

“In the time our bodies remain alive on this earth, we will die many times before we die.”

         But what if we knew how and when we are going to die. Also what if the day of our demise was somehow imprinted on us; as in fact it is on so many of the things we use in our daily lives? Will that make us any different? Will it change the image of our lives in any way? Will we be more encouraged to do the things that we dreamed of doing, or less afraid of not doing others? Will we feel less beholding to people and to circumstances, and move more confidently in the direction of our choices? Will we continue to feel the way we are expected to feel, or will we be able to elect how we actually wanted to feel? And will we have the courage to challenge what is expected of us, and then live our life as we choose, rather than just working as we all are doing, without any direction, to an unpredictable and an uncertain future?  These are but a few of the countless number of questions that have remained unanswered as they lay scattered on the debris of human existence.

         In the current world, with the possible exception of a select few very fortunate people, most of us find ourselves caught up in the loop of just going through the motions of living; afraid, bored and lacking enthusiasm. We appear to be content to accept this as our lot in life that must be endured until such time when change comes along. This should not come as a surprise, since we have all conceded our lives, in one way or another, to the whims of nature; and nature prefers only conformity and dislikes change. The reality is that, whether we are aware of them or ignorant of the facts, we are conditioned to accept what is offered to us. We are indeed caught in a social trap which discourages any type of thinking out of the box; that we could and should do more. It is no surprise therefore that we are all unwittingly living our lives as if we are getting ready to die, without ever knowing the purpose or reason.

          Much of this can be traced to our deeply embedded beliefs and commitments to maintaining conformity and securing a good relation with our environment and the other people who share it. We become so concerned about fitting in with the other people around us, that we allow ourselves to be influenced by what they say or think. We are so consumed by our fears and idiosyncrasies of not conforming, that we are afraid to step forward, even when it looks safe enough. We readily suppress our hopes and dreams, our ideas and ambitions, our wants and our wishes, not because they were unattainable, but because they might be unacceptable to the image we hold of ourselves. We will even question our need for contentment and satisfaction in this life especially if we think this offends others. -Indeed, if we are to be honest to ourselves, we must begin by admitting that we are all guilty of wasting our living, for fear of dying.

         Therein lays the very root of our weaknesses, the reason for not living fully, and our fear of dying. We sacrifice so much of our living on the altars expediency, conformity, fear and insecurity that we starve ourselves of the opportunity to be ourselves, to fly freely, to be fully engaged, to give vent to our imagination and freedom to our hopes and dreams. Instead of our moving in the direction dictated by our living, we are conditioned to see life as nothing more than leading to dying. Rather than celebrate this gift of life to its fullness, with all the enthusiasm, excitement and optimistic energy which it richly deserves, we find ourselves questioning our own validity and asking whether this choice is appropriate for us. Unless we believe, deep within our own psyche that our presence on this earth is by design and not by chance, and that we each have a distinct role to fulfill in the cycle of living, we will never be able to comprehend the true relationship of life and death. We will continue to cry out in despair, as the late Tupac Shakur, one of America’s leading rappers did, in his wildly popular rendition entitled, “Living to Die”:

“Why am I dying to live, if I am only living to die?”

         When on the other hand, we are connected to what we truly believe is our destiny, we are not only driven and motivated to move forward to achieve our goals, but we are able to do so, with hope, enthusiasm and confidence. By recognizing that life should never be looked upon as merely a pathway to dying, but as a journey in living given to us to experience and to enjoy, we will then begin to see that death is but a singe point on that journey, and therefore, does not deserve to be feared but rather to be accommodated. Every living person is destined to eventually die, but it is essential that each one learns how to make full use of his living. This journey of life we are all travelling on was not afforded to us as a vehicle for trepidation and fear, but rather one to be assimilated, deeply and enjoyably. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), one of America’s greatest essayists, humorists and authors, very simply and effectively summed this up, when he observed:

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

            The overriding problems that prevent people from untangling themselves from the shackles of fears and uncertainties of their living and leading a more fulfilling, rewarding life are far more self-generated than circumstantial. Rather than choosing to live a life according to their vision and belief, they prefer to react to other images and in so doing lose basic understanding and control. We yearn for happiness and contentment in our lives, but few are willing to make the effort needed to secure it. Instead we succumb to the natural fear of losing everything not because we needed them, but because of our difficulty in letting them go. Rather than accepting the fact of dying as a natural corollary of living, and living life to the fullest, we allow the element of fear and uncertainty to pollute it and render us vulnerable. Without a true sense of mindfulness to balance all of life and to allow us to take full control of the meaning and purpose, we are doomed to spend the allotted time on this earth living in fear of dying. This is precisely what Buddha, thousands of years ago tried to advise his followers when he noted:

“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”

-Perhaps instead of spending our time on this earth just living to die, we can endeavor to follow this advice by dying to live, and in so doing, free ourselves to grow to our full potential.

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE -The Challenge of Change

  

“Change is the whispering wind that always seems to follow through on any effort to find stability.”

This profoundly interesting statement by an Unknown Author has always impressed me as one of the finest description of the true role of change in anyone’s life. From the outset, the human being, quite unlike all of nature’s other creatures, has always preferred to live immersed in the uniquely paradoxical state of holding on to their familiar and comfortable settings, while continuing to search for new and less familiar ones. Change is the stimulus that always leads to new and different circumstances, and it is nature’s preferred approach for others to cope with its recurrent natural phenomena, and in forcing individuals to make selections. Evolutionally, change also serves the fundamental purpose of inducing and/or encouraging continued adaptation and ultimately, improved evolutionary behavior.  Therefore from any aspect viewed, change is the engine of life, and the reason for continued living and growing on earth.

Change is nature’s way of forcing us to leave our comfort zones and to escape our human sense of complacency. It has no respect or consideration whatsoever for any weaknesses, strengths or needs of any one, nor is it concerned whether its effect on the individuals is for the better or for worse. It is relentless, and is never concerned with the basic impact it causes, nor is it ever satisfied with the outcome that results. It has no resting place, nor will it cease on demand, and it is always ready to move again. It does not need to adopt any special, exclusive, or reproducible image, but like the chameleon, it takes the shape that relates to circumstances; becoming at the same time loved by some, and hated by others. And like time itself, it respects no boundaries, being slow and painful for those who are reluctant to accept change, and a ceaseless whirlwind for those who embrace it. The late President John F. Kennedy, in one of his famous addresses, very clearly placed change in its right human setting when he said:

“Change is the law of life, and those who look only to the past or the present, are certain to miss the future.”

         At any given moment in time, the same act of change, like life itself, can become a mortal enemy to some people or a loyal friend to others; and at special times, it can even be both to the same person simultaneously. It has no loyalty to anything or anyone but its own peculiar circumstances. This indeed, is the law of nature where life is measured not by the present, but by the end-results, and not in a single moment, but for eternity. Lao Tzu, the foremost of the great ancient Chinese philosophers and founder of the School of Taoism, very effectively placed the meaning of change in life in its true context when he said:

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."

         Dennis Merritt Jones, the respected American author of the award-winning social masterpiece, The Art of Uncertainty, described life as being a contest between a rock and a river. Because the river is willing to flow in whatever direction nature dictates, going over, under or through any change in its path, it will always grow and prosper, and reach its final destination, enhanced in stature. The rock on the other hand, choosing to stand firm and to resist any force or change that may come along, will not only never move forward, but over time, will lose its strength and its relevance, and become an insignificant pebble. In this metaphor, Jones related the flowing water to those of us who accept the natural changes on our journey of life, learn to grow from them, and reap fulfillment. The rock on the other hand, standing resolute, rejecting the forces of change, will spend its life in regret and in frustration. He was confirming once again, what Sir Harold Wilson, a highly respected British politician, statesman, and a former Prime Minister of Great Britain, who firmly declared:

“He who rejects change is the architect of decay.”

  While change is without question, the foundation of life, it is the challenge to change that determines the future direction of life. Any growth or success will never be achieved by trying to ignore or to change the challenge when it appears, but only from challenging the change. This is nature’s way of ensuring growth and continued survival of the species. It always takes adversity and a threat to our complacency to create change, and without the challenge to change, we are doomed to being left behind without growth or development, and ultimately, to extinction. We cannot ever ignore the call for change without having to pay a significant price. And unless we are prepared to respond and be willing to accommodate to its demands, we are destined to be discarded into the rubbish heap of humanity. This, I believe was what Maya Angelou, the outstanding, African-American author, poet and social philosopher was alluding to, when she offered this recommendation:

“If you don't like something, change it.

 If you can't change it, change your attitude.”     

It does not matter whether we are consciously searching for change or resisting it, we are all subject to the challenge of change with the same dynamic principle.  Whether we choose to see change as an ally or as an enemy will make no difference to its quality or its timing, but how we choose to respond to it, will certainly have great relevance to our needs, wants and desires. There are essentially 4 factors operating that will determine a person’s reaction to change.

 These are:

1. Underlying Ego and Self-image:  the way we feel about ourselves influences the meaning of life and our interpretation and our reception of reality.

2. Personality Make-up: the way we think, behave and anticipate impending action, plays a vital role in behavior and our decision- making process.

3. Perception: the way we see ourselves in relation to the world, determines our attitude toward others and the environment and gives meaning to life.

4. Past Experience: more opportunities for exposure to changing conditions increase confidence and conditioning, and reduce the levels of anxiety toward the unknown.

         People generally react to change in widely different ways that often renders subsequent behavior inconsistent and unpredictable. In each situation, the decision is influenced not only by the event or its impact, but by our own underlying beliefs and emotions at that time. Despite this, following the laws of nature, change, irrespective of good or bad, will continue to happen throughout life. And while we are not always able to control all the changes that occur in our lifetime, we still have the power and the responsibility to react to the changes. Unlike the other members of the animal world, we alone, have the intellectual capacity to be able to understand and embrace the changes in our lives and the skill to modify and adapt sufficiently, to render them less threatening and allow us to emerge as victors and not be victims. This I believe is what George Bernard Shaw, the prolific Irish playwright, author and activist meant to convey, when he declared:

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

-Indeed, the challenge of change as an integral part of nature, must never be feared, but rather be welcomed, accommodated and adapted to serve mankind. This is the law of survival!

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DAILY SLICES OF LIFE - Seeking Revenge

“Vengeance is mine!”

These words, contained in the Holy Bible, in St. Paul’s letter to the Romans 19:11, are probably the most misconstrued and most misused statement in the English language, and for that matter, in the rest of the world. Instead of the complete interpretation which stated that vengeance is restricted to the Lord’s action, and not for man to seek, it is used to justify the seeking of revenge from another who has deliberately or not, wronged, hurt or otherwise betrayed them.

Few of us ever consider that attempts to retaliate without due deliberation will not solve anything, but will just serve to further increase pain and disappointment to both sides. In fact the urge for revenge is deeply embedded in the psyche of all living social beings, where it originally functioned as an essential trait for survival. It was intended to act as a defensive mechanism against aggressive actions by others to ensure its continued existence. Examples of this behavior is seen in a very wide range of both wild and domesticated creatures including many animals, birds and fish, all of which will at times respond to provocation by seeking some level of redress. Revenge is meant to be a natural response to any threat or intimidation with a call to challenge or confrontation, and it is nature’s way of ensuring self-preservation by preventing recurrence of the perceived harmful behavior.

The human revenge response however is substantially different in that the need for revenge has become much more than a defensive act. It has actually evolved into a more complex response involving both the cognitive and the emotional expressions in the brain, and containing mixed elements of defense as well as aggression. It is a reaction in which very unfortunately, retribution plays an equal or greater role than prevention. There is no doubt that in the early days of life on earth, the threat of revenge may have helped the original human beings to build social bonds and encourage group formation by providing the risk of swift retribution for potential transgressors. This action was clearly intended to discourage further hostility and encourage survival and expansion of the community. But as man evolved and his needs became more complex, the act of seeking retribution became less and less a defensive requisite, and more an emotional release that can be used to make him feel better and achieve more for himself.

 Repeated studies have shown that both the cortical and frontal lobes of the brain are stimulated by revenge and that the actions adopted were not primarily defensive ones, but contained in addition, strong emotional components. In some situations there is sometimes demonstrable evidence that revenge will directly activate the “pleasure centers” in the frontal lobes giving rise to a craving sensation and trigger an intense need for satiation. Even more, in other settings, revenge can induce an intense fantasy for satisfaction that lingers on long after the original episode has passed. This is seen more notably in people who are deeply insecure and suspicious, and who spend their lives steeped in anger and discontent. These people are more likely to use revenge and punishment as weapons to try to conceal their own weaknesses and inadequacies.

         But seeking revenge and seeking punishment are not synonymous either in intent or in outcome. They differ significantly in motivation as well as in the anticipated goals. True revenge is aimed at making the transgressor pay a price for the action committed, in the hope of preventing further transgressions. Punishment hopes to achieve the same goal by trying to improve the behavior and the understanding of the transgressor. But when the desire for revenge is quite often motivated from bitterness and anger and associated with over-bloated egos, then even when the cause is justified and the goal honorable, it will create more suffering and injustice than the situation deserves. The end result is that, in great majority of instances, the use of revenge becomes more a source of abuse rather than being one of prevention or correction.

         Revenge as a response to injustice has a long and nefarious history, and has been used throughout the ages to justify actions that were indefensible. Heinous acts including senseless killings are constantly carried out in the name of revenge, and often excused by a history of provocation. This should not come as too much of a surprise since society itself has underpinned its own survival on the principle of reward and punishment. This begins early in childhood when children are exposed to punishment for misbehavior without understanding the reason for the action taken. This distorts the child’s reasoning and his view of the world and encourages a need to strike out. These attitudes are prominent in people with narcissistic traits and who have difficulty in forgiving. In such instances, they are driven to strike back, as much from the resulting need to extract retribution and from their response to their unconscious shame it induced.

In the real world, any attempt at seeking payback of any kind can also lead to unexpected and unfortunate consequences. In the wrong setting, it can result in serious and precipitous life changes  which can do more harm far beyond just achieving redress. For this reason, reasonable people choose not to succumb to the urge of revenge, but instead prefer to use good sense to get even. Revenge, once begun, is an unbreakable cycle which continues to grow from within the individual, causing serious systemic changes. And although initially the thoughts of revenge and retaliation may provide some relief, they quickly become entrenched and obsessive, leading to recurrent pain and anger and ultimately, to reckless behavior.

Buddha, the ancient Indian philosopher, enlightened teacher and founder of one of the world’s great religions, Buddhism, thousands of years ago, in the 4^th century BCE wisely noted and preached on the ills of hatred and of dealing with it by seeking revenge. He observed:

“Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world.”

By non-hatred alone, is hatred appeased.

This is the eternal law.

Similarly, the highly respected 17^th century English philosopher and statesman, Sir Francis Bacon firmly placed the correct response for revenge in the right context when he observed:

“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy. But in passing it over; he is superior. For it is a prince’s part to pardon.”

In fact, most of us, even if we might briefly entertain some form of retaliation for the hurt or the wrong done, will not go beyond this stage. We have learnt from past experience that seeking revenge never cancels out good reason but it only perpetuates the cycle, and encourages its extension. Even more, the effort of extracting revenge will not remove the pain and the disappointment that was felt. It might briefly satisfy our hurt ego, but may leave a bigger, more permanent scar on our conscience.

But yet there are others, who continue to ignore this wise and sober warning, and instead allow their emotion and their impulse to prevail and end up with serious consequences for their action. High in the list of these personality types are the narcissistic and sadistic traits who derive special pleasure in causing pain. These are the people who tend to harbor grandiose self-images and who resent everyone else. To them revenge is not only a way to exercise control, but also to cover the shame of their own inadequacies.

But even for those who severely lack basic humanity, seeking vengeance does not ever taste as sweet as they claim, but leads to greater pain and regret, and ultimately to the destruction of both parties. It was precisely to warn his followers of this, that the great ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius thousands of years ago, offered this advice:

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

The only meaningful answer lies in choosing to live well, free from anger or resentment. In so doing, by replacing fear and anxiety with love and understanding, the need for redress quickly fades and will be filled with joy and contentment. The Holy Bible, in the book of Leviticus 19:17 actually gave the optimum direction for anyone seeking revenge:

“Do not seek revenge, or bear a grudge among your people. But love your neighbor as yourself.”

-This world that we all share will be so much more beautiful, if we all learn to live as Jesus Christ taught us to do, to replace hate and anger with love and respect, and to dispel the need for revenge, with better understanding.

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